I feel like a zombie gone back to life.
Having out with my 6C peeps always manages to make me feel special. They remind me of the person I used to be and how different I am internally. It's different from hanging out with other lovely people like those who know me in secondary school because they remind me of how I developed and changed. It's all different- not just the people themselves but the context and the time.
From the start of this week or even a little before that, I was pretty down for whatever reasons. (In fact, I don't think I had reasons.)
...Forget it, people are pissing me off. I'll be back when I feel like blogging. At the moment, I feel like beating up someone. UGH.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
smile
And I can't stand it.
Coming here to bitch about school and perhaps share some of the insecurities and worries I have?
Okay, fine, I'm not here solely to complain and moan about school- I chose my fate, so I'm not justified to make myself out to be a victim of circumstances since it was my hand that dealt my cards. I knew exactly (well, maybe not into the specifics but roughly exactly, if that makes any sense) what I was getting myself into.
So, here, I shall just say my piece and get over it. Start classes at 9, end school at 4 and my only break is from 2 to 2.30. That's one day clocked full of classes, which includes lit, double history and ELL IN A ROW. Do you know what that means? It simply means writing on and on and on and on without a break at all.
If it were double maths, it wouldn't be so bad. For maths, I simply have to understand and keep from falling asleep. That's relatively easy compared to keeping up with what the lecturer/speaker is saying in addition to copying down slides and slides of notes.
I'm beginning to understand why people say that junior college years are tougher than university years and how their two years in junior college was the most stressful two years of their lives. It's not even about the work load yet- just the classes, the information, the teachers, everything is very taxing and demanding. You have to give it your all for everything.
At least, that's how it feels like to me. Of course, it'll be different for others but I'm determined to see my way through my junior college years with success, if not excellence, so it might be that I'm making things hard for myself. Maybe. I'm really tired and sleepy now, so pardon me if my English doesn't make sense. I might come back to correct it if I remember.
I don't have enough time to accomplish what I want in a day but that's mostly because I don't plan my time out well enough, so... Yeah. My bad. I need to get used to this rigorous system so that I can start shining in it instead of simply surviving it. For the first time, I truly want to do well in school. It's not just the fact I never did particularly well before.
Hmm. I don't quite know how to put this. There are a lot of reasons why I want to do well in junior college.
The most superficial and the one I keep broadcasting is simply the fact I do not want to repeat a year- I do not want to go through orientation all over again with a batch of students younger than me. How do I say this? It's the reason that's most relevant to me, it's the one that I can relate to easily because of the emotions associated with it- embarrassment, disappointment, (to myself), etc. Basically, it is a reason that would actually cause me to want to work hard. Yes, I'm pretty dang shallow but that's the way I roll.
There are other reasons, of course. One of them is the simple fact that I had never tried to push myself academically before and this is my virgin attempt. Another reason is that the subjects actually interest me. I honestly have a genuine interest and, might I say, passion for all the subjects I am taking at the moment. It's quite unlike my third sister, who cared less for geography and maths.
To be perfectly honest, I want As in all of them. It might be a little unrealistic or too ambitious to say so from the start but I really think that anything less than that would devastate me. For the record, I think everything I'm learning is really interesting and engaging. Haha. It's probably a lot of work but it seems like it'll be pretty rewarding if I go all out!
So yup.
Dang. If I'm already feeling so drained with just my studies, then... If I get into council, I'm going to be ready to start learning how to tie a noose. Yes, suicide is a joke in poor taste but it's quite relevant to the kind of competition students face, especially in Singapore (but perhaps even more so in China and wherever else where perfection seems to be regarded as a commodity).
Studying or feeling the pressure to the point where suicide is a contemplation. Speaks quite highly of our education system and the kind of demands expected from students, yes?
Hmm. In addition to that, I'm planning to take up NYAA and CAP. For Creative Arts Program, it's really a short camp, so that's okay- not too heavy a burden. However, I'm planning to take up writing as my NYAA skill and that includes Writer's Bloc, which is a sort of CCA that's not a CCA. Hmm. Yeah. It's pretty much an independent affair, it's not an official CCA but the teacher runs it on passion. Seems interesting, so yeah.
For NYAA, I don't think it'll be too taxing. More like, I'm making use of my opportunities to maximize my benefits. Is that even right... I mean, since I'm probably going to those things already, then might as well write up the booklet and get the award.
You don't see it now but I wrote "awkward" when I meant "award". Sigh.
Alright.
Obviously my brain is shot. Sleeping now.
That's all.
Coming here to bitch about school and perhaps share some of the insecurities and worries I have?
Okay, fine, I'm not here solely to complain and moan about school- I chose my fate, so I'm not justified to make myself out to be a victim of circumstances since it was my hand that dealt my cards. I knew exactly (well, maybe not into the specifics but roughly exactly, if that makes any sense) what I was getting myself into.
So, here, I shall just say my piece and get over it. Start classes at 9, end school at 4 and my only break is from 2 to 2.30. That's one day clocked full of classes, which includes lit, double history and ELL IN A ROW. Do you know what that means? It simply means writing on and on and on and on without a break at all.
If it were double maths, it wouldn't be so bad. For maths, I simply have to understand and keep from falling asleep. That's relatively easy compared to keeping up with what the lecturer/speaker is saying in addition to copying down slides and slides of notes.
I'm beginning to understand why people say that junior college years are tougher than university years and how their two years in junior college was the most stressful two years of their lives. It's not even about the work load yet- just the classes, the information, the teachers, everything is very taxing and demanding. You have to give it your all for everything.
At least, that's how it feels like to me. Of course, it'll be different for others but I'm determined to see my way through my junior college years with success, if not excellence, so it might be that I'm making things hard for myself. Maybe. I'm really tired and sleepy now, so pardon me if my English doesn't make sense. I might come back to correct it if I remember.
I don't have enough time to accomplish what I want in a day but that's mostly because I don't plan my time out well enough, so... Yeah. My bad. I need to get used to this rigorous system so that I can start shining in it instead of simply surviving it. For the first time, I truly want to do well in school. It's not just the fact I never did particularly well before.
Hmm. I don't quite know how to put this. There are a lot of reasons why I want to do well in junior college.
The most superficial and the one I keep broadcasting is simply the fact I do not want to repeat a year- I do not want to go through orientation all over again with a batch of students younger than me. How do I say this? It's the reason that's most relevant to me, it's the one that I can relate to easily because of the emotions associated with it- embarrassment, disappointment, (to myself), etc. Basically, it is a reason that would actually cause me to want to work hard. Yes, I'm pretty dang shallow but that's the way I roll.
There are other reasons, of course. One of them is the simple fact that I had never tried to push myself academically before and this is my virgin attempt. Another reason is that the subjects actually interest me. I honestly have a genuine interest and, might I say, passion for all the subjects I am taking at the moment. It's quite unlike my third sister, who cared less for geography and maths.
To be perfectly honest, I want As in all of them. It might be a little unrealistic or too ambitious to say so from the start but I really think that anything less than that would devastate me. For the record, I think everything I'm learning is really interesting and engaging. Haha. It's probably a lot of work but it seems like it'll be pretty rewarding if I go all out!
So yup.
Dang. If I'm already feeling so drained with just my studies, then... If I get into council, I'm going to be ready to start learning how to tie a noose. Yes, suicide is a joke in poor taste but it's quite relevant to the kind of competition students face, especially in Singapore (but perhaps even more so in China and wherever else where perfection seems to be regarded as a commodity).
Studying or feeling the pressure to the point where suicide is a contemplation. Speaks quite highly of our education system and the kind of demands expected from students, yes?
Hmm. In addition to that, I'm planning to take up NYAA and CAP. For Creative Arts Program, it's really a short camp, so that's okay- not too heavy a burden. However, I'm planning to take up writing as my NYAA skill and that includes Writer's Bloc, which is a sort of CCA that's not a CCA. Hmm. Yeah. It's pretty much an independent affair, it's not an official CCA but the teacher runs it on passion. Seems interesting, so yeah.
For NYAA, I don't think it'll be too taxing. More like, I'm making use of my opportunities to maximize my benefits. Is that even right... I mean, since I'm probably going to those things already, then might as well write up the booklet and get the award.
You don't see it now but I wrote "awkward" when I meant "award". Sigh.
Alright.
Obviously my brain is shot. Sleeping now.
That's all.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
for the first time
You fed me honey and sugar in the form of words. You did not have to coax me into believing they were untainted- you gave them freely and without any hidden intentions behind them. I swallowed and they warmed me from within, making me feel like I was ignited by the warmth of the sun. They were what saved me from the depths of the ocean, from the numbing cold of loneliness and the darkness of the unknown. Your hand reached for mine and dragged me from the recedes of my mind. We have a bond in likeness and it keeps us connected but you will never be anything more because you will not be able to tolerate the burden that comes with me. You could say you can handle it but in the end, I will be left alone with my chains and waiting. Thank you, that is all that I owe you, for that one moment of salvation.
so here we go
Then I'll follow you into the dark.
Now, I am a lazy pig.
Okay, so that is out of the way. I would like to add that I happen to have a slight valid excuse for not posting apart from my laziness. Yes, I know it's a cliche excuse and definitely overused but hey, school is a valid excuse anytime, baby!
Ah, yes. I should mention that I think my sanity is going and I am getting weirder and weirder by the day. Indeed, it's not a good feeling and no one should attempt to step into my shoes at the moment because it's going to be hell of a walk. Anyway! I decided that I should update about my life thus far and you know, have some place to ramble, bitch and moan.
If you're going to look for insightful posts in which my rambling makes sense, you'll be waiting a long time! I barely have enough energy to direct my thoughts into places where they should be, let alone think about issues in the world today and what not. Sigh. This is only being mentioned because I happened to go through my past posts -was looking for a story I wrote here- and saw that I talked about things other than myself! Wow!
Since I'm only this topic (of me bashing myself, as usual...), I would like to say that the one word that fits me to a tee is simply this- hypocrite. I think I'm very two-faced and superficial. I have double standards for a lot of things... The list goes on and on and on. Sigh. I'm not beating myself over it but yeah, something I'll need to change, I suppose.
Moving on!
SCHOOL. Such a fabulous change of topic! I'm practically dying to talk about this! Can't you just see the excitement from within my words? Alright, alright, I'll stop it. As much as I would like to say "School sucks" and end it there, that statement will definitely not give any justice to the week I experienced and the school I am in now.
For the first time ever, I find myself genuinely liking my school. Yes, I would call it MY school, not like the school I used to go. It does depends on the person, the school and the compatibility of both. For me, I disliked my previous school for various reasons. I could possibly write an essay about it but there is no point to doing that.
For my school now, I can't tell you what exactly appeals to me. The first thing about the school is that it's very religious and damn if that doesn't bother me. I would like to say I have nothing against religion but clearly, that's not true. I would go so far to say I hate extreme Christians and anyone who is too religiously extreme and rigid or people who abuse religion, use it as a tool for personal means.
It took me a while to get used to the constant, overbearing presence of religion in my school. I honestly have nothing against people who are Christians, for instance but I still have a bit of that negative image in my head. But I won't fault someone based on their religion. I don't think that there's anything wrong or bad about religion, it's just that I don't... believe in it?
I can't ever imagine myself telling my troubles or seeking help from an unknown figure who's said to be the giver of life and all that. Perhaps things might be different in the future and perhaps I may even come to understand and accept religion.
So, yes, the fact that the school is religious is not why I like it. I suppose it's a mix of many things... Like the people, for sure and the classes. I love the peeps from my orientation group! They're one whole bunch of awesome! Orientation was a little dreary at the start but it got better exponentially. :) I still hang out and talk to them, which is more than I can say for some of my secondary school classmates. Hah.
I changed my class and got the subject combination I wanted, which is really, really swell!
For the first time ever, I'm doing all the subjects I actually have interest and passion in. I'm not going to say I'll definitely do well but I have faith that I will fare better than in secondary school, to say the least. All my subjects are pretty tough but I'm determined to see them through and do good in them!
Apart from that, I felt so awkward in my last class because the people more or less had a big clique in which I was not part of and that I was kind of antisocial. Yes, I can't not blame myself because I was at fault as well! However, this time, I don't have many classes with my classmates and this is both good and bad because I get a lot of time to myself and not enough with my class.
On the upside, I'll definitely have time to mug and do well academically but on the downside, I won't have time to interact and make a lot of friends. Ahhh.
Oh, well! I'll just take it as it goes. It amuses me that I'm actually making friends through my other friends. Not really interacting with my own classmates but making friends with my og mate's friends and my good friend's friends? Yeah! Hahaha.
It's hard for me to do so because I went through secondary school with a handful of friends who actually could say properly that they knew me. Not the person that I was, but beyond that person. Now, I'm trying to expand my connections, to make more friends so I can't say that I was a loner through my education. It's a trying and tiring thing but so far, it's been nothing but good to me.
I'm not special.
Every day, I try my best to believe it a little more and not be so crushed when I realize I am, indeed, nothing special. Sigh. Gah. I'm starting to feel depressed again. It's nothing big, more of a combination of little things. Haha. It's even worse than having my period because of all the emotions and things I don't want to feel. Sigh.
Hopefully, this will pass.
Lately, I've been wanting a hug. I love hugs. Back in primary school, I used to be a hugging monster. In secondary school, I tamed a heck lot but I had a lovely hugging buddy by the name of Yvonne and she could make me feel better in an instance. Hugs are pretty much my coping mechanism, I suppose. They keep me from crumbling down. Sigh.
All this self pity and what not is making me sick. I should stop it once and for all but eh, I'm a selfish person and I think too much about myself, so... It'll probably never stop. Least I can do is to lessen it such that it doesn't preoccupy my life and being so much.
SOMEONE GIVE ME A HUG, DAMN IT!
Haha. Okay, okay. Phew. I'm done feeling depressed. It's too tiring. I'll just try my best to be upbeat, positive and happy.
Alright.
That's all.
Now, I am a lazy pig.
Okay, so that is out of the way. I would like to add that I happen to have a slight valid excuse for not posting apart from my laziness. Yes, I know it's a cliche excuse and definitely overused but hey, school is a valid excuse anytime, baby!
Ah, yes. I should mention that I think my sanity is going and I am getting weirder and weirder by the day. Indeed, it's not a good feeling and no one should attempt to step into my shoes at the moment because it's going to be hell of a walk. Anyway! I decided that I should update about my life thus far and you know, have some place to ramble, bitch and moan.
If you're going to look for insightful posts in which my rambling makes sense, you'll be waiting a long time! I barely have enough energy to direct my thoughts into places where they should be, let alone think about issues in the world today and what not. Sigh. This is only being mentioned because I happened to go through my past posts -was looking for a story I wrote here- and saw that I talked about things other than myself! Wow!
Since I'm only this topic (of me bashing myself, as usual...), I would like to say that the one word that fits me to a tee is simply this- hypocrite. I think I'm very two-faced and superficial. I have double standards for a lot of things... The list goes on and on and on. Sigh. I'm not beating myself over it but yeah, something I'll need to change, I suppose.
Moving on!
SCHOOL. Such a fabulous change of topic! I'm practically dying to talk about this! Can't you just see the excitement from within my words? Alright, alright, I'll stop it. As much as I would like to say "School sucks" and end it there, that statement will definitely not give any justice to the week I experienced and the school I am in now.
For the first time ever, I find myself genuinely liking my school. Yes, I would call it MY school, not like the school I used to go. It does depends on the person, the school and the compatibility of both. For me, I disliked my previous school for various reasons. I could possibly write an essay about it but there is no point to doing that.
For my school now, I can't tell you what exactly appeals to me. The first thing about the school is that it's very religious and damn if that doesn't bother me. I would like to say I have nothing against religion but clearly, that's not true. I would go so far to say I hate extreme Christians and anyone who is too religiously extreme and rigid or people who abuse religion, use it as a tool for personal means.
It took me a while to get used to the constant, overbearing presence of religion in my school. I honestly have nothing against people who are Christians, for instance but I still have a bit of that negative image in my head. But I won't fault someone based on their religion. I don't think that there's anything wrong or bad about religion, it's just that I don't... believe in it?
I can't ever imagine myself telling my troubles or seeking help from an unknown figure who's said to be the giver of life and all that. Perhaps things might be different in the future and perhaps I may even come to understand and accept religion.
So, yes, the fact that the school is religious is not why I like it. I suppose it's a mix of many things... Like the people, for sure and the classes. I love the peeps from my orientation group! They're one whole bunch of awesome! Orientation was a little dreary at the start but it got better exponentially. :) I still hang out and talk to them, which is more than I can say for some of my secondary school classmates. Hah.
I changed my class and got the subject combination I wanted, which is really, really swell!
For the first time ever, I'm doing all the subjects I actually have interest and passion in. I'm not going to say I'll definitely do well but I have faith that I will fare better than in secondary school, to say the least. All my subjects are pretty tough but I'm determined to see them through and do good in them!
Apart from that, I felt so awkward in my last class because the people more or less had a big clique in which I was not part of and that I was kind of antisocial. Yes, I can't not blame myself because I was at fault as well! However, this time, I don't have many classes with my classmates and this is both good and bad because I get a lot of time to myself and not enough with my class.
On the upside, I'll definitely have time to mug and do well academically but on the downside, I won't have time to interact and make a lot of friends. Ahhh.
Oh, well! I'll just take it as it goes. It amuses me that I'm actually making friends through my other friends. Not really interacting with my own classmates but making friends with my og mate's friends and my good friend's friends? Yeah! Hahaha.
It's hard for me to do so because I went through secondary school with a handful of friends who actually could say properly that they knew me. Not the person that I was, but beyond that person. Now, I'm trying to expand my connections, to make more friends so I can't say that I was a loner through my education. It's a trying and tiring thing but so far, it's been nothing but good to me.
I'm not special.
Every day, I try my best to believe it a little more and not be so crushed when I realize I am, indeed, nothing special. Sigh. Gah. I'm starting to feel depressed again. It's nothing big, more of a combination of little things. Haha. It's even worse than having my period because of all the emotions and things I don't want to feel. Sigh.
Hopefully, this will pass.
Lately, I've been wanting a hug. I love hugs. Back in primary school, I used to be a hugging monster. In secondary school, I tamed a heck lot but I had a lovely hugging buddy by the name of Yvonne and she could make me feel better in an instance. Hugs are pretty much my coping mechanism, I suppose. They keep me from crumbling down. Sigh.
All this self pity and what not is making me sick. I should stop it once and for all but eh, I'm a selfish person and I think too much about myself, so... It'll probably never stop. Least I can do is to lessen it such that it doesn't preoccupy my life and being so much.
SOMEONE GIVE ME A HUG, DAMN IT!
Haha. Okay, okay. Phew. I'm done feeling depressed. It's too tiring. I'll just try my best to be upbeat, positive and happy.
Alright.
That's all.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
sorry but I'm going ahead
Today my life begins.
Nothing much changed, actually, to be honest. I still feel left out from my class but the "good" news is that I'm most probably going to change class. Ah, well. Even if I stayed in the same class, I will no longer be daunted, because I finally decided to just heck it and not give a damn no more.
Starting from now on, I'm just going to lead my own life.
From the distant past, I vaguely remember that I said one can't live their lives independently and by saying that they're going to do so, they're actually being ridiculous. However, I don't mean that I'll just do things recklessly without regards to the consequences or make my decisions without regards to anyone else. I just decided to not be self conscious anymore and just go ahead and do what I want.
For starters, I'm going to work hard and do well academically, because I want to. This will be my last year to mug and try hard for an exam, so I should give it my all. No more excuses, nada nada. Truthfully, this is my last chance to try my hand at being a hot blooded, ambitious Singaporean youth! :) The over achiever kind. I've never been that person before, so I think it'll be pretty new to me!
...Alright, this will be the second time I'm revealing this officially. If I can, I would love a chance to study overseas. It's superficial, but I really would like a chance to live abroad and away from my family. I think it would really be an enriching experience and definitely very new. However, I am not deluded enough to think I might actually really do it but I'm still hoping all the same.
If I want to do that, I'll probably need some financial aid or a scholarship of sorts, so I need to do well academically and make myself look good. Which brings me to my next point- I think I am going to join Council.
Let me start by saying when I told my mother I wanted to join council, she was like, "Council? Town Council?" and I replied, "NO LAH, MUMMY, AI YO!". She just kept laughing and laughing while I was so exasperated with her. I told her it's student council. After a bout of silence, she asked, "Student council do what? Talk to troubled students ah?", which induced another great, indignant response from me as she laughed some more.
Gosh, my mother. Haha.
Anyway, I wanted to join council when I was in secondary one but I just didn't have the courage to nominate myself. It wasn't something I regretted but I do remember it. Afterwards, with NCC, it felt like another wasted chance, another opportunity passed me by. This time, I would really like to try my hand at stretching myself and achieving what I was too scared to before.
I do take initiative but I usually wait for other people to do so first, so I need to try harder. I really want to challenge myself and all.
The next thing is that I want to be fitter and be healthier. No, I am not going to exercise every day. No, I am not going to starve myself and eat all greens. I didn't do that before and I'm not going to do that now. Granted, I'm wiser now because I learn a lot from other people and the internet.
I joined a NCC running club and it's been nothing but good to me so far. So, I'm going to stick with that. It's every Saturday and to couple that, I go jogging or exercising two more days a week. I learnt from running club that your muscles need at least 48 hours to regenerate, so you can't overdo it.
So far, this week, I ran on Tuesday and today and the next is running club training, which means it's just nice! Haha. Yup. Concentrating on running. Trying my best to go as close to ten minutes as possible for 2.4! As for food wise, I decided I'll just take a laid back approach. I don't believe in depriving myself and counting calories. I'm going to just do what feels right and that's all.
I used to be really self conscious about what people thought of me but just inwardly. Now, I decided that I'm just going to march on without caring anymore. Easy to say, a hell to accomplish. But yeah. Gotta try and go hard!
Other than that, I finally made a friend who seems to know what I'm talking about, the one that I haven't meet before. I met people who's in Sherlock BBC, who's into SHINee, who's into manga/anime and other things but I never met someone who knows about comics/superheros AND cartoons! Sweet! Haha. I was so excited because it really seems like the first time someone knows that aspect of my life.
Ah, lovely childhood. The people I know didn't grow up watching cartoons like I did! I was so happy when he started talking about them! Haha.
Oh, yes, now that I mentioned that... Two of my sisters brought back guys when they were in jc. As for me, I really need to love myself more before anything else, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get a boyfriend soon. I think I'm a very screwed up person and I dislike myself to a quite severe extent sometimes. If I get a boyfriend when I'm like this, we're going to have a heck load of problems. It's not worth it.
Besides, I'm going to try my hardest to push myself in my academics and try to be a leader. Yes, those leadership talks are getting to my head. Haha. But to go overseas! Ooh! (Haha, yeah, that's the real reason-)
Sigh.
I'm pretty excited though. :) All things considered. So excited!
I feel so warm and fuzzy. Heehee.
Yup. So that's about it. More or less. The theme for my jc years will be "Challenge Yourself"! Yeah, I'm so cool, I have a theme! :)
Hahahaha. I'm not quite right in the head, yes? Alright, heading to bed.
That's all!
(Yes, I have odd mood swings...)
Nothing much changed, actually, to be honest. I still feel left out from my class but the "good" news is that I'm most probably going to change class. Ah, well. Even if I stayed in the same class, I will no longer be daunted, because I finally decided to just heck it and not give a damn no more.
Starting from now on, I'm just going to lead my own life.
From the distant past, I vaguely remember that I said one can't live their lives independently and by saying that they're going to do so, they're actually being ridiculous. However, I don't mean that I'll just do things recklessly without regards to the consequences or make my decisions without regards to anyone else. I just decided to not be self conscious anymore and just go ahead and do what I want.
For starters, I'm going to work hard and do well academically, because I want to. This will be my last year to mug and try hard for an exam, so I should give it my all. No more excuses, nada nada. Truthfully, this is my last chance to try my hand at being a hot blooded, ambitious Singaporean youth! :) The over achiever kind. I've never been that person before, so I think it'll be pretty new to me!
...Alright, this will be the second time I'm revealing this officially. If I can, I would love a chance to study overseas. It's superficial, but I really would like a chance to live abroad and away from my family. I think it would really be an enriching experience and definitely very new. However, I am not deluded enough to think I might actually really do it but I'm still hoping all the same.
If I want to do that, I'll probably need some financial aid or a scholarship of sorts, so I need to do well academically and make myself look good. Which brings me to my next point- I think I am going to join Council.
Let me start by saying when I told my mother I wanted to join council, she was like, "Council? Town Council?" and I replied, "NO LAH, MUMMY, AI YO!". She just kept laughing and laughing while I was so exasperated with her. I told her it's student council. After a bout of silence, she asked, "Student council do what? Talk to troubled students ah?", which induced another great, indignant response from me as she laughed some more.
Gosh, my mother. Haha.
Anyway, I wanted to join council when I was in secondary one but I just didn't have the courage to nominate myself. It wasn't something I regretted but I do remember it. Afterwards, with NCC, it felt like another wasted chance, another opportunity passed me by. This time, I would really like to try my hand at stretching myself and achieving what I was too scared to before.
I do take initiative but I usually wait for other people to do so first, so I need to try harder. I really want to challenge myself and all.
The next thing is that I want to be fitter and be healthier. No, I am not going to exercise every day. No, I am not going to starve myself and eat all greens. I didn't do that before and I'm not going to do that now. Granted, I'm wiser now because I learn a lot from other people and the internet.
I joined a NCC running club and it's been nothing but good to me so far. So, I'm going to stick with that. It's every Saturday and to couple that, I go jogging or exercising two more days a week. I learnt from running club that your muscles need at least 48 hours to regenerate, so you can't overdo it.
So far, this week, I ran on Tuesday and today and the next is running club training, which means it's just nice! Haha. Yup. Concentrating on running. Trying my best to go as close to ten minutes as possible for 2.4! As for food wise, I decided I'll just take a laid back approach. I don't believe in depriving myself and counting calories. I'm going to just do what feels right and that's all.
I used to be really self conscious about what people thought of me but just inwardly. Now, I decided that I'm just going to march on without caring anymore. Easy to say, a hell to accomplish. But yeah. Gotta try and go hard!
Other than that, I finally made a friend who seems to know what I'm talking about, the one that I haven't meet before. I met people who's in Sherlock BBC, who's into SHINee, who's into manga/anime and other things but I never met someone who knows about comics/superheros AND cartoons! Sweet! Haha. I was so excited because it really seems like the first time someone knows that aspect of my life.
Ah, lovely childhood. The people I know didn't grow up watching cartoons like I did! I was so happy when he started talking about them! Haha.
Oh, yes, now that I mentioned that... Two of my sisters brought back guys when they were in jc. As for me, I really need to love myself more before anything else, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get a boyfriend soon. I think I'm a very screwed up person and I dislike myself to a quite severe extent sometimes. If I get a boyfriend when I'm like this, we're going to have a heck load of problems. It's not worth it.
Besides, I'm going to try my hardest to push myself in my academics and try to be a leader. Yes, those leadership talks are getting to my head. Haha. But to go overseas! Ooh! (Haha, yeah, that's the real reason-)
Sigh.
I'm pretty excited though. :) All things considered. So excited!
I feel so warm and fuzzy. Heehee.
Yup. So that's about it. More or less. The theme for my jc years will be "Challenge Yourself"! Yeah, I'm so cool, I have a theme! :)
Hahahaha. I'm not quite right in the head, yes? Alright, heading to bed.
That's all!
(Yes, I have odd mood swings...)
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
start afresh
Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew.
Alright. This will probably be a slightly longer post than before, I suppose.
Firstly, let me start off by saying I feel like I was being left out from the rest of my class. Sigh. They were like, bonding in one whole big group and I happen to be excluded. Seems like this always happens to me but then again, I don't know how to insert myself and participate, so I can't say I'm not at fault as well.
Ah, well! However, I did put in some effort and managed to make a new friend! :) At least, I think we do sort of know each other enough to call ourselves friends.That did cheer me up a bit.
The second thing, following that, is that I got messages from people! I love it when people send messages to me instead of the other way 'round because I realize I'm usually the person initiating things and I get a bit irked after a while. But can't be helped... Some people won't ever make the first move! Oh, well. Hopefully, I get more messages next time.
Oh, surprisingly, I've been exchanging messages frequently with various people at the moment. It gets to the point where I'm messaging more than two people at one time! For someone who's not very popular and social, it is a whole new experience indeed! My sister is worried I'll become like Mycroft's assistant who never gets off the phone.
Nah, I don't think I'll ever be that popular.
Sigh. This two years, I feel like challenging myself and pushing myself to the limit but I'm scared it will be overbearing. Hmm. Ah, well. So... Sigh.
Feel strangely depressed once more but oh, well. I get through every day because I have hope that tomorrow might be a better day and that one day, I'll find my perfect bunch of friends. :) Yeah, I believe people have a bunch of friends that they feel totally at home with. For some people who are cool like that, they can fit in well with anyone and everyone.
Unfortunately, I'm not one of them, so I'm still waiting for that bunch of friends that I can be my normal crazy self with. I was sticking with one of my friends who was my orientation group mate but she went and made new friends when I was emoing. Yeah, I'm really bad at trying to make friends. I never know what to say.
Ah, well.
Okay.
Doing 4H2s, which is the normal in good schools but since my school is a bit better than the average (i.e. not exactly classified as good), it's held in a somewhat high regard. 4H2s, naturally, is much tougher than doing 3H2s and 1H1. (Like, duh.) I'm a little afraid I won't be able to cope but oh, well! I must have faith and put in hard work while I'm at it!
I'm sleepy...
I'm going to organize my things before falling asleep.
See you.
Alright. This will probably be a slightly longer post than before, I suppose.
Firstly, let me start off by saying I feel like I was being left out from the rest of my class. Sigh. They were like, bonding in one whole big group and I happen to be excluded. Seems like this always happens to me but then again, I don't know how to insert myself and participate, so I can't say I'm not at fault as well.
Ah, well! However, I did put in some effort and managed to make a new friend! :) At least, I think we do sort of know each other enough to call ourselves friends.That did cheer me up a bit.
The second thing, following that, is that I got messages from people! I love it when people send messages to me instead of the other way 'round because I realize I'm usually the person initiating things and I get a bit irked after a while. But can't be helped... Some people won't ever make the first move! Oh, well. Hopefully, I get more messages next time.
Oh, surprisingly, I've been exchanging messages frequently with various people at the moment. It gets to the point where I'm messaging more than two people at one time! For someone who's not very popular and social, it is a whole new experience indeed! My sister is worried I'll become like Mycroft's assistant who never gets off the phone.
Nah, I don't think I'll ever be that popular.
Sigh. This two years, I feel like challenging myself and pushing myself to the limit but I'm scared it will be overbearing. Hmm. Ah, well. So... Sigh.
Feel strangely depressed once more but oh, well. I get through every day because I have hope that tomorrow might be a better day and that one day, I'll find my perfect bunch of friends. :) Yeah, I believe people have a bunch of friends that they feel totally at home with. For some people who are cool like that, they can fit in well with anyone and everyone.
Unfortunately, I'm not one of them, so I'm still waiting for that bunch of friends that I can be my normal crazy self with. I was sticking with one of my friends who was my orientation group mate but she went and made new friends when I was emoing. Yeah, I'm really bad at trying to make friends. I never know what to say.
Ah, well.
Okay.
Doing 4H2s, which is the normal in good schools but since my school is a bit better than the average (i.e. not exactly classified as good), it's held in a somewhat high regard. 4H2s, naturally, is much tougher than doing 3H2s and 1H1. (Like, duh.) I'm a little afraid I won't be able to cope but oh, well! I must have faith and put in hard work while I'm at it!
I'm sleepy...
I'm going to organize my things before falling asleep.
See you.
Monday, February 6, 2012
I'm okay
Don't let it be clubbed into dank submission.
This is a long, long, long overdue post but I was too dang lazy to get about to doing it. So, here we go.
Junior College has been good to me so far. It's more fun and warmer than I've ever been used to, which is refreshing. Surprisingly enough, I am enjoying myself. Well, you can't see that if you look at my face -it's perpetually bored- but I actually quite like the school, the people and all. (Despite how much I whine and moan sometimes.)
Alright. I don't have a lot to say because like I said, I don't feel like it and there's nothing much for me to say. For the first time in a while, I feel like trying seriously, which is more than I can say for myself.
Yeah.
This is a long, long, long overdue post but I was too dang lazy to get about to doing it. So, here we go.
Junior College has been good to me so far. It's more fun and warmer than I've ever been used to, which is refreshing. Surprisingly enough, I am enjoying myself. Well, you can't see that if you look at my face -it's perpetually bored- but I actually quite like the school, the people and all. (Despite how much I whine and moan sometimes.)
Alright. I don't have a lot to say because like I said, I don't feel like it and there's nothing much for me to say. For the first time in a while, I feel like trying seriously, which is more than I can say for myself.
Yeah.
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