don't you leave

The truth is- you can't feel for the world. 

The quote, this time, ain't come from no one or any song. It was something that popped into my head after a while. This post is probably going to be a serious one and I would love to put it off as long as I can but I decided I should just get over with it. Sigh. It's going to be one of those times where I completely obliterate whatever good I have left in me.

Let me start off by saying, after much thinking, I realized I'm probably the baby in my family. Of course, if you went in terms of age, that would be my little brother but if you were thinking along the lines of who gets most pampered and spoiled, the winner is definitely me. I'm very clear about that- while I'm not exactly a proud and happy camper, I'm not afraid to admit it.

Well, I'm just saying that. I cringe as I confess my sins, all the time. It's ugly, these sides of me and while I prefer to shove them away in a corner and never let them see the light of day, I can't and I won't. After all, as all else good in me fails, the only salvation I have is my conscience. The one thing that, miraculously, seems to be getting more pronounced as time goes on.

It's kind of funny to me because I never gave a damn about these things when I was younger but as the years tacked on to me, I begin to survey things more carefully and actually obtain a sense of guilt. (Yes, it was particularly non-existent before, so much that I'll say I had to get one.)

Anyway, when I say I'm pampered and spoiled, I don't mean that I get everything I want and everyone goes according to my wishes or something like that. It's nothing so drastic and I'm not some bratty princess with tons of money. (Pity, that. Imagine me ruling the world. Heh.) It's just that I do tend to get my way and I've definitely the one who asked/wasted the most money among my siblings. Never mind from my parents, my sisters are also always lending me money, spending money on me.

It never used to bother me but it lodged itself into my mind permanently now. It has come to the point where I wonder if I can even survive without them or whether I can ever use my own money to get things I want and not have to borrow them off someone else. My third sister once said my first sister mentioned that giving money (or spending money, I suppose) on your younger siblings is the way of an older sibling.

I only have my brother, so it's not too fair for me whereas each of my sisters has at least two younger siblings. I'm horrible.

I have this thing with technology where when a laptop or computer comes into my hands long enough, it will eventually crash. Perhaps I visited some websites by accident and contacted a virus that way or did something wrong to the computer unknowingly. I swear I have never gone looking for trouble on purpose. It might be hard to believe but I really don't think I meant for it to happen.

It's easy to say, of course. However, nothing changes in the sense that I am the one to blame for the electronic device malfunctioning. I think the count is definitely about three. Or more. No less than three, I think. That's three laptops/computers spoiled by my hand.

Do I feel guilty? Hell yeah. Do I feel guilty enough to stop borrowing computers/laptops? Did I apologize and own up to my mistakes? No.

It's strange because I am usually a quite well-mannered person but somehow, I don't know how to work up the nerve to apologize. It's not that I think it's not my fault but I guess I'm acting like the kid who knows he/she did wrong but just don't know how to express it. Skirting around the issue, going so far as to completely ignore it. It's not that hard and I guess I'm just making excuses.

It's hundreds worth of machinery, after all. Sigh. I should, shouldn't I? Apologize. Sigh.

You might think it's that simple but no, it's years of borrowing money, years of being so dependent on others. They clocked up slowly but surely and now they're haunting my conscience.

My first sister recently told me she's going to buy me a laptop for my birthday. I feel tongue tied at the moment she told me and I simply said okay. In fact, at the moment, I'm using her boyfriend's laptop. Yes, I do feel bad but obviously, not bad enough to stop. I don't know. I could have denied her offer but then what? I'm using her boyfriend's laptop, after all.

My third sister shot back at me- how do I think the boyfriend feels about sitting beside me, watching me use his laptop?

Even if I deny her offer, it's still the same. I'm still relying on someone else, still living off another. It's high time I get independent and obtain what I want through my own means but while I'm starting on that with tiny, little baby steps, nothing else is happening. My third sister, quite blatantly, has no confidence in me at all. She was mocking, saying that I'll take ten steps back whenever something I want comes my way.

It's true but I'm determined to try my best to fend off the desire and temptation.

Truthfully, I'm just whining here, so don't mind me. I have something somewhat bigger to talk about, which has to do with the starting words for this post.

I'm practically the epitome of average for most aspects. In particular, my reaction towards starvation, people singing on the streets for money, homeless people, things like that. My stand is that I'm inwardly sympathetic but I don't do anything on the outside to indicate so. For instance, I would sign petitions in name of law changing but I won't be there in the crowds, holding up signs to ensure it actually gets done. I might drop some money into a beggar's bowl but I won't go beyond that to actually help the person secure a stable home, things like that.

To some extent, my behavior does disgust me? However, I'm most probably not changing. Sigh. I think the world should be changed but not by my hands.

It's the same stand I take with environmental issues and what not. I would mind my own business- I won't litter, I'll try not to waste water and reuse plastics but I won't persuade anyone else to do otherwise. In a way, this is a very selfish stand to take because it's so individualistic. (Is that the correct word? But yeah.)

...Okay, I'm supposed to type more but my stomach feels really weird and I'm tired, so I'm heading to bed.

My stomach feels really weird! Gah. If I die, I won't stay I lived a full life or anything cliche like that but I did enjoy it while it lasted, so I'll just accept whatever is thrown at me. Of course, it won't be without complain and if you actually gave me a chance to live, I'll take it without blinking. But I'm just saying that I won't kick up a fuss and demand to be brought back to life.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way, the quote was a lie. You can feel for the world. That's the truth. Nah, the truth is often ambiguous and not always absolute, so I wouldn't say that's the truth. More like a possible truth. The closest thing to the truth, in my case is that I don't want to feel for the world because it means I actually have to go about caring -and showing that care- and lord forbid that from happening. Haha.

That's all.