you can cry;

Don't complain. You just need to overcome yourself. 

This might be too early in the year to do a post like this but I suppose in a way, it's appropriate as the previous year recently came to a close. In addition to that, I have my results in hand and I will probably make a more serious post in lieu of my junior college days, unlike the previous post where I simply said I was excited for school and rambled about religion on the side.

Honestly, I feel like all my life's a lie and I'm just living an illusion sometimes. I've said so much and done so little. All the words that I swore to live by crumbled as I held them in my palms. I suppose that is how people fall- to finally become the people they swore never to be when they were younger. One thing leads to another and soon after, they find themselves drowning in downward spiral with no way out.

Recently, I feel so old.

It's hard to imagine I'm still sixteen and indeed, I still have a blank ahead of me. It might be what I have gone through and experienced but I actually think it might be the fact I ponder too much about things I should leave aside until later. Since a while ago, I've been always thinking about what I want to do in the future, thinking of schools, careers and all that.

Perhaps I was thinking too hard about it but never doing anything about it. I've changed my mind so many, many times but I guess that's normal. People are fickle, indecisive and undetermined at the worst of times. I won't fault myself for changing my mind but I am a little upset that I never did stick to one thing and tried to go all the way with it.

I sigh a lot nowadays. There isn't really a reason for it, it's just that I feel so tired somehow. There was a time where I was really sad but I got over that. Maybe it's a teenager thing but I'm so sick of blaming everything on my adolescence. Maybe it's me. It doesn't really matter in the end.

Okay, what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to move on.

All the lies I've told, the things I said I'll do, all that little petty things and the important things, I'm going to wipe them clean and start afresh. Burn them in a metaphorical fire and let the wind sweep away the ashes. There's no point to holding on to them anymore when they will only drag me down and be a burden I'm afraid I will never live up to.

The truth is, I will never stop thinking about the future, but I'm just saying I will try to make a bigger effort to concentrate on the now. Paranoia is a large part of me and I'm always scared, always afraid. I guess, in a way, I smile and laugh a lot to cover them up. Not that I'm hiding it but because I don't really feel like dealing with all that baggage.

I'm a very flawed human being but that's okay. It's really a shame how little courage I have to do what I want to do and just blast what anyone thinks. I would be a really cool person if I were that brave. Haha.

Only now am I finally starting to accept and understand that maybe, you'll never be the adult that you want to be. Most probably, you'll end up doing something you hate in life. There's an extremely high chance that you are nothing special and you will never amount to anything in life.

I used to insist I could do it, if only I tried and I put in hard work but now I'm coming to terms that it takes people with extraordinary hard work and perhaps, the slightest bit of talent to be someone who is really great. I have to accept that I might never go anywhere and that I will have a mundane life that's devoid of any fun.

Gosh, I sound depressing. Haha. I'm only being realistic! Of course, there are still little, tiny parts of me that are clutching desperately to the little hope that resides within me, still dreaming and thinking of a future full of money, sparkles and smiles. I guess as much as I want to claim I'm not longer a child, I can never do it because of these silly sides of myself.

The above lyrics, yes, they're lyrics, come from the song "THE REGULARS". I like it. Also, I find it kind of ironic that I am here trying to say I accept that I never be anything when I'm quoting from that song, which basically goes like, "I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR VICTORY-". Hahaha. Oh, got to love irony. After all, I'm the queen of contradiction.

....I'll probably be very amused if I become an office lady next time. It's the one job that I swore to myself I'll never do. Cooped up in an office all day? Gosh. Even running around sweating in the sun, risking breaking a leg and not having any breaks sounds more appealing than sitting in a cubicle all day doing paper work. Hmm.

I think after a while, it doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as what I do pays the bills. Haha.

From now on, I'll keep my dreams secret so I won't be guilty of not achieving them after I blabbed them to the whole world. Haha. Smart plan! There are so many things I would love to do but I'm pretty sure I won't get to due to my inability to strive hard and stick harshly to one thing. Ahhhh.

I'm pretty sure that I had more to say but I feel that what I've said so far is adequate.

Alright, then, I'll leave you with one more thing. To be frank, I've always liked pretty boys and people who are quite obviously good looking. It's the superficial, shallow side of me that I always thought dominated my whole self that swoons over them. I'm sure there's a side of me that thinks beauty is only skin deep, blah blah blah but it's either buried deep within me or so slight that it's probably negligible.

However, after watching shows like The Artist (2011) and other shows which I can't think of- oh, George Clooney, Richard Gere would be good examples though-, I find that charming men have a way of endearing themselves to me. It has come to the point where I actually think that charm presides (I think this is not the right word but it works?) over looks.

Heath Ledger was the same. He wasn't particularly good looking but he was really charming. At least, in the films I've watched of him.

I mean, there is nothing so dang sexy as confidence. Seriously. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if you're already confident about yourself. Yup.

That's all.

just keep going