★ i'm not sorry

hahahaha

2012-01-28T16:11:00.002+08:00

It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

I've been having really strange dreams recently. And, as odd as they get, I really enjoy them. I don't want to share them because they're very much private but I decided to give the gist of some and leave the details privy to myself.

One that really struck me was that I was going out with one of my female friends. Had my first kiss with her. It's not the fact that I was going out with a female that bothered me, it was the fact that it was that friend. There's nothing wrong with her and there's nothing I have against her... It's just that she wasn't someone in mind if I went out with females. Hmm.

That dream swerved into another dream altogether, where I had an awkward first relationship with a boy and it's cute in that primary school way. I don't think we were that old, maybe in secondary one or two.

The dreams I had yesterday night and today morning tops even those. I don't exactly remember the first few parts but I know I lived in a HDB flat, on the fourth floor. There was an instance I was dying my hair in public (like, what the hell, right?) and everyone was laughing at me although I looked fine, as least in a mirror reflection of myself.

I just couldn't figure out why they kept laughing at me. Sigh.

That developed into another scene where I was trying out wedding gowns in preparation for my own wedding. No, not a real "Oh, I love you so much that I have to marry you!" kind of wedding but more like we were marrying because it had advantages and benefits. I remember I was supposed to be rebelling again my country or wherever I was, we were supposed to destroy the country from inside. (Very Hunger Games inspired, hmm.)

My groom was good looking, I remember that detail but I don't remember how he looks like, if I even got to see him at all. They had racks and racks of dresses. I had a weird hairstyle in the beginning of the trying session but it changed into something decent afterwards. Hmm.

That's about it.

Feels like I gave it all away but nah. The slightest of details are the clearest in my head, really. It's almost crazy how I can remember those stupid little things no one would. My dreams usually don't end where I remember them until- I usually don't remember the starts and ends of my dreams. Nothing unusual, I expect.

This is one of those posts I didn't plan out beforehand, so I'm pretty much just rambling.

Oh, yes! This is a strange thought but if I ever cosplay Joker, I'm going to do the version after he was shot in the head, where he had the strange robe. Just finished a volume on with that version of him inside and I'm like, "YEAH, JOKER!". I've preached on how much I like Batman before but seriously, I don't really like Bruce Wayne. Sigh, that man.

Joker, on the other hand, has always been one of my favorites, if you overlook the fact that he kills on a frequent, probably obsessive basis. But I guess that's just it. I just love how he knows madness can't be explained, can't be broken down into comprehensive bits and fed to the public like information and knowledge. On the other hand, Batman is still trying to make sense of it all.

Don't like it when they make Joker look like a joke but I accept and acknowledge that Joker has a lot of sides and faces. As Batman said himself, it's as though Joker constantly reinvents himself, every single time he comes back. I love it when Joker is sinister and dark, almost like BBC Sherlock's Moriarty in which he has a plan all concocted out, just waiting for Batman to stumble upon it. It's all great fun, really, reading Joker.

Am I disturbed that I like a super villain who practically takes pride or simply dismisses every death caused by his hands?

Well, frankly, yeah. The more moral person would be shaking his/her head at me, asking me what kind of person I am. Hmm. I don't have any excuses but I suppose comic books and stories are simply a form of entertainment to me and are too fabricated to allow my mind to connect it to the reality we live in.

For Hunger Games, apart from the aspect of the games -which is essentially everything the book is without the political bit, really but-, it's things that are easily connected to the world today or in history. Starvation, famines, loads of people dying, an oppressive ruler. Call up examples like Hitler, Stalin, Saddam Hussein and there you have it.

Costumed villains and vigilantes fighting battle after battle, putting cities and the world in jeopardy?

That's a little hard to associate reality to, so I pretty much keep them separate. Besides, in my country, it's pretty dang safe and nothing happens around here, which I'm grateful for. There.

Anyway, I probably won't every cosplay Joker because one, I have no balls for it (literally and figuratively but more of the latter because I think cosplaying a male character while you're a female is perfectly fine...) and two, I'm too terrified I'll screw him up. It's going to be real tough to get his mouth/smile and forehead right.

If I were to cosplay anyone from the comic book universe... (Well, actually, at this point, I'm not really into cosplay. I just enjoy looking from afar- don't think I'll ever participate. Hypothetically speaking, if you will.) It'll definitely be Harley Quinn. I love that girl and partly because I do think sometimes, love is psychotic. How else can you explain all the crazy things people do in the name of love? Their abstract notion of love, anyway.

...I'll need a smoking hot body first. That girl is hella sexy. Haha.

Ugh. I started playing Maple again, even though I told myself I wouldn't. Gah. See how little my words mean even to myself? Haha. Ah, well. I'm even thinking of writing fanfiction about Maple but that's a bit too much, I think. Well, that and I'm supposed to be finishing a story I started a long time ago. I'm about one quarter way through, actually, which is a good progress compared to anything before. Too bad my progress isn't consistent.

Alright.

Will be off to Maple then!

That's all.

orange

2012-01-27T00:24:00.001+08:00

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen.

I always get blown away by Ellie Goulding's "Your Song", over and over again, every single time I hear it. Of course, there's Janet Devlin but still, Ellie Goulding's version is the one that manages to tug on my heart strings so badly whereas for Janet Devlin, it's her voice that gets me. Hmm. Here, have her version of the song too- "Your Song" by Janet Devlin.

Anyway! I've been delaying this post long enough that I decided to just go ahead with it.

Many a time now, I've preached my love of romance stories. Well, recently, I decided to confront my perception of love and romance and I'm actually quite surprised to realize the things in which I consider romantic. Oh, to start off, let me just tell you just a day or two ago (maybe three), I completed a story in which a gay boy pretends to be straight so that other gay boys hit on him.

Sounds pretty twisted, huh? Well, I did enjoy it, and not just for the sex. Yes, if you don't know already, I've confessed to reading porn many times already. It's nothing new. I'm tainted and my innocence is never coming back. I still get shy if I do watch M18 sexual scenes or whatever because reading is not the same as watching, evidently.

While my mind is quite accustomed to written form of sex or sexual scenes, I still get uncomfortable at looking at naked or nearly naked or not very covered bodies close to sex or actually engaged in the act or any variation of it, including those before the actual act.

Okay, I reached my limit for talking about sex. Moving on.

I love cliches like crazy. Why? Well, it's not because they're so dang predictable, for one. This is going to make me sound deeper than I am but I assure, I'm not. My sister claims I'm 5mm deep and while I'm not impressed by her assessment or her reference, I can't find it in me to vehemently deny it. Ahhhh. The life and times of the shallow. Always hard to defend oneself, yes.

I like knowing how the story will generally play out, so I can concentrate on other things instead. The techniques, the progression. Since I already know how the story will roughly flow, I can focus on the execution instead. And, if any plot devices or twists surprise me, they'll be more likely to impress me instead. Things like a character having an unexpected trait, a development I never thought would happen or perhaps, an ending that makes my jaw drop- in a good or bad way, sometimes both.

The one cliche I always fall in love with is the geek and bad boy one. It comes in a variety- nerd and jock, loner and popular guy, good girl and bad boy, plain girl and hot guy. Whatever it is, I love it when they play with two people from different social status in high school and somehow, make it work. Usually, the girl is the one who's (I don't really like using the term but-) inferior to her male counterpart and it can be a story about balancing it out or making it more pronounced, anyhow the writer wants it to go.

Alright, for the next few, I won't be going into details, just touch and go... Other cliches I like include when the girl falls for her step-brother- not incest but when her parent remarries someone and the guy she falls in love with is the kid of the person her parent marries. The girl falling in love with her best friend's brother or her brother's best friend.

That's about it. Those are the ones I really like.

From time to time, I enjoy an occasional story about childhood friends falling in love with each other but those kind of stories are usually pretty slow, so I don't read them too often. You have to wait for the characters to get over the denial, get attracted to each other, yada yada.

I don't really like hate/love stories, where the two characters hate each other and then, after a series of events, then fall in love with each other. I don't really like love triangles either.. I mean, it's okay once in a while but I get tired of indecisive female characters. Then you get a lot of dilemmas and who is it I really love, blah blah blah. I love watching the story play out but sometimes, it gets annoying.

From time to time, I do read original stories. Usually, when I have a craving, I look for a specific genre I feel like reading. Anyway, now, about the more specific things I like or find romantic. I won't go too much into detail because there's one main thing that I'm puzzled that I find so romantic, especially seeing how practical I'm trying to be these days.

The one thing that really gets me is when the girl or guy follows their counterpart wherever he or she wants to go. The kind of "We're going nowhere but we're together" thing. I know it's probably the idea of two people against the world, fighting against the odds on their own that makes the idea or concept so appealing to me. However, I can't tell you how it always manages to make me feel this rush of adoration.

Awash is a good example of that. It's a simple piece but the main idea is extremely strong.

Other things.. I like the idea of a person changing because of another person. Not for another person. It's a very different thing altogether. I believe that you should only change if it's you yourself who wants the change in your life or your person. Never change because of someone else. I love it when the bad boy changes because of the good girl, because they want to be deserving of the other person, to be able to match up to them.

Another thing I really love is when the character sleep together. No, not have sex but just sleep in a bed with each other. Usually, no matter what the situation is, it will make me smile- whether it's meant to be sweet, fluffy, sexy, just plain crack or however else.

Truthfully, I think my ideas about romance and love are a little warped, at best. Yeah. The one thing I really love is when a character says, "Wait." Also, I like it when one character grabs the other's wrist. Ugh. Yeah. There's a lot of other things which I can't remember at the moment but all these will do.

That's all.

:)

favorite piece of prose on fictionpress-

2012-01-25T02:53:00.001+08:00

this boy will have holes in his pockets

the truth about forever

2012-01-25T02:53:00.000+08:00

This year will be no different from any of the others. You can make all the resolutions and promises you want but at the end, they will fall away from your finger tips like love seeping from a broken heart. You can make all the comparisons you want but by the end of December, you will be no different from the start of January. You can wish and want but your desire and hopes crush in the passing of days, too feeble to ignite once more. As the clocks draw out their ticks, you will soon begin to forget the blaze you once had, you will soon come to forget the hatred you harbor for yourself. The very person you want to shove a knife into, a punch in the gut, a bullet through the head, is the same one you begin to forget and leave to rot. All the little things that were once seared into your lips crumble like dead flies and twitch as though they would come alive once more. Your name had been dragged through mud, drowned in the sea and left in a uninhabited forest to die. You want, so badly, to take off and never come back but you cannot. The chains that bind you down clank around your ankles and the memories pin you down. The days you want to take a blade and slash down your shoulder blades to let the wings you know are beneath blossom slowly wither away in insanity. There is nothing wrong but perhaps there is nothing right in the first place. The words you have said so many times before sour on your tongue and though you long to spit them out, you swallow instead. Stop the hunching of your shoulders and push them back instead. Stand up tall and straight for another day. Perhaps everything will stay the same, like it had for so long now. Maybe nothing will change at all. This year may give way to another year that will be like the previous ones once more. Forever is not definite. The possibility of change keeps it from being so. Therefore, the years can transform and become anything you hope it to be. The years can keep tumbling in an endless cycle or it can be as irregular as a heartbeat when it encounters romance. When you lose everything, keep holding on to that chance- that possibility that everything will not be what it should be. That possibility that exists because when you put your hand over your heart, there is a strong, steady pulse that answers the call of your palm.

picking at webs

2012-01-23T08:16:00.000+08:00

The war outside our door keeps raging on.

I've only just finished reading "The Hunger Games" by Suzanne Collins. In lieu of that, I supposed that quoting from "Safe and Sound", the theme song for "The Hunger Games" movie, was appropriate. Perhaps I heard the song prior to my knowledge it was to be the theme song in the movie but if I did, I do not recall it at all. However, one thing is certain- I did not know it was Taylor Swift singing until my sister told me so.

So far, I've been hearing mixed responses to the song but majority of the people's opinions are veering towards the positive side.

One of the first things I thought upon my completion of the final book in the trilogy is simply this- I don't think I can ever write something like that. Indeed, my writing has improved over the years and while some of my expressions remain bizarre, it's much better than what I started out with. However, I can't help but feel my words are simply pretty and nice sounding on the surface but they have no real worth of substance.

I can paint a picture with words but I can't tell a story. Well, not a decent one that will move people and set them thinking, anyway. Perhaps it will come in time but I'm not so sure. Hmm. Alright, then. I shall give a slight brief over of the books to those who have not heard of them.

Where to start? Hmm.

Since I (perhaps, mistakenly) assume that most people don't really care much for books nowadays, here is the trailer for the upcoming movie- "The Hunger Games". Please do make an attempt to watch it because even when I didn't know anything about the books at all, I was still impressed with the trailer because it looked so epic.

Now, about the story line. Basically, it's about city named Capitol that has supreme control over twelve other cities named District One, all the way to District Twelve. There was a District Thirteen but it was claimed to be wiped out in the war waged for control. The people in the Capitol ultimately obtained control and in a bid to express their tight regime and to express how the people in the Districts are helpless against them, they invented an annual game called "The Hunger Games".

Each District will have to send a female and male tribute, aged twelve to eighteen, for the games. Long story short, they will have to fight to the death- there is only one victor for the games. Viewing from a humane, logical point of view, the games are sick in the sense they pit young teenagers against each other, battling for their own survival.

I didn't think it would be boring at all. From the start, the writing style ensured me it would be a good read. However, it did make me think a little more about the world I live in today. I won't go into details about that because it might mean giving up spoilers and talking about issues in which I feel too immature to deal with.

There's one thing I'm absolutely sure about and it is that books and stories help me understand the world around me better. Not literally about the world in a geographical sense because many of the stories I read are often of the fantasy genre. Rather, it's about human qualities, characters and how people would react when a certain situation is thrust upon them.

There is much, much, much more but that is a slight gloss over of it.

It almost always makes me realize how insignificant and unimportant I am in the world. How the world is large in comparison to the one I live and breathe, an idle routine that no longer feels like one. The things I face in my life seems almost minute compared to the trials faced by the characters in the books. Indeed, it might be a little too extreme to be comparing every day drama to scenarios of death, magic and all that jazz, but it just strikes me somehow as a fair comparison.

Honestly speaking, strangely enough, while I might admire the books and stories, I have no desire to be in one like whatever I'm reading. I enjoy my mundane life, as odd as it sounds. Yes, I may complain and say I'm never going anywhere, blah blah blah but I actually do like it, to some extent. Of course, there are times when I find it's a chore.

Also, reading makes me realize how spoiled, selfish and just generally bad I sound, especially in a lot of my blog posts but I can't really be bothered to properly reflect on my actions. That's that. I'm not going to sugarcoat but I won't agonize over it.

Alright.

That's all.

Fine, that's not it yet. It's weird but it's the Chinese New Year and I'm just about the last thing from festive. Joy.

Okay, now I'm done.

don't you leave

2012-01-23T00:51:00.000+08:00

The truth is- you can't feel for the world.

The quote, this time, ain't come from no one or any song. It was something that popped into my head after a while. This post is probably going to be a serious one and I would love to put it off as long as I can but I decided I should just get over with it. Sigh. It's going to be one of those times where I completely obliterate whatever good I have left in me.

Let me start off by saying, after much thinking, I realized I'm probably the baby in my family. Of course, if you went in terms of age, that would be my little brother but if you were thinking along the lines of who gets most pampered and spoiled, the winner is definitely me. I'm very clear about that- while I'm not exactly a proud and happy camper, I'm not afraid to admit it.

Well, I'm just saying that. I cringe as I confess my sins, all the time. It's ugly, these sides of me and while I prefer to shove them away in a corner and never let them see the light of day, I can't and I won't. After all, as all else good in me fails, the only salvation I have is my conscience. The one thing that, miraculously, seems to be getting more pronounced as time goes on.

It's kind of funny to me because I never gave a damn about these things when I was younger but as the years tacked on to me, I begin to survey things more carefully and actually obtain a sense of guilt. (Yes, it was particularly non-existent before, so much that I'll say I had to get one.)

Anyway, when I say I'm pampered and spoiled, I don't mean that I get everything I want and everyone goes according to my wishes or something like that. It's nothing so drastic and I'm not some bratty princess with tons of money. (Pity, that. Imagine me ruling the world. Heh.) It's just that I do tend to get my way and I've definitely the one who asked/wasted the most money among my siblings. Never mind from my parents, my sisters are also always lending me money, spending money on me.

It never used to bother me but it lodged itself into my mind permanently now. It has come to the point where I wonder if I can even survive without them or whether I can ever use my own money to get things I want and not have to borrow them off someone else. My third sister once said my first sister mentioned that giving money (or spending money, I suppose) on your younger siblings is the way of an older sibling.

I only have my brother, so it's not too fair for me whereas each of my sisters has at least two younger siblings. I'm horrible.

I have this thing with technology where when a laptop or computer comes into my hands long enough, it will eventually crash. Perhaps I visited some websites by accident and contacted a virus that way or did something wrong to the computer unknowingly. I swear I have never gone looking for trouble on purpose. It might be hard to believe but I really don't think I meant for it to happen.

It's easy to say, of course. However, nothing changes in the sense that I am the one to blame for the electronic device malfunctioning. I think the count is definitely about three. Or more. No less than three, I think. That's three laptops/computers spoiled by my hand.

Do I feel guilty? Hell yeah. Do I feel guilty enough to stop borrowing computers/laptops? Did I apologize and own up to my mistakes? No.

It's strange because I am usually a quite well-mannered person but somehow, I don't know how to work up the nerve to apologize. It's not that I think it's not my fault but I guess I'm acting like the kid who knows he/she did wrong but just don't know how to express it. Skirting around the issue, going so far as to completely ignore it. It's not that hard and I guess I'm just making excuses.

It's hundreds worth of machinery, after all. Sigh. I should, shouldn't I? Apologize. Sigh.

You might think it's that simple but no, it's years of borrowing money, years of being so dependent on others. They clocked up slowly but surely and now they're haunting my conscience.

My first sister recently told me she's going to buy me a laptop for my birthday. I feel tongue tied at the moment she told me and I simply said okay. In fact, at the moment, I'm using her boyfriend's laptop. Yes, I do feel bad but obviously, not bad enough to stop. I don't know. I could have denied her offer but then what? I'm using her boyfriend's laptop, after all.

My third sister shot back at me- how do I think the boyfriend feels about sitting beside me, watching me use his laptop?

Even if I deny her offer, it's still the same. I'm still relying on someone else, still living off another. It's high time I get independent and obtain what I want through my own means but while I'm starting on that with tiny, little baby steps, nothing else is happening. My third sister, quite blatantly, has no confidence in me at all. She was mocking, saying that I'll take ten steps back whenever something I want comes my way.

It's true but I'm determined to try my best to fend off the desire and temptation.

Truthfully, I'm just whining here, so don't mind me. I have something somewhat bigger to talk about, which has to do with the starting words for this post.

I'm practically the epitome of average for most aspects. In particular, my reaction towards starvation, people singing on the streets for money, homeless people, things like that. My stand is that I'm inwardly sympathetic but I don't do anything on the outside to indicate so. For instance, I would sign petitions in name of law changing but I won't be there in the crowds, holding up signs to ensure it actually gets done. I might drop some money into a beggar's bowl but I won't go beyond that to actually help the person secure a stable home, things like that.

To some extent, my behavior does disgust me? However, I'm most probably not changing. Sigh. I think the world should be changed but not by my hands.

It's the same stand I take with environmental issues and what not. I would mind my own business- I won't litter, I'll try not to waste water and reuse plastics but I won't persuade anyone else to do otherwise. In a way, this is a very selfish stand to take because it's so individualistic. (Is that the correct word? But yeah.)

...Okay, I'm supposed to type more but my stomach feels really weird and I'm tired, so I'm heading to bed.

My stomach feels really weird! Gah. If I die, I won't stay I lived a full life or anything cliche like that but I did enjoy it while it lasted, so I'll just accept whatever is thrown at me. Of course, it won't be without complain and if you actually gave me a chance to live, I'll take it without blinking. But I'm just saying that I won't kick up a fuss and demand to be brought back to life.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way, the quote was a lie. You can feel for the world. That's the truth. Nah, the truth is often ambiguous and not always absolute, so I wouldn't say that's the truth. More like a possible truth. The closest thing to the truth, in my case is that I don't want to feel for the world because it means I actually have to go about caring -and showing that care- and lord forbid that from happening. Haha.

That's all.

got your back

2012-01-21T01:19:00.001+08:00

I am sixteen going on seventeen.

Let me start off by saying I pondered quite hard over the lyrics for this post. I forgot when I started doing it but one fine day, I decided to quote lyrics for each post and it stuck with me ever since. For me, it's an essential part of a post unless I don't feel like it or it's a piece of writing, in which I usually do not quote then. Sometimes I do quotes from characters or things like that but for the most part, it's lyrics.

The lyrics actually kind of set the mood of my post and is a slight, sometimes inaccurate, indication of what I would like to say or express. I do believe when all else fails and the emotions you feel cannot be arranged by the words you know, music sings them right out. It's more than the lyrics- also about the sound, the feel, the feelings you get when you listen to it.

As you can see, I finally decided on "Sixteen Going On Seventeen", which is one of my favorite numbers from The Sound of Music, a classic movie.

There were a lot of songs I would have quoted from but I decided that it's enough to play the mature and realistic card for a bit. I meant the words I said but it's too much to go being so practical and rigid all the time. As you may know, I love laughing and smiling although it's a little odd because I do claim I'm sad, so being serious all the time is both a chore and a bore.

I just wanted to explain, a little in detail, about my previous post.

The backbone of it started with just two scenes in my head, the one about fingers down the back and the one about regrets crumpling away. From there, I build on it, conjuring it up as I go along. I suppose this is a piece about anatomy exploration but just a brief once over instead of anything much deeper.

I really love writing abstract pieces like those but it's a poor imitation of the real deal. I was inspired by a writer on deviantart to try my hand at writing like that. It's strange but lovely at the same time. Of course, her work is much, much, much better than my amateurish attempts. At the moment, she pretty much locked her account because plagiarism is at large and because she felt that she's not improving or gaining anything by staying in deviantart.

It's sad how a lot of my favorite artists and writers are leaving the internet or progressing, moving from websites they used to frequent. Ah, well. I would be devastated if my work were copied, I guess. I don't really understand why people do it but I suppose it's a thing where you want something you don't have. To bask in someone else's light because you have none of your own.

The thing is, I spent this holiday doing pretty much nothing, although I set off with great ambitions.

That's nothing new. In fact, it happened for various holidays prior to this one. However, there is one startling and distinct difference, which is simply this- I don't feel anything particular about it. In the past, I would be really upset by my lack of effort, the fact I did not manage to complete what I said I would. Yet this time, I'm just okay with it. I don't regret anything, which is really strange to me.

I'm not disgusted by myself and I'm not berating myself over it, calling myself names and just being a drama queen about it. I feel so strange that I'm feeling this way!

Anyhow, I'm not obnoxious enough to consider this a sign of my maturing- in fact, I would say it's more of the fact that I'm used to it already. I might be wrong, of course. Haha. I think it's more of the fact I decided to take things easy and realize that I might not be anything more than average though. It's very liberating, so far, this way of thinking.

That's what inspired the bit about regrets crumpling. I feel as though as I hold on to my regrets, they fall through my fingers like dust and spiral to the ground in the light wind. I would not be able to hold them up again in their entirety because they have fallen apart and no longer root themselves in my consciousness or thinking. I always find it so hard to let things go but it seems that this time, I succeeded, by some curious change.

My sister and I went swimming today. I won't say swimming is second nature to me- I'm just not at that level and I may never be because I'm pretty dang lazy. Haha. But I really do enjoy it. Seriously though, the only stroke I can do decently is freestyle and I'm not even that good at it. Despite reminding myself it's not a competition every few seconds, I still can't help but be influenced by the people around me and treating it like one.

It's just me. I'm really competitive by nature, I think, but I don't really show it. I mean, you'll have to actually ask me about it for me to reveal it to you because I don't look like I'm competitive at all. It's super weird because I expect to be able to compare with other people while not trying at all. Laughable, ain't it? One of those odd things about me, I guess.

Anyway, about swimming- freestyle is the best because I keep my head down and I don't see anyone else. It's just me moving in the water, watching the light play across the tiles; the shapes spreading over the floor. I would say swimming is therapeutic to me.

Speaking of swimming, I'm pretty much determined to join a sport in JC. Just because I want to. Haha. I would love to learn how to beat someone up- in other words, learn some martial arts or something. Not that I'm going to go around throwing punches but I truly believe having this kind of knowledge makes you superior in situations which requires physical violence. You know, if you ever get caught in them.

However, I think I'm going to do some weird sport. Haha. Ugh, I was walking by the other day and woah, the swimmers' bodies are really nice. I definitely pale in comparison but I'm not self conscious enough to let that deter me. It'll probably be depressing to go swimming with them though. As it is, swimming is the only sport I can do decently at.

I don't really feel like starting from scratch, to learn something that requires lots of gear or whatever. By the way, this is random but Acjc has a lot of weird clubs... Like, what? That exists? Haha.

I'll see how it goes but I'm pretty much set on a sport, I suppose. Just depends which one. I'm kind of interested to learn tennis -most likely because of all Prince of Tennis when I was growing up- but I'm worried about how much the racket would cost and I'm pretty sure that I won't have any chance to play it after I graduate. So yeah. Hmm.

This is a pretty crap post but ah, well. I need some of these every once in a while.

Hmm. Watched the latest episode of both New Girl and Glee- they're the only shows I keep up with by myself. I pretty much gave up on The O.C. and Gossip Girl. Way too much drama- they're the kind of shows I just want to pop their dvds in and laze watching them. Loading them and watching them on the computer screen is unbearable after a while, somehow.

Santana is so dang sexy! Haha. Naya! I don't really like how they're like, making her character try too hard now, to show she's still in the game and that she's always going to be mean. Pfft. But I guess that's an essential part of her character- that need to have a leg up as compared to the rest of the world. Sigh. I like how she's getting part of the spotlight but I feel kind of sad people like Brittany and Tina are probably never going to get their fair share of it. Ah, well.

New Girl! Oh, Jess. Haha. I love the douchebag jar. Everyone should have one! This episode seems more like a filler kind of episode? Hmm. It's not too bad, I think. Just nothing much to say about it. The only part I loved was at the end, where Schmidt just kept saying stuff and depositing his money into the jar. Haha. By the way, twenty nine seems so old to me. Being sixteen is old already, to me. Sigh.

I guess that's another reason I settled on the song quote for this post- to remind myself I'm still really young and I still do, actually, have time to do what I want to and just enjoy myself. :) Only sixteen, yeah.

Gah.

Will want to complete Hunger Games soon. Okay.

That's all.

sweetness

2012-01-20T23:03:00.000+08:00

You could skid fingers down my back and not grasp anything more than old memories and little flirty, nonsense I keep close by me. They are the things that keep my posture erect, even though I have long digressed into a spineless, quivering mess held up only by knowledge that perhaps this may pass and the refusal to crumble and fall.

If you were to grip my hipbones, you'll find all the love I have hidden carefully there, right smack in the middle of nowhere and nothing. Mine does not protrude harshly from my skin but enough to remember that they're still there, that love still exists in this tired body of mine. Trail your fingers along my abdomen, skim the valley of my breasts and lay your palm against my pulse. It's a dull, resounding beat and it is a little strange to think that it is one of the indications I am alive.

Move a little upwards and rest your weary fingers on the curve of my shoulder. There are more bones and skin to explore but take a breather there. Perhaps you could imagine the invisible burdens these shoulders once held but they slipped off like spilled oil, dirty and sullied. Just a bit more and you will reach my neck. Entwine your fingers over them, squeezing briefly to remind yourself that this is a life.

To remind yourself that with a mere tightening of your hands for a prolonged moment, you can end everything I am to be and eradicate whoever I am. You can steal my presence, my wishes, my hopes, my past, my dreams, my love if you would only take my breath away. Leave my neck alone then, not because you are not courageous to take the step, but because you have no need to.

Detour back to my wrists, where you would find them indecently bare. The thoughts have, indeed, flitted through my head fleetingly. There were days I wanted to mar that pale skin, taunt life and play with death, to slash cross the pipes that carry life within. To expose them to the air and see if they disintegrate then. I have dreamed of red and splashes but I have never seen them. Perhaps, not just yet.

Take yourself away from the morbidness by directing yourself back to my neck, onward to my jaw. They are not particularly defined but if you look hard enough, you will begin to see the regrets that shaped it, the imperfections that prevented it from appearing too manufactured. Should your fingers whisper across them, you could probably see how the regrets crumple away, like how ashes would fall to dust. The regrets cling to my jaw but were you to brush it, they would fall away and lose its significance. They do not fall to nothingness because they are still tangible but they are forgotten to me and that is what matters the most.

Let a thumb run over my lips, stilling the breath that has just started to escape. They are too full, too robust with sadness that they appear strange on my otherwise plain, colorless face. All I ever have are sad smiles and most of the time, they are not enough to quell the desire for anything to stifle the loneliness and acute sense of longing within me. Brush against them as though you can wipe all the sadness from them. Your efforts will probably never amount to anything but the attempts would be appreciated greatly.

Skip my nose because it does not warrant your attention, like all the problems I have shoved in a dark corner of myself. It's there and you can see it so clearly but ignore it anyway, because it would do us both no good should you try to confront them. I would cut off my nose to spite my face but I bite hard on my thoughts, unwilling to let them be known to any but me. Move on, because that is the only thing you can do.

There is hope in the corner of my eyes but if I squint, they disappear instantly but the numbing determination lingers in my elongated pupils. For all of the rest of me is that is sad and pathetic, I keep my best in my eyes and allow them to do the convincing instead of the battered body that I now house. There are so many things I could have said but I hold my tongue because there is still time for them to be revealed in the future.

When I blink, it is as though I am nothing at all, lost in the world. I feel as though, should you try to grab me and stop me, your hands would only pass by me like I am transparent, although you can clearly see me. Perhaps I am simply not substantial enough for your touch but that would be a lie because I crave it. Maybe that is your way of saying that desire and desperation comes up to nothing. I can never tell with you.

I am not leaving, although I had planned to at first. There is no point in running away when you know not what you are running from. So I'll stay and I'll be here, should you ever need to find me. Here I will wait, for those fingers that will run down my back.

you can cry;

2012-01-17T22:56:00.000+08:00

Don't complain. You just need to overcome yourself.

This might be too early in the year to do a post like this but I suppose in a way, it's appropriate as the previous year recently came to a close. In addition to that, I have my results in hand and I will probably make a more serious post in lieu of my junior college days, unlike the previous post where I simply said I was excited for school and rambled about religion on the side.

Honestly, I feel like all my life's a lie and I'm just living an illusion sometimes. I've said so much and done so little. All the words that I swore to live by crumbled as I held them in my palms. I suppose that is how people fall- to finally become the people they swore never to be when they were younger. One thing leads to another and soon after, they find themselves drowning in downward spiral with no way out.

Recently, I feel so old.

It's hard to imagine I'm still sixteen and indeed, I still have a blank ahead of me. It might be what I have gone through and experienced but I actually think it might be the fact I ponder too much about things I should leave aside until later. Since a while ago, I've been always thinking about what I want to do in the future, thinking of schools, careers and all that.

Perhaps I was thinking too hard about it but never doing anything about it. I've changed my mind so many, many times but I guess that's normal. People are fickle, indecisive and undetermined at the worst of times. I won't fault myself for changing my mind but I am a little upset that I never did stick to one thing and tried to go all the way with it.

I sigh a lot nowadays. There isn't really a reason for it, it's just that I feel so tired somehow. There was a time where I was really sad but I got over that. Maybe it's a teenager thing but I'm so sick of blaming everything on my adolescence. Maybe it's me. It doesn't really matter in the end.

Okay, what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to move on.

All the lies I've told, the things I said I'll do, all that little petty things and the important things, I'm going to wipe them clean and start afresh. Burn them in a metaphorical fire and let the wind sweep away the ashes. There's no point to holding on to them anymore when they will only drag me down and be a burden I'm afraid I will never live up to.

The truth is, I will never stop thinking about the future, but I'm just saying I will try to make a bigger effort to concentrate on the now. Paranoia is a large part of me and I'm always scared, always afraid. I guess, in a way, I smile and laugh a lot to cover them up. Not that I'm hiding it but because I don't really feel like dealing with all that baggage.

I'm a very flawed human being but that's okay. It's really a shame how little courage I have to do what I want to do and just blast what anyone thinks. I would be a really cool person if I were that brave. Haha.

Only now am I finally starting to accept and understand that maybe, you'll never be the adult that you want to be. Most probably, you'll end up doing something you hate in life. There's an extremely high chance that you are nothing special and you will never amount to anything in life.

I used to insist I could do it, if only I tried and I put in hard work but now I'm coming to terms that it takes people with extraordinary hard work and perhaps, the slightest bit of talent to be someone who is really great. I have to accept that I might never go anywhere and that I will have a mundane life that's devoid of any fun.

Gosh, I sound depressing. Haha. I'm only being realistic! Of course, there are still little, tiny parts of me that are clutching desperately to the little hope that resides within me, still dreaming and thinking of a future full of money, sparkles and smiles. I guess as much as I want to claim I'm not longer a child, I can never do it because of these silly sides of myself.

The above lyrics, yes, they're lyrics, come from the song "THE REGULARS". I like it. Also, I find it kind of ironic that I am here trying to say I accept that I never be anything when I'm quoting from that song, which basically goes like, "I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR VICTORY-". Hahaha. Oh, got to love irony. After all, I'm the queen of contradiction.

....I'll probably be very amused if I become an office lady next time. It's the one job that I swore to myself I'll never do. Cooped up in an office all day? Gosh. Even running around sweating in the sun, risking breaking a leg and not having any breaks sounds more appealing than sitting in a cubicle all day doing paper work. Hmm.

I think after a while, it doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as what I do pays the bills. Haha.

From now on, I'll keep my dreams secret so I won't be guilty of not achieving them after I blabbed them to the whole world. Haha. Smart plan! There are so many things I would love to do but I'm pretty sure I won't get to due to my inability to strive hard and stick harshly to one thing. Ahhhh.

I'm pretty sure that I had more to say but I feel that what I've said so far is adequate.

Alright, then, I'll leave you with one more thing. To be frank, I've always liked pretty boys and people who are quite obviously good looking. It's the superficial, shallow side of me that I always thought dominated my whole self that swoons over them. I'm sure there's a side of me that thinks beauty is only skin deep, blah blah blah but it's either buried deep within me or so slight that it's probably negligible.

However, after watching shows like The Artist (2011) and other shows which I can't think of- oh, George Clooney, Richard Gere would be good examples though-, I find that charming men have a way of endearing themselves to me. It has come to the point where I actually think that charm presides (I think this is not the right word but it works?) over looks.

Heath Ledger was the same. He wasn't particularly good looking but he was really charming. At least, in the films I've watched of him.

I mean, there is nothing so dang sexy as confidence. Seriously. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if you're already confident about yourself. Yup.

That's all.

just keep going

on my way

2012-01-17T01:51:00.000+08:00

ore wa makenai
(translation: I won't be defeated.)

Wait a moment, I am busying collecting my emotions. They're all over the place and making me feel pretty overwhelmed at the moment. ...Okay, wait, wait. Okay. By the way, some things to say before I forget- I typed the lyrics without a capital in the front because I'm not sure whether Japanese has capital letters when it comes to romaji. Yup. Oh! Also, I've been told before that "ore" is a pronoun that is usually meant for males, in an arrogant sort of way. (In other words, it's weird for a female to use it, but hey, it's lyrics, so yeah.)

Now I can start.

Recently, my sister and I watched Dream Live 6th, which one of the Prince of Tennis musicals but not really related to the original story line- more like an extra performance to compile songs from the previous few musicals, etc, an additional show, so as to speak.

I'm pretty sure most people heard of the manga and/or the anime before but the musical is probably relatively more unknown. Yes, they do run around, sing, dance and swing rackets. They even hit invisible tennis balls. To someone watching it for the first time, it would probably be pretty bizarre but I first watched it when I was much younger, so the ludicrous effect was subdued in my young eyes.

...My paragraphs feels way too long in this post. Oh, well. At the moment, I'm currently watching clips of what I can find in youtube because I missed it quite a lot. One of my all time favorite song is always "On My Way" and I managed to find a video with the romaji, kanji (I think that's what it's called?), Chinese and English translations.

Quite obviously, the Chinese translation is better than the English ones. The lyrics are a bit lame but hey, it's a tennis musical! Haha. It'll be too weird if they have really in-depth lyrics that have nothing to do with them. I love the lyrics for some because it's so motivational and for some, it's sort of cocky, like there's a song called "I'm Always Winner". (HEY! I found the video with English subtitles and romaji...)

... I was about to make a post where I ramble about life but forget it. I'm just going to concentrate on Tenimyu (Prince of Tennis musical) for this one. You can get lost if you're not interested, which I'm pretty sure a lot of you aren't. Haha.

AHHHH. ALL THE EMOTIONS.

My sister and I followed Tenimyu last time, a long time ago. We started when I was quite young, maybe around primary three? We stopped a while back because they completed the whole series, although there were impending plans to restart all over again but with a much younger cast and all that. We dropped out after that because it's too tiring to follow anymore and the cast was getting so young and looked rather inexperienced.

Tenimyu used to be a pretty big part of my life. In fact, I remember in secondary two or three, I think, I kept listening to the soundtracks during the breaks in class or during recess. One of my teachers asked me what I was listening to but I only smiled. It was those times where I was still really into the musicals and listened to the music with an almost obsessive fashion.

Ah, those days.

OH MY GOSH, ALL THE EMOTIONS. Sorry, I just keep watching the videos and keep being hit by things like nostalgia, a slight twinge of sadness, joy, etc. It's like meeting friends you haven't seen for a long time- I keep smiling and laughing. Pretty soon, I'm sure the other occupants in the room with me are going to think I'm nuts! Haha!

Okay. Abandoning all plans of typing a coherent post and going to tumblr or whatever. I'm going to just keep listing videos and channels. Watching them too! :) So excited!

Another song I really like, Season. This one's the original version, I'm pretty sure. Anyway, this channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/aikawarazudare/featured has a lot of songs, but probably not subbed. It also has the full Dream Live 3rd, Imperial Match Hyotei, Absolute King Rikkai Second Service. From what I've seen, Dream Live 3rd and Absolute King Rikkai Second Service are English subbed! :) There's a lot of other videos like backstages and stuff but the ones I've checked have no subs.

Ugh. Dream Live 3rd's Season! This one has subs and just watching the video made me feel like sighing- I didn't! I smiled instead. Yes, I am a creepy person who smiles to her computer screen. Ah, life. Been saying "life" a lot but it's the one word that literally encompasses everything, so I'll stick with it for now. By the way, Season is one of the most popular or well received song in all the musicals and from seeing how warm and fuzzy the lyrics are, it's no surprise. I've said it before but one reason why I love Japanese music so much is because of the lyrics. I love the motivational crap and all. :)

Ahhh! Hahahahaha. Data wa Uso o Tsukanai! I love this performance of that song! Haha. Best one ever. Araki was on crack on something. It was awesome. Haha. Love the end as well. Wow. Shinken Shoubu to wa Sou Iu Koto, I love this song because of this performance! Anyway, I claim this song to be "The song where they all profess their endless and undying love for Tachibana". The person who wrote the top comment agreed with me as well! :)

This channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/RobinObsession/videos has some subbed videos, quite a lot of Dream Live 3rd ones and a bunch of other unsubbed songs.

Illusion, Dream Live 7th version. Ugh. I tried watching the other Niou's one but it just doesn't work for me. I think Masataka Nakagauchi (long, long, long name) is so awesome because he makes the dance look really good. It's so intense and just ugggghhhh. Haha. He definitely has the Niou in my head down pat. Not that I really know Niou but my impression of him, anyway.

Oh! Here: http://www.youtube.com/user/Madziaste/videos?sort=dd&view=u&page=1 has Burimyu, which is the name for the Bleach musicals. Yes, Bleach has musicals as well. My sister and I were more of a fan of Tenimyu but we watched like, one or two Burimyu. I didn't think it was that bad- not as bad as it could be. Apparently, there was a Naruto musical as well but they didn't film it down or something... Anyway, the musicals aren't subbed in English though, but if I ever want to watch the Bleach musical...

I'm just doing all these by chance, so if I managed to find something related, I'll record it down.

Okay, here: http://www.youtube.com/user/7YearsOfTenimyu/videos has random subbed videos, including Erabareshii Elite shudan. Haha. Akazawa who goes to the tanning salon. Ken! Haha. His voice is quite good. Ahhh. Now, I really miss the first few musicals...

This: http://www.youtube.com/user/arkadymnekozukii/videos has a lot of Rikkai stuff but not always English subbed. Some of them are... Spanish subbed, I think? ... I want to watch the original Rikkai song, gah.

Right when I said it. Haha. Hijou no Tennis, original version and Hijou no Tennis, subbed and from Dream Live 4th. I love it when they sing for each other, like Katta mon gachii ya and the Seigaku regulars song as well. Love! This channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/BiaNoYami#g/u has a lot of songs, mostly unsubbed I think, but from the latter stuff like Dream Live 6th and the Rikkai matches.

By the way, I think most of the subs are not accurate at all and at most, should be treated as a vague indication and a sort of guide instead of the absolute meaning and words.

This: http://www.youtube.com/user/scruffmutt1/videos?sort=dd&view=u&page=1 has random stuff and the whole of Dream Live 7th.

This: http://www.youtube.com/user/hope33/videos has a quite a few numbers from the first cast and some of them subbed.

Okay.

That's all.

2012-01-16T16:14:00.001+08:00

Blah. I hate finding things that I once knew, especially on the internet. It's worst than finding a needle in a haystack. It's like finding a needle in a haystack in an entire country with dozens of barns, pet shops and what not. It could be anywhere! It could be anything! Ugh.

Desperately trying to recalling one of my old accounts where I had writings on it but I forgot what's the username, password etc. Life.

scratches and burns

2012-01-15T04:41:00.002+08:00

"I'm not fucking perfect."

That's a quote and although you could pluck it from every other emotional teenager who has too much angst in their life, it's from a character in a story I'm reading at the moment. It's completely relevant for something I talked about in my last post- not listening to what you yourself think is just and right, not feeling things you're supposed to. (Referring to how I judge people based on one incident, thing, etc when I said that's not fair.)

I always feel like the words that you define yourself are the ones that are most special. You can always look up things like "love", "perfection", "beauty", "death" but at the end of the day, it's your own impression and interpretation of the word that matters the most.

Anyway, as you might be able to tell from why I'm quoting the character, I do like him because he's clearly not giving a hoot about what's he supposed to and going for what he wants. I like a person who's not afraid to declare their intentions and make good word of it. Also, I don't think anyone can be perfect, even in the ways people think they are.

...This might develop into a rant about perfection but I'm going to stop it before it progresses any further!

I actually came here (again) to mention that I'm actually excited for jc. SHOCK! Haha. That's what I forgot to mention earlier and that post was long enough that I decided to start a new one, which was sidetracked because I'm currently reading the story, alongside blogging. I alternate between the two every now and then. It takes me pretty long to do a post because I usually do other things on the side. There's also another thing I wanted to say but that's for later.

When I was Wan Ling today, I said it all. That jc is like my second chance and I never want to use the phrase "all things considered" again.

I'm lucky even to get this second chance- the last chance I can get to get good grades to decide my fate in the future through my own hands. Wan Ling kept saying I'm lucky and to tell you the truth, even though I was rather reluctant to admit it to myself, most of the things I've achieved so far are usually due to luck. It just works out in my favor, for some odd reason. I'm not being egoistic (actually, I think I am...) but it was really all just luck.

Luck was what got me my grades, luck was everything. I sincerely never did accomplish something with my hard work and effort before. If you think about it that way, it's kind of pathetic. Of course, I kind of feel bad for people who don't get what they want, even through hark work when there are people like me who can literally get it without putting much of ourselves into it.

It's definitely not fair, but things rarely are. For the record, I haven't gotten anything particularly well with luck- I just managed to scrape through and do remarkably well but of course, in consideration of all the other factors. I'm no genius and I can't get 6 points without trying. (That's proven.) However, I feel a little hurt that people think that I don't try- at all.

I do try. Seriously. It might seem like some kind of joke but I really did try my best for the things that I thought mattered. I wanted to excel in English, Literature and my combined humanities. These three were the most important to me. I just wanted to get good grades for them.

In the end, I succeeded and it wasn't without effort on my part. Well, what I mean by not putting in hard work is that I didn't mug and I didn't treat it like a life or death situation. Yet I did study and go through my past work. In fact, these four examinations (combined humanities is really two subjects) are the ones I really put effort into, which explains my distinctions. I can't tell you how happy I am to get an A1 for Literature. Anything less would have broke my heart.

...If you could just see through me now, I'm just defensive people think I'm some potty mouthed crack head (no, I don't mean drugs, just crazy in general) who doesn't try at all. I admit I didn't put in much effort but I won't say I was completely doing nothing!

Judge me all you want. Hmph. Haha. I deserve to be judged though, I suppose.

Okay, I shall get down to it. I really want to work hard in jc. WHY DID SHE DIE- PEOPLE DON'T DIE LIKE THAT- NOOOOO-. Sigh. Sorry. A character I liked died. WHYYYYYYY. So. I don't know. If I were religious, I would say something like, "God gave me another chance-".

No, I have nothing against religion. I just think I'm probably too logical and rational a person to believe in something that requires faith. Well, of course, that's not the only reason. The real reason is probably that I love life. I like to appreciate things as they are- to see artworks and to analyse people and to live, breathe and just feel from things that elicit emotions in me.

It might be superficial... I don't mean only the things that are tangible and the things I feel are the things that exist. I don't know how to put this without contradicting my previous statement but here goes. I don't believe in God, I don't believe there's this being somewhere who created the universe and however you argue it to me, it doesn't matter because I think it's not important.

I can't believe in a being that dictates life. People pray to God to ask for his help, for him to be their savior or that he is their savior, their lord who helped them in their times in need. I don't have a problem with that at all. I don't mind it. In fact, I would probably earnestly encourage anyone to pursue whatever they want to, if they asked for my opinion. (I mean, people get weird around me after I start blabbering about religion... And when I say I don't believe in God to Christians, it's like I signed my warrant that says "We shall never be good friends".)

This is all my own opinion, of course. I choose to put my faith into people and if they choose to put their faith in God, so be it. That's just how it is, to me. One of my teachers who's religious, I think, told us one day that we put faith in things that we don't notice. Like waking up each day, knowing that there is money to last you through the day, silly little things like those.

I think that made more sense to me than believing in a being that I don't think exists. I don't know. Maybe I should just talk to someone who's more experienced about it to get my facts right- I don't think they are really right. I feel like sometimes, God is wonder and therefore, all things are God. If you asked me what God meant to me other than the being, then I would say, "Everything."

Sometimes, I feel like God's just a substitute for things people fail to accurately place a name to. Like that imaginary friend we all wish we had. God, the imaginary friend. Hah. Okay, sorry, I think I'm crapping now. Haha.

Religion, to me, is a messy business because of all the arguments and debates, so to be honest, I don't know much and I'm just crapping my way through and showing you a very raw, unrefined and choppy version of my opinions. I should learn more about it before starting to even talk about it, huh.

Sorry if I offended anyone- it wasn't in my intention to do so, just to make my thoughts plain.

Anyway, I originally wanted to say I'm excited for jc because for the first time, I'm actually interested in what subjects I am to be taking and I really want to get the subject I want to get in. Things like English Language and Linguistics and Knowledge Inquiry. Granted, these two are really tough subjects and I might not even be offered them in the first place but I would very much like to be able to try for them anyway.

Shouldn't put myself down until it is proven I can't do it.

They sound interesting to me, that's it. More so than science and maths, that's for sure. I like those subjects which allow you to think freely because I feel that it gives you more space and freedom. It's not really based on what you've learnt but more like how you are able to present yourself and understand what you've been given. Science and mathematics are very dry in the sense that you have to use what you've been given.

I love how for humanities, there isn't a set grade based on like quantity or the accuracy of your answer but rather, the quality and how convinced the examiner is by your argument.

By the way, I wanted to say I think I screwed up my Literature quite badly, right after I completed it. For starters, I didn't finish the second half of my paper one properly and was just scribbling on and on until the last second. Don't think I made much sense, really.... For the paper two- LOL. Hahahaha. I laugh now thinking about it because I got my A1 but the question asked for two sides and I gave four. Haha. True fact, that. I don't remember the second half of that paper- I just remember screwing the first half quite badly.

I mean, four sides! To a question! I think it was whether you feel amused or sympathy for a character, I think. You're just supposed to do amused and sympathize but I did amused, not amused, sympathize and not sympathize. Hahahaha. Oops.

That explains why I am so happy with my grade, yes?

Don't really have much to say about the jc issue because I'm quite uncertain of a lot of things but I'm just hoping it will all turn out for the best. Yup.

Oh! I wanted to say that I want to be able to not use the phrase "all things considered" when I get my A level results. I don't want anymore pre-conditions to my grades or anything like that. That's it.

I think "swag" is an overused word with a lot of definitions but to me, it's that extra "Oomph!" that someone has. I just wanted to say when some people do song covers or dance covers, they have no swag at all. Haha. I'm like, you ain't got no swagger, dude/girl! Haha. Sorry. Just saying.

That's all.

thrown away

2012-01-15T03:03:00.002+08:00

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive.

To start off, I would like to say that I'm always surprised when someone tells me, "I read your blog." or "Yeah, I know, I read your blog." or basically anything along those lines. I know I do have people reading it- I mean, I can clearly see the page views and while they might not be a lot, they're definitely more than I can achieve, even though I click "view blog" quite often.

I spell check every post after I post them and then edit them to correct the mistakes I made. Of course, I do miss some sometimes but for the most part, I try to make it as coherent and exact as possible. It's funny sometimes because even though I know what I want to write (on the rare occasions I plan out my posts but mostly what that's in my head...), it comes out as something else.

For example, if I wanted to say "The fish is very big" but I end up typing "The fish is very bog" or I substitute words that don't make sense, which I need to correct- I can't think of any examples at the moment which I actually made but it's like typing "love" when I meant "laugh" instead. Two quite different words that cannot be used in place of the other. Things like that. Silly mistakes that I prefer people not see me make...

By the way, my friend, Wan Ling, was being annoying and she claimed I still don't know anything about L1R5 because Chinese cannot be used for it. There. I corrected the previous post already, but I'll admit to my error. That little thing slipped my mind there. Sorry. I was insulted when she said I still don't know anything about L1R5!

I've come a long, long, long way from the ignorant child I once was. Definitely, I'm still light years off from being anywhere near knowledge or prepared but it's an improvement that I don't seem to not know anything at all now. Seriously.

Anyway, about people reading my blog, I'm always like, "YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT LITTLE OLD ME!! YOU READ WHAT I'M BLABBERING!" and break down into a mess of emotions. Haha. Of course, it's all inwardly, so all you'll see is probably my eyes blinking/looking at you weirdly and saying, "Oh". I just feel very warmed that some people actually take interest in what's happening in my life and wants to know the drama queen I am.

By the way, since we're on the topic of blogs, I haven't really seen a blog I like in a long, long while. By blog, I do mean all words and no pictures or if so, then every once in a long, long, long while. Basically, mostly text. I mean, I loved Jiayi's blog because she's so funny and she has this amazing sense of humor that works because of her wit and sarcasm. Jerlene's blog was hilarious because Jerlene is the kind of person who doesn't know she's funny but the whole world roars in laughter when she does or says something.

I did have blogs that I liked but I can't remember them off the top of my head and honestly, I'm lazy to read blogs unless they interest me a lot. Most of the blogs I've seen are... boring. I mean, I think mine is too, especially if you don't know me. I think that if you know me, it probably be a little cool to see a different side of me, I suppose. (AND KNOW ALL MY DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS-)

I'm in one of those weird moods now, so don't mind me.

Just wanted to say I had a very satisfying day. I'm not going into details because I am wary about who reads this blog. Yes, I know I probably did say I would blog what I want but sometimes, I just want no one to know what I'm talking about. With this blog, it's quite impossible. Haha. That's why I have a tumblr, you see.

By the way, I'm tired of people saying, "Don't judge me" or whatever. It's stupid. I made this whole rant on tumblr about the line "You don't know me" because it's more relevant there than in every day life but "Don't judge me" definitely belongs here.

Hell, I probably said it before but now I think about it, it's such a ridiculous line.

I mean, people judge people all the time, even unknowingly, unconsciously, especially when you form assumptions about that person and all those misconceptions. That must come from somewhere. Okay, according to dictionary.cambridge.org, the definition of judge is this, "to form, give or have as an opinion, or to decide about something or someone, especially after thinking carefully".

Hmm, I guess the last bit is not applicable to most people.

You always judge people. I know I do, just that I usually keep it to myself because I firmly believe that you shouldn't be mean unless the person needs to know about it. I won't tell anyone that I don't find them attractive at all because it's not even their fault they're not visually appealing and it's not something they can change naturally. What do you want them to do? Go get plastic surgery so you can compliment them? Be real.

I definitely will tell someone about their character flaws all in the name of helping because those people get on my nerves and should be told about it. Of course I'll tell someone she's being a bossy, snobby bitch and that she should tone it down before everyone spits in her face. Well, I won't word it that way but you get my point. Usually, it happens when two people are friends. If that girl was a random stranger or an acquaintance, I'll just roll my eyes, unless she is in my group for a project or something. (Hell yeah I'm selfish! Why should I get involved in something that doesn't involve me? That's asking for trouble.)

Yeah, I'm definitely that annoying kid that has to tell everyone everything. Haha. Being straight forward is one of my mottos in life. (By now, I have a lot and I don't keep track but yeah, that's one of them.)

I don't think that people should be dictated based on a single image or a single line or a single action. It's the general impression you get of them, the things you know they've done and the person you always knew. I won't get disgusted and hate my friend just because she posted a photo of her kissing another girl when she was drunk.

Or if my male friend decided to wear an ugly costume that blinds the eyes, I won't say, "It's ugly and I don't want to be your friend anymore.", I'll probably say, "DUDE! What were you thinking! Hahaha!"

...Okay, bad examples but you know what I mean. I don't think it's fair to form an opinion of a person through one incident or hearsay or what they've done. While having that in mind, you should still be open to the fluctuations in their character, words and actions.

And, this is the part where the "BUT!" comes in. I do judge and form opinions of people based on one thing, one incident or one action they did before. Haha. Yes, I'm no saint and I do things I (more or less) preach against. I mean, I still don't like Kanye West because of the thing he did to Taylor Swift, although he's probably not as bad as I think he is, if I could only give him a chance.

I'm pretty sure there's an unofficial rule book to life but the point is to not follow it because only then will you enjoy yourself.

...The whole reason why I brought the "Don't judge me" up is because when someone does say it, I usually judge them all the more. Haha. Usually in my head though. I always felt like that statement was an admission to shame in what you have done or are doing, which is why you're asking for forgiveness in a very veiled way. Like, "Please! I'm still the same person, it's just that I did this or I am doing this..."

Pfft. I don't believe people can stay the same. Well. I think I explained it once before but ah, well. Won't go into details.

This is obviously not a post I planned beforehand because it's kinda messy. Seldom are the posts that are planed beforehand. I just blabber on and on, most of the time... This post started with me obsessing over the fact I have an extravagant reaction in my head when people acknowledge the fact they read my blog personally to me. It makes me feel happy in weird, strange ways.

I can tell you the education post was planned- the one where I talked about my results and all that. Usually, I try to make my posts long because I like them like that and I feel like being mean to anyone who bothers to filter through my words. Heh. There's like, one important thing in every twenty things. My friend said she didn't really like my blog because I usually just blabber on and on about one thing. Well, that pretty much summarizes my blog quite well.

So there.

I sort of revealed how I blogged in this post, so it wasn't a total waste of time or aimless post.

Now, how ironic it would be if this post had a spelling error or something like that. Hahahaha. It'll probably be funny to me. I'm still going to read through this, of course.

Okay.

That's it.

Kirsten is so sweet.

2012-01-14T00:47:00.003+08:00

2012-01-14T00:43:00.001+08:00

never again

3月9日

2012-01-11T04:17:00.002+08:00

Do you, do you remember?

How ironic that my title is in Chinese, seeing how my Higher Chinese results are. I just thought that very song was extremely fitting for the emotions I felt. Okay, fine, not really but it's a nice graduation song, one I always listen to again every now and then. This, 3月9日, is the original music video and singer while this, 3月9日, is the choir version with English subtitles from a drama series called "One Litre of Tears".

It's a pretty popular series at one time, adapted from a novel about a true story about a girl with an illness. It's not just one litre of tears, I swear. I cried buckets throughout the series, but that's probably because I'm emotionally vulnerable to these kinds of things.

..I just watched the video again and ALL THESE EMOTIONS. WHATEVER WILL I DO WITH THEM?!

Okay. I'll compose myself and continue on. My sister just told me that she read my previous post but only after my results were out, so she found it funny instead. I didn't think I was overly dramatic (...OKAY. FINE. Just a tad worse than normal, me feels) but pretty realistic. I knew what I was coming and I was preparing myself. So. Ah.

When I got my results and when I was thinking about it, I remembered an example my principal once said. (By the way, I haven't met a single person -student- who likes/liked our new principal. I find that terribly amusing but that's probably because I'm a terrible person. I'm not apologizing for being either!) She gave us an example of a boy (at least, I think he was male?) who liked mathematics very much and then went on to take O Level Mathematics even though he was in a neighborhood school.

He obtained a C6, which is a pass. Just a pass.

For our school, I won't say we're really good but we're okay. The school expects almost everyone to get an A1 for O Level Mathematics (Additional Mathematics is another story altogether-). It wasn't a matter of hard work- I mean, for me, I believe with passion comes hard work because you have the drive for it. It's just happens so that the circumstances are as such.

You can blame anything or trace it down to the first source- the boy had parents who are not smart, biological make up, etc. However, the people who are lazy (like me, exactly) just simply accept as that. It's just that some people are different who excel, specialize in different areas. You can't fit a mold into a shape as much as you can fit a shape into a mold when they're vastly dissimilar.

On a side note, let me tell you that I love Japanese music because a lot of it are motivational, lovely songs and I love those kind of songs, if you can't already tell. Japanese music is pretty soothing in a way American music can never be. I don't even want to talk about Kpop. Haha. Sorry, just listening to Japanese music now for various reasons.

Moving on. I should probably reveal my results to those who don't know them, yeah?

I got 11 for my L1R5, which is one language (usually Higher Chinese or English) and one mathematics (Additional Mathematics or Mathematics for me), one science (Physics or Chemistry for me), one Humanities (Literature or Combined Humanities for me) and two other subjects.

Therefore, the lowest you can get is 6, because the grades are A1, A2, B3 ,B4, C5, C6, D7, E8 and F9. Obviously, A1 is the best and F9 is the worst. To count your L1R5, you take add the number of the grades you got for the relevant subject and the sum will be it. Yeah, that's all.

Can you believe I didn't know about this until I was secondary three? Seriously. I didn't even know about streaming until the end of my secondary two year. Gosh. I'm really bad at the important academic stuff, as always. Anyway, I got 11, which isn't too bad, if you ask me. Here are my grades, in the order I was given in my certificate.

English Language One A
Literature In English One A
Combined Humanities Two A
Mathematics Two A
Additional Mathematics Three B
Physics Three B
Chemistry Three B
Higher Chinese Seven D

As you can see, my results are so orderly! Haha. I got a shock when I saw my paper. For a moment, I was just staring and the first words out of my mouth were, unfortunately, "Fuck! Fuck!" with an interval in between them where my eyes were wide and I could scarcely believe myself. Oh, yes, besides those I have written, I also have an additional result from another paper I took in the year before the last, which is Chinese and I got an A2. That one was a shocker as well.

Okay. So, it's probably time to discuss my feelings and all that, huh?

Firstly, let me tell you I felt like I pulled another stint- the do well without really studying affair that I normally pull, although with not as good results before, I suppose. It might be me being conceited or arrogant but I really achieved these results without putting much effort on my part. For anyone who did worse, it makes you feel like punching me in the face because you did put in effort and it "just isn't fair, damn it!".

I will give you an explanation because I feel I owe people that much. I can't say I didn't study because I did. Really, I did, even if it didn't seem so at times. However, my family members can vouch for me when I say I didn't mug at all and I didn't take the O Levels seriously. Please. I was using the computer every other day and for some papers, I would not study at all the day before and simply revise my notes a few hours prior to the examination.

Now, I'm not saying I'm smart because that's not true at all. I happen to have a combination of mostly luck, experience and a bit of studying I suppose. It might not be a very safe or sure gamble on my part to rely so heavily on things beyond my own power but so far, it worked out well. To be brutally frank, I've been pretty much winging it.

At my best, I would probably be only a bit above average. I'm nothing special. Okay. Wait, I don't know what direction I'm heading at the moment, with this post. Okay, I'll continue with my emotions about my results, my first sister, education and the future.

Upon seeing my results, I was shocked, initially, but it wore off fairly quickly into happiness. I was very happy because it was so unexpected. I've been telling everyone I expected myself to get 26. I was sure there would be more fives and sixs, maybe even more sevens. (D7 is a fail.) Therefore, I was a very happy girl indeed.

However, that wore off when I had to choose my schools. I want to take K.I. because I don't want to take G.P. This might be the most superficial reason ever but I don't want to keep up with current affairs and read newspapers. Yes, I am a terrible youth apathetic to politics and current affairs. Phooey on me. Sigh. I'm just not interested in what's happening in the world?

I know it's supposed to be important but it seems so much like it has nothing to do with myself at all. You can lecture me all you want but I don't think it'll do me any good. You have to wait for an incident or something to change my view.

Anyway, that's more or less it. K.I. is knowledge inquiry and it does sound so much more interesting. It's pretty much self-explanatory and I'm pretty excited at the idea of doing a question. Yeah. Anyway, I wanted to say I like History, which is kind of ironic in a way, considering how I don't like current affairs. I guess because history is all laid out and just waiting for you to speculate and justify. Current affairs... is too happening for me. Haha.

So, yes. There are very few "middle" schools that offer K.I. Honestly. K. I. is considered a pretty hard subject and a lot of people can't do it, apparently? My sister was looked highly upon because she did K.I. in her jc years. I want to go Junior College, as opposed to Polytechnic for various reasons. The main one is because I'm too dang lazy to go research on all the various courses available in Polytechnic. Seriously, it's tiring to research.

Therefore, for Jcs, it's either the very good bunch like NJC, Hwachong, Raffles, ACJC, etc or the not so good ones and those are really not too good, which aren't too many. I'm in the middle- not too good but not too bad either, so I have quite limited choices to deal with.

That was when the regret kicked in. Should have done better to be able to choose freely instead of pouring my mind over it. But then I brushed it aside because it's all done and I'm not going to suffer through one more year of this, not going to pay hundreds again just to get a good grade the next time. No, I'm just going to deal with it.

I'm bend on getting K.I. as one of my subjects but I think it's okay, actually, if I don't get it. It's not going to be a disappointment to me but more of a waste, I guess. I just think G.P. is too much like advanced English and K.I. sounds so much more interesting. That's the not too blunt approach to choosing K.I.

There. I'm done on my emotions for my results. There's nothing much after that, just endless thinking of which school should I go. Sigh. That bit's tricky.

My first sister. I want to take K.I. but as mentioned, K.I.'s considered a quite advanced subject that few can take- there's usually a selection test and all. My third sister told my first sister that I wanted to take K.I. (my third sister is always telling my first sister things that I wish she would not tell- I mean, I have no issue with her telling but I rather she did not...) and my first sister bluntly said, "I don't think she can take K.I."

That hurt.

Seriously. Fine. More like a, "Oh" reaction though but IT STILL HURT! On one hand, I appreciate the devastating honesty, as painful as it was, but on the other, I felt really hurt and I guess, quite a bit angry (which is unwarranted, really). It's nice to know I can count on others to shove me down too. I've been too used to putting myself down that I realize people do that to other people too.

People kept telling me I'll do well or not bad and I kept retorting to them that I didn't study and explain to them all over again. In the end, they were sort of right and I was being overly paranoid but the point is, people were always the one reassuring me and telling me everything will be fine.

Here, my own sister was telling me that I wasn't good enough. She didn't say it in those words but there was definitely an implication. Definitely. A lot of feeling, "So that's how you really think of me, huh?". I guess that it's to be expected, seeing how I behaved during the period where my exams were going on and the results I obtained.

I've received many congratulations but somehow, some felt forced to me, as though I don't really deserve it, which is the truth. I might be reading too much into her words but I just felt that spark of understanding and hurt, I suppose. A bit of the fact that they never really read my essays or anything before and they don't know what I'm capable of (I sound so powerful but it's all a ruse-) and I feel like I got something to prove but not quite sure what it is at all.

I suppose it's just my pride that refuses to back down. I am a proud person and I can't stand being belittled by others. I just want to prove them wrong. The best way I could do this is get an A for K.I. in A Levels but now, I don't even know whether I can take it.

Oh, well. I should move on. I only brought it up because I felt upset about it. Not about her but just her comment and its implications. Quite the opposite actually, I'm slightly grateful that someone is willing to be frank and realistic with me and really tell me where they think I am.

I recently watched "An Education" and while I didn't particularly love the movie -it was good, I liked it-, it got me thinking more about the purpose of an education. I won't go into details now because I don't feel like it and I'm sleepy. I think education is less about the knowledge and things you learn but how you learn and the person you become because of it.

Everyone knows that what you do in the future is very disconnected to what you learn in school, unless you're studying medicine and becoming a doctor. Those kind, it's granted that you're going to use the knowledge in school. But for people who become firefighters, who become chefs, who become camera men, your career choice requires much more from you than the knowledge you've obtained in school.

I think because of this, I don't think education is necessarily for the knowledge.

Hmm. For me, I think the knowledge is more or less to help you understand the world you are living in better and to give you skills to communicate in it efficiently. An ignorant person and a learned person views the world differently and part of the role of an education is to help you to see the world differently and through other perspectives than that you have known before.

As for the other part, I believe how you treat one thing or perhaps selective things is the way you're going to treat the rest of your life. If you're always serious and very focused, you will be like that in future, with your chosen career. Take every task seriously, even though it might be simple because it's not the task that's what most important but the insights you gained from it.

I really don't want to become a person who just treats things flippantly but it is what I am at the moment. Truthfully.

The people you meet in school prepares you for the people you meet in the world and slowly, you develop yourself as well. Through these people, you learn what you want to become and what you swear you'll never be. Little things like that. They are actually the things that makes an education so valuable. No one said it was about the studies, the grades, the results, the examinations. Those are petty little things that will not matter in time.

However, you are always stuck with yourself and for someone who cared about nothing and flunked all the way, it's going to bite you in the ass one day.

Okay, I'm about done- this post is pretty long already and I'm quite sleepy. My plans for the future. I've been saying a lot in the past but I don't think I can man up and claim them anymore. Sigh. I... Well, for now, I'm just going to get through jc. About working, I'll try one term first and if I think I can handle it, if my schedule is not too hectic, I would do it.

Honestly speaking, I don't think I can handle it and I'm pretty sure I won't do it but one can dream and fantasize. Okay. Being realistic as I can now. Anyway, I wanted to tell my schools (the ones I'm probably filling in on my form) but on a second thought, I don't feel like it. I will tell you when I get into my school.

So.

University. I still want to go overseas but I'm being seriously realistic and I'm positive I won't be able to make it. Be it results, money or whatever. In all aspects. I'm not horrible but I'm not good enough to compete with people from the place itself, let alone other competitors from the rest of the world. I'm probably going to go NUS.

While I want to do something Arts related, I don't think I have any real talent and might not be able to pursue it professionally. (Yes, I'm being crazily realistic now. It's time to man up, I suppose.) Besides, I think a Liberal Arts education would definitely be interesting and I would very much enjoy it. I'm contemplating the possibility of going through two universities but I don't have the money and all. Maybe. You never know. (Not too realistic there but hey, I need some flimsy dreams to keep me by.)

As for the far future... I try not to think about these days, if I can help it.

Career wise and all that, I am pretty much at a blank. Well, not totally. I want to write. That's it. I said it. Writing makes me happy. I love finding the words to draw out the scenes and pictures in my head. The practical aspects of English tire me though. I never learnt in properly in my youth. I just use what sounds right, really. Gah.

Yeah.

That's all.

Here, a quote from one of my stories before, "Shoot for the fucking sun, Nikola. Don't care about the moon or the stars. You're meant for nothing less than the sun, so you better aim straight at it and never settle for anything less."

your heart is crushed and bleeding in the fingers

2012-01-08T23:23:00.002+08:00

But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me.

I was originally going to put something like "I'm going to ITE" as the header but I figure that seems too eloquently and accurately of the state of mind I am in at the present time. Hence, I settled for something somewhat optimistic but sad at the same time. It comes from Calender Girl, a song by Stars and the line I quoted comes directly after "If I am lost for a day, try to find me".

If you didn't see the first part, you would have thought it was a kind of positive outlook but actually, no.

The protagonist, (that is what I shall call the character or persona in the song) by speaking the second line, is actually saying that she would abandon her life before she got lost if no one manages to find her when she is lost. While there is some sort of underlying coldness and hardness to the statement, there is a sadness and determination to it as well. You can tell she's strong because she's willing to move on but yet, she stills hopes for someone to come and find her so that she would not have to make that difficult decision.

That's exactly how I feel at the moment.

I am preparing myself for the worst. After all, that's all I've been doing these days. It's all I want to do- dash my hopes so they would not rise into expectations and then later, crash and burn into disappointment. I've gone through that a few times but nothing so drastic or life changing but still, I was bitter as they crashed.

Yet, within me, there is this small, lone figure who stand strong despite all the pressure and strength I'm practically piling and choking on it to make it fall. That very figure is the desire for good results, the hope that by some chance or luck or odd coincidence, I did well. That I did well enough to stun even myself.

That is why I'm really afraid of tomorrow. Because I still have that hope.

With that hope, my bad results will hit me all the harder and I will not break down in the hall filled with so many people. I just won't. I promised myself I won't cry over my results. (Actually, that was spoken from off the top of my head but now I said it, I will do it- not cry over my results.) It's true that there is nothing to be done about it any longer but what the brain knows, the body doesn't acknowledge until it hits, figuratively.

I've been putting this post off for very long now, probably because it's daunting to solidify your fears and thoughts, at least, in a way that is almost tangible. My fingers shake lightly as I suspend then in the air between the pauses while typing, as though quivering from the weight of the words I am typing down. I breathe out my breaths in sighs, as though preparing myself for a lifetime of sighs and missed chances.

Tomorrow is judgement day, I suppose, for me. Time has finally come to deal fate's blow. It's none too dramatic but drama adds a flair to reality, to make it almost surreal and dream-like. Oh... I don't exactly know what to feel but that hope, oh that hope, it's going to be the end of me. I just know it.

I...

If there's a question you would ask yourself now at this point in your life, what would it be? Well, it could be something like, "Why didn't you study harder?" or "Do you think you can continue living this way forever?" or "Why are you so hung up about yourself?". What would your question be to yourself?

For me, I'm pretty sure it's "Why do you make promises you cannot keep?".

It has always been that. I don't regret the not studying bit, I regret the part where I promised over and over to change but I never did. It's something about disappointing yourself- that part's easy. You do it every now and then. Because, I believe, you should be harder on yourself than anyone else in the world. If you want to compete with someone, then do it with yourself because there would never be a tougher opponent to beat. To keep besting yourself, to keep being better than who you were, that has to take much effort and courage to execute.

I'm so afraid of disappointing other people. The people who believe in me, the people who believe I could do it. I'm so frightened of being a disappointment to the people who love me, the one who wished me well and hoped I did well. I can disappoint myself- there's nothing new in that. But disappointing so many others in one shot? That's going to be a knife through my heart.

No, I won't kill myself. By now, it's more of a mantra than a conviction. Only the thought of being the ultimate coward, even in death, halts me always. I would like death because it seems such an easy way out. Nothingness awaits. What more could be more appealing?

I won't be a coward, I will stay and face it like the idiot I was.

Sigh. That hope is really going to be the death of me. I can tell. I know it. I really can feel it.

I saw something on tumblr. It said, "Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday". Perhaps I would feel this way tomorrow. I never know. However, I think I need to start dealing with consequences and mistakes. We all make them but not all of us face them. I've been running a long time now. So... yeah.

Oh, that hope.

I'm really worried about it.

I don't want to cry and be a common classic "don't do" story!

Sigh.

So that's it.

D for Disappointment.

For the record though, I didn't regret not studying. You might think I'm just saying it and well, it's true- to some extent, I am saying it just so I won't dwell and be depressed about it because it's all done and I can change nothing. However, I think if I were to do it again, I would do exactly what I did in a heartbeat. I'll not study again, I'll play and continue to do so. Therefore, I'm not sorry even though I'm inwardly repentant. Much like Okonkwo, really. You can tell the words on the banner and the description changed. They're from "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead", by Stars also but mainly, that one line struck me as golden and I wanted to change it to exactly that.

Yup. This is really the end now.

nothing, really.

2012-01-01T01:29:00.000+08:00

Just looking for some answers in a world that answers none of them at all.

Wow, I can scarcely believe that it's already a brand new year. Sigh. The last post was pretty reminiscent of my past days, when I was overly dramatic and definitely a worse person to be around. I wanted to make that post since the moment I sighed and no one knew what I was actually sighing about. That was when I realized there might possibly be no one who is privy to my inner workings.

Well, that and that there might be no one who will ever really know the things I think. Not in the way that relates to my interests and what comes to mind. For that, my sister and I are pretty much on the same wavelength at all times.

No, I'm talking about the snide, bitter and almost scorning comments and opinions I have sometimes that seems to be lethal outside my mind, so I keep them to myself. I really think that "If you have nothing good to say, then better keep your trap shut" is one the things I live by. Except when I'm really emotional (i.e. extremely pissed off/feeling terribly unjustified, etc) and my mouth goes all potty without my permission.

Moving on.

Talking about New Year Resolutions... I don't have any. At least, nothing comes to mind at all. Maybe do well in my studies. I don't know. I guess with the post prior to my trip, I'm really quite happy at the moment and I don't see a need to complicate things for myself and compromise the tranquility I seem to have at the moment.

I'm probably just going to take things as they come and wade through all the muck that gets thrown my way this year. I get a feeling that this year will be eventful, to say the least. Maybe not thrilling or even remotely interesting but packed with things heady enough to cause a disaster. That'll be pretty fun, actually.

Welcomed the new year watching Running Man. What's new, huh?

I just watched two Emma Stone movies in a row just this afternoon. "Crazy, Stupid, Love" was first, followed by "Easy A". I think they're not too bad. I enjoyed certain things about each movie but I'm not really a giant fan of both, like some people seem to be. I feel like doing chick flicks, so I'm watching them all at once...

Don't really feel like blogging at the moment- might do a post on Batam another day? Or I might not. Depends. Going ahead to watch "Friends With Benefits" although it might be rated. Seems like a somewhat interesting movie- beyond the sex, anyway. Okay, it's M18. Well. It's just two years. It's nothing I haven't seen before, anyway. (I mean, there's probably not going to be full frontal nudity and who hasn't seen a man's/woman's thighs and all that? I've definitely seen boobs before.)

Ah. I was thinking about making a post about whether a female and male can have a platonic relationship. I don't think it's impossible but I do feel it's more likely that people who will not be attracted to each other for whatever reasons can maintain one. If you're both single and same age with same interests... That kind? Well, it might not be completely platonic. I didn't say it's anything remotely close to romantic but I'm pretty sure one of the pair thought of a possibility of a relationship or what not.

Even for a split second. That counts. Or something like being physically attracted to the other's looks or body. Yeah, I get that there's this argument that sometimes, despite being of different genders and straight, people don't get attracted to each over for whatever reasons. That does happen too. Ah, well. My stand is still that it's not completely platonic between some people though...

Okay.

I'll end on this note- recently on tumblr, I saw this post that made me pause and I felt that it's perfect for me. It's a picture which has these words, "I won't worry anymore. There's still time for things to change" Yeap. Golden words, I would say. Really says all that I need to hear.

That's all.

clawing and tearing; bleeding and dying

2011-12-31T00:00:00.000+08:00

It's a small crime and you've got no excuse.

I fucking hate feeling like I've been made use of.

That's all.

(Note: The original lyrics, from 9 Crimes by Damian Rice goes, "It's a small crime and I've got no excuse" but "you've" fits the context so much better, so I altered it.)

overflowing and gushing

2011-12-27T06:39:00.000+08:00

Live through this and you won't look back.

Alright. I'll start off by saying it's 5 a.m. in the morning and I haven't slept yet. To top it off, I'm leaving for Batam at around 8 a.m. and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get much sleep, if I get any at all. You see, I just had to finish up a story- I was determined to do so for some odd, inconceivable reason. Doing so, staying up late, makes me feel almost like a kid once more.

Well, it does make me feel terribly like I'm misbehaving. For some reason, that amuses me somewhat... Anyway, I'm pretty sure due to the fact that I need quite a bit of time to string my thoughts into a coherent mess, I'll probably take long to do up this post.

First things first. Happy Christmas and Merry Holidays! Yes, I'm definitely under the influence of Nigahiga, that awesome fellow. My Christmas day was delightfully bland. I'm not the least bit religious, so it was more of an excuse to have a feast and be with my family. (Well, most of them, anyway.) I didn't give any presents and I didn't get any. The meal was good- I was roped into being a kitchen helper.

Not that I minded at all but you probably couldn't tell from my reluctance to be there. I enjoyed it, actually. Squatting and peeling potatoes, washing vegetables, etc, those are pretty easy things to do and no hassle at all. My second sister definitely did most of the work, although my contributions are nothing to snort at. Small but useful in some way or another.

Dinner and a Running Man marathon with my siblings and my first sister's boyfriend pretty much sums up my Christmas. It was wonderful. Truthfully. I never say it aloud but I really love it when my family (my siblings and I, really) come together to enjoy a holiday or the big days of the year. (For instance, National Day, Christmas....)

Okay. That's just the start and the most irreverent part of the whole post. Seriously. I'm wondering how to begin this and how to link them all. Alright, I'll start with something shocking to me, then the story I read and go on to talk about myself. Yes, if you haven't noticed already, everything revolves around me. Not in a totally egoistic and self-centered way but I tend to relate things to my life in order to make them more coherent to me. Fine, I might be egoistic and self-centered after all...

To start off, I tell you about a post I saw on tumblr. It really made me sad- it was a compilation of tweets from various people. I'm pretty sure they're teenagers and all of them are whining and complaining about not having an Iphone and in turn, bitching about their parents, calling them names and threatening to throw a tantrum or ruin Christmas.

I can't tell you exactly how I felt when I saw that. It was really just a disappointed and heart broken "Oh..." from me and I felt like I just sunk.

Honestly? I don't think not having an Iphone gives you any right to bitch about your parents and call them names that are pretty degrading, in my opinion. It was just painful to look at. Although Christmas is the season for giving, you should be appreciative of what you have and be grateful to your parents. Just seeing people have the audacity to act like this makes me feel so sad. Like WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO-?

Okay, most people might not have the same sentiments as me and I know having an Iphone is probably no big deal to a large majority of people I know and people who can/are reading this at the moment. Large majority, I said, but not all. However, I just felt so disgusted that people act like that over a electronic device, going so far to diss the people who brought you up and who paid for all your expenses since your birth. You can argue that it's their right to do so but despite their obligation, you should be grateful of that.

...I should stop harping on this. So that's what I saw and I was feeling a bit disgruntled about it.

WARNING: I am about to talk about pretty sensitive and uncomfortable issues for most people so if it makes you feel weird to read this, you can skip ahead to the end of the warning. Yup.

Moving on. The next thing is the story I forced myself to finish because I felt like it was going to be a good one. I was right. It wasn't exactly spectacular but it was pretty good. I'll give the link over but you don't have to read it because it deals with issues that people usually feel uncomfortable with, including child abuse, male rape, inappropriate sexual relationship between an adult and a child, along with homosexual relationships and others I might have missed out. Those are the most important though.

Breaking The Mirror.

There. Now, you might be wondering why I started on that story in the first place. To be honest, I thought it was just going to be an apartment story. The summary is just this: "SLASH."Go to hell." "Yes, sir" Jayden has a lot of problems, and his new mysterious, bitter neighbor Seaton Andrews isn't helping matters. Completed." Slash just means homosexual, if you don't know.

I just started reading it and Jayden, the protagonist, just pulled me in instantaneously. The stark contrast between how he is in his head and how he acts? It immediately drew me in and sucked me in. I've read stories like these before that deals with topics like these and to an extent, it makes me think about these issues more deeply when I read these stories. Stuff like child abuse and male rape are not things new to me, really. The internet did a lot more than give me a decent sex education. It thought me a lot about things I would not have known about had it not been for its existence.

Anyway, that's not my main topic of discussion in this post. I don't know enough to say anything about it and I'm not going to try. I don't want to delve in those sensitive areas- not when I'm not sure if I would offend or hurt someone by being mouthy. You can breath a sigh of relief.

END WARNING.

In fact, I wanted to do this post before I even started reading the story but the story only sharpened the slightest blur around the idea in my head and made my perspective that much clearer. Coupled with that are the things my mother says and the affairs (drama) that my family is shrouded in. Well, along with these things are a lot of other little influences that led me to thinking about this, which includes that fact I'm a very polite and well mannered person. (Most of the time.)

My question is this, "What kind of person were you raised up to be?"

Of course, like all trick and rhetorical kind of questions, that's not one you can straight up answer but rather, one you should think about. The start of the person you are today is right when you were born. Slowly, your environment, people and events in your life slowly morphs you into the person you are. There are old Chinese philosophers and what not who believe humans are either born all evil or all good.

For me, I take the stand that when a human is born, he or she is like a blank canvas. Then, as his or her life goes on, that canvas is slowly filled. In some cases, the canvas is torn apart and shredded until there is nothing left. Depending on the situation, the canvas might be pieced back together again, it may be replaced by a new one or perhaps, nothing will be done at all. Sometimes, the canvas is thrown in a fire or burnt without the flames consuming it all- leaving behind an ugly burn and scorch marks or perhaps, just a black, fragile piece. There are so many possibilities that might happen to that canvas. It might even remain blank as a person's life expires before she or he can truly experience it.

Why did I suddenly think of all these?

The other day, I was out with my mother alone. Most of the time, I try not to be stuck with her alone but I'm one of the few that keeps her company. It's not that I hate it or dislike it immensely but my mother's presence can be a bit overbearing at times and she's incredibly annoying. Grates on my nerves like nothing. (I'll definitely make a post about her one day but I'm not up to it yet. Wait until she makes my blood boil.)

My mother infuriates me when she doesn't take responsibility for her duty as a parent. She keeps piling the blame on my father without claiming some of it, which she should since she is almost a parent and should be therefore, be accountable for her children. That day, I was trying to tell her off for making my brother's diet extremely screwed up. It's tough to go into details but he doesn't drink anything but Coke, eats very selectively- nothing he eats is remotely good for his body.

At the rate he is going, he probably won't live to twenty. I say that in all seriousness. It's not something I would joke about.

Anyway, I was trying to tell my mother off when she interrupted me, saying that it's my father's fault (completely typical of that woman, really) but then, unexpectedly, she yielded when I pestered her about the reason my father allowed my brother to drink or eat whatever he wants at such a young age. In fact, it was something that I've been curious about for a while.

My parents don't restrict whatever my siblings and I eat. They give us quite a lot of freedom in that aspect, to be honest, even as children.

For the first time of my life, I realized a hint of my father's intentions in regards to raising us, his children. In my mother's words, he allowed my young brother to drink Coke and let us eat whatever we want because he remembers days from his own childhood, when he salivated over what others had to eat and drink. He does not want his children to suffer the same fate as he did and wants them to have comfort and luxury, without knowing the pain of pining after something. (I added the last bit but I expect that's how he feels.)

In that moment, I found out a few more things and I felt enlightened as well.

My father hates the idea of me going out without money. Whenever he sees that I'm going out, he always questions me, asking if I need more money and on more than one occasion, insisted that I do not go out without any money. From the reason my mother told me, I can sort of see why now. I think my father doesn't want his children to appear bad in anyone's eyes, lest of all, their friends'. Money is a language, in a way, and if you don't speak it (don't have it), you're out of the loop and different from the other people.

This is going longer than I expected and not at all in the direction I really wanted but ah, well. I'll just continue. It's around an hour or so since I first started. Yes. That's how long it took to type all of the above.

Anyway, continuing on, the story I read talked about child abuse and this really affected the protagonist in the story a lot. Now, I have never been abused as a child but I did went through disciplinary action, so as to speak. Some people would claim it's inhumane or that it is child abuse but I think not.

Yes, I've been caned before and in not a gentle manner at all.

The worst time was when I went to a friend's house without permission and on the next day, I had bruises all over my feet and hands. I've been treated physically more than once or twice in my youth. When I was in primary four or around there, my first sister used to intimidate me a lot. Her methods sort of worked but it included a lot of me fearing her and through fear, achieving her aims. Maybe not the best method but effective, all the same. The one I always remembered was when she pressed dumb bells to my cheeks roughly. Enough to hurt, not enough to bruise.

Back then, I would say I was pretty scared of her but at the same time, I was pretty much acting like a brat. Thank goodness I got over that now. In the past, I would make a loud fuss, cry loudly and make a lot of noise. I think I cried so much in those two years (primary four, primary five) that my tears should have all dried up.

....I'm going off topic.

However, I just wanted to say that these didn't affect me permanently and I more or less think of it as all just part of my past and they don't haunt me, I just remember them in the passing. I guess I'm trying to say that you can put bad things behind you. There are tons of people who have it worst and they're probably traumatized by what they went through. I'm not going to try to comprehend or even compare my experiences to them because it'll be disrespectful.

Okay, I'll just continue on by saying who a parent raises his or her child is very much interlinked and closely connected to how he or she was raised as a child, along with the life he or she led.

That's my main point of the day, I think. That people don't often think that these things are related at all. Most teenagers and even adults don't understand the actions of their parents at all but just maybe, they aren't putting enough effort into doing so. For example, I think that a big reason why my father wants to see all his children in university is because he never had the chance or the drive to attend it himself.

That and the fact that getting a degree is good for our future. Things like that, you know?

Maybe people should think more about the reasons to their parent's actions and decisions sometimes. I, sadly enough, do believe that a parent can hate his or her child. I mean, there must be some motive or reasons behind child abuse and what not. I really don't want to start on that at all but sometimes, people are fragile things and just a push breaks them. Just sometimes, there are people who don't know how to deal with that and instead, vents their frustration on something that doesn't deserve it, along with other things.

Yeah?

Never blame yourself if that happens. It pained me so much when I read that child blamed his father for beating him, saying it was all of his fault that his father hit him when that's not the case at all. You should never take responsibility for things that aren't yours to take. Indeed, you should be understanding but being understanding is different from being a doormat and letting people walk all over you. Learn to know the difference yourself. Never be uncomfortable with what you're doing.

I don't know what I'm trying to go on about.

Anyway, back to my question? How was I raised? Well...

I like to believe I was raised right. I won't consider myself a rare thing in this world or anything and in fact, I do have a lot of flaws but for the most part, I truly am happy with the person I am at the moment. My manners are one of the things I'm genuinely proud of and I might not be much of a girly girl but I'm alright. (It's only when I grow up that I realize my father's kind of sexist. Not overly so but enough for me to notice.)

Alright, I think I said all I wanted to say. I know it's a lot and very messy and I'm just blurting them all out but yeah. It's hard to try to link them. I really want to just tell random parts like the story I read and say, the reason for my father allowing us to eat/drink whatever we want.

For the most part, I don't think I left anything out, although I might out about that later on.

To be direct, I think I wanted to say that I am happy with the person I am at the moment- even if I keep saying I have to change, I can't continue being like this, I don't like who I am... Really, it's not a load of bull- it's true that I'm not happy with parts of me but as a whole? I really love whoever I have become. I'm no longer too confused and going on and on about "finding myself" and feeling so lost, sad and helpless.

Wow. These words just come to me as I type and truly, it feels like I'm no longer lost and sad and complaining. It took a few weeks of virtually doing nothing but using the computer and lazing around but somehow, I feel better than the when I started the holidays. Maybe it's time, maybe it's other things but I'm glad that I finally got over that stage.

Oh!

One last thing before I end this crazily long post.

I don't know the value of money enough and I don't appreciate money as much as I should. It's hard when you have a sister who's willing to lent you money whenever you just ask. I'm really grateful and thankful to her but at this rate, I'll end up as the girl with all the credit card debts and living in a modern hell! Haha. I spend money like air. Seriously. Ugh. I definitely need to break out of this bad habit. Ahhhh.

Okay.

One last thing. The new band I'm pretty much completely into is called Never Shout Never and I love their song "Trouble" to bits. I think "On the Brightside" is really, really, really cute. The video, the song! :) The song "Happy" sounds happy, sorry if I'm lame. I like "coffee and cigarettes" too.

I really like this band because their music is so unexpected compared to how the lead singer looks. Sorry for judging one's music by the look of the band/lead singer? Haha. The lead singer made me think that their music will be something like Panic! At The Disco or Fall Out Boys, that kinda music but it's surprisingly mellow and lovely. I love how you can hear the guitar quite nicely and the use of claps sometimes. Surprisingly, I like the vocals even though it might not really be my thing sometimes. I tried a few from "Sleeping With Sirens" but so far, their stuff hasn't stuck with me.

Yeah. Never Shout Never! YEAH!

Haha. I'm pretty much not sleeping, I think.

It's 6.40 now, so I took about one hour forty? Gosh, that's long. Ah, well. This is a long post. Okay.

That's all!

all your confessions

2011-12-25T00:57:00.000+08:00

My head is giving me life or death but I can't choose.

Personally, I don't like one shots that have someone dying. For stories, I can understand when death occurs but when it's a one shot, I just feel like it shouldn't be. Yes, this is rather silly of me but I can't help feeling that way. I feel like just because the story is short, the characters should be spared the agony of angst and pain. Of course, this is pretty much my own preference but after all, life ain't all rainbows and love.

Well. It's probably because the only one shots I have read with death is usually to do with a character (usually, the narrator) being interested in someone whom she (again, usually, it's a she) does not know personally. In the end, something off happens -the guy stays at the cafe for a while longer than he does, he talked to her, etc- and then the next day, he's gone. Dead. Always suicide.

Ah, well. I suppose I'll come across a one shot that doesn't have death placed in such a stereotypical manner one day and probably like it, if it's done decently. However, it is rather obvious that the one shots I really enjoy are the fluffy ones that makes me squeal with all its cheese and gooey-ness.

My sister was saying the other day that within ourselves, we probably have the most ridiculous conversations ever. I agreed readily. There was this one time where I made a comment about the grass and she said, very sarcastically, that maybe the grass actually ran around on the spot, so it doesn't look like they're moving much but actually they're running in their specific spot. (Something like that, anyway.) I was laughing like crazy- the kind where your stomach aches and tears flow out of your eyes. I don't even know what exactly was so funny to me.

Besides that, we usually talk to each other about Running Man or Sherlock or the things we both enjoy and videos. We share opinions a lot and talk about random things all the thing. More often than not, we always start off with, "Did you watch blah blah blah?" and go on to discuss it. Running Man, for instance. We will just keep telling each other which parts we like and laugh as we talk about it.

Just a few days ago, I was having a most ridiculous conversation with my brother.

He was thoroughly convinced french toast is named as such because it was made in France. My second sister bought bread for him on our groceries trip because he said he wanted to make french toast. After that, he confided in me, saying that he wanted to toast the bread and write "French" on it. Finding the idea and him so lame, I told my second sister about it.

She then tried to tell him just because a thing is called a certain name doesn't mean it's made in that country. My brother refused to believe and amended his idea to putting "Made in French" on the toast. He changed it to "Made in France" after I told him French is a language and you can't have anything made in it. My sister tried to use "French Fries" as an example to persuade him to change his misunderstanding but it didn't take with my brother.

After which, my second sister, unable to give up, told him that he can call the toast any name he wants and that it doesn't have to be French. Her argument was that you could call it "Chinese Toast" if you were so inclined.

Now, I am blaming my being in a Chinese school for ten years of my life for the next comment I made that day. (For some reason, people love to tell racist jokes in my school.) Well, that and the fact my third sister likes to make jokes so lame I find my hand meeting my forehead. It's not just her influence, but I do like to blame her for it. I'm not racist. Well, if I am, I like to think I'm not, really. Race doesn't really matter to me and I won't treat anyone differently just because of their skin color. (The first impression is the most important thing to me.)

I hope my comment is excusable, racist as it may sound. I really didn't mean anything by it, it's the first thing that came to mind...

At that point, I turned to my brother and told him he can call brown toast "Indian Toast". To my chagrin, I laughed my head off at my own comment as well. I feel kinda guilty now because while I didn't (don't) have any ill intentions, it's a statement that can easily cause someone to feel offended. I apologize, if any is felt, it was not a jab at one's skin color.

Ugh. I should just get on with it. My second sister thought we were both so lame and then we continued on with talk of skin color in relation to bread. The yellow French Toast can be the skin of the Chinese and my brother thinks that white bread should be albinos but I told him it could be the people in U.K who have pale skin.

Yes, our conversations are that ridiculous. Haha.

Oh, yes. My brother also recounted an incident where he shouted "Jay walker!" when he observed a man jay walking. I laughed my head off at that too. My second sister then lectured him, saying that if he did that to a gangster, he would get beaten up.

Ah, family. I love how crap mine is sometimes, especially between us siblings. I think I was supposed to blog about something less stupid but I can't recall anything like that now. Oh, well.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Not very recently- say, last week? I went out with Tiange and she commented that my eyes looks like tadpoles. Then she went on to add that the end of my eyes look like I applied eyeliner and that my eyes are really long. I then told that that I look like a "slit-ty eyed monster" when I smiled and proceeded to show her exactly what I mean, which had her laughing.

Tiange's eyes are huge when she opens them wide. It's pretty freaky. I laugh every time she tells me her left (it's the left, ain't it?) eye has a double eye lid whereas the right doesn't. Or is it the right? I can't remember at the moment, it's fuzzy in my head! She has quite nice eyes though.

Anyway, I made the mistake of telling my sister about her comment and my sister reminds me of it every time she looks at me now. That and the fact that my lips are quite thick. Rawr!

I used to think my eyes were my worst feature because they're small and squint-y looking. Over the years, I have come to accept my facial features and I no longer think little of my eyes. Funnily, I had some people complimented them before, which I find odd. One of my friends said my eyes were shen (Chinese for "deep") and I didn't get her meaning at all. I remember asking her, "Does that mean someone's eyes can be shallow?" Haha. What a weird person I am.

Some people like my eyes, which I find surprising and always am at a loss of words when someone tells me that.

If I had to choose a feature I don't exactly like now, I'll say it's my nose, that little button-like thing without a visible bridge. Haha. But I won't change how I look because I like it and I don't believe in pursuing perfection in things you cannot alter by will.

Haha. Tadpole eyes. Ahhh.

I'm sorry that I don't blog about things so much these days because I'm either lazy to or I just don't think it's worthy the attention. It's most the former though.

Okay. I'll just mention this in the passing because I don't know what else to say. I went to watch a dance performance last week and one of my friends was in it. The dances were alright, I think I'm not too easily impressed because I've watched quite a bit already. The latest I watched was of Matt Luck, so the contemporary dances in that performance were not up to par. However, I applaud their effort.

The dance I liked the most was the one my friend, Yoke Kay, choreographed but she later told me it was more of a joint effort birthed from improvisation. Apart from the dance itself, it was the symbolic meaning behind the dance that got to me, that quest for being the best, the thirst for being perfect overriding anything else including friendship.

It's so easy to lose sight of the things that are important to you when something blinds your vision and fills you with maddening desire enough to drive you crazy. I especially love this one move where one of them was about to back stab the other only to have the other turn and then halt. It's a series of fluid movements that flowed, collided and meshed beautifully.

Overall, it was a series of fun, up beat performances and definitely worth the fifteen bucks. This post is a little late but here it is!

Alright.

That's all.

2011-12-22T19:02:00.000+08:00

"Grayson's got the ladies lining up 'round the block, you know?"

The man himself laughed lightly and let an easy smile lift his lips, showing no indication of having heard the smallest hint of a snide undertone to Jack Ryan's statement. "Not at all, gentlemen," he replied with a few shakes of the head, "Jack's exaggerating. I'm not that popular with the ladies." The chatter came swiftly to him and was no trouble to maintain at all. Interacting with his colleagues was one of the simplest parts of his job.

Trying to conceal the fact he was a masked vigilante and coming up with appropriate reasons for his disappearance at the worst of times were probably the parts that put him on the edge. Generally, he is pretty good at things like that at this point but he definitely has Jack Ryan on his case. The man was close to his forties and a little on the large side. Dick Grayson supposed the man thought that he was a threat and an obstacle standing in Jack's way to a promotion.

No matter. He, for one, knew that he would never be climbing the status ladder. In fact, the reason he got this job was to experience the trials of a lowly paid cop. Indeed, the lessons he had so far were quite unexpected but pretty enriching, nonetheless. For instance, the stations could do better and upgrade their security system but that was something he had always known. Exploited the fact even.

What surprised him was the fact that there were really some good officers who were perfectly capable of handling small, petty crimes. It was nothing much but still, a start. He had been brought up to think the cops were mostly a useless bunch but he was glad he was more or less proven wrong. Apart from that, it frightened him how strong the morals some of them had.

Jack Ryan might not be an easy fellow to deal with but the man's heart was pure and he joined the force in hopes of making Bludhaven a teeny bit less dirty. These man came plentiful- those that knew that Bludhaven would never be a beauty but still hoping to polish her up a bit, for whatever reasons. Apparently, the man had a family and he wished them to have a safe place. Word was that he refused to move to another city despite the dangers of living in the Haven. (Note: Haven = Bludhaven)

Well, Dick Grayson could admire a man with guts and morals like that. Somewhat stupid and naive but still respectable. Somehow, he suspects that's exactly what Bruce thought of him when he decided to move into the Haven.

"Got to go folks," he called suddenly, "I'm on patrol today, with Gosling, Jacobs and Pierce."

The other three men let out a groan and he only smiled in response. Patrolling was fun to him. It was always an experience to be walking about in the streets in a cop's uniform, looking out for crime and putting a stop to it before it gets worst. After the first or second time, he got over the fact that the citizens of Bludhaven looked down on the force and trusted none of them. Ah, well. He could work with that. The circumstances in which he had to work in were no of no consequence to him as long as he could achieve what he wanted to.

He and Oliver Pierce set off in different directions on foot whereas the other two patrolled in a car. The dark alleys were silent and haunting but they were familiar to him. Granted, he was usually sailing over them with the greatest of ease but a change in scenery was nice once in a while, he supposed. Bludhaven was oddly quiet and his guard was up. Instinct told him that something either already happened or was in the process of happening

The yellow streetlights sent shadows crawling across the gravel and highlighted the dirt and grime covering the brick walls surrounding him. Above him, the moon was a sour yellow and a bitter smile in the black sky. He kept his hand resting on his pistol guard, ready to draw it at a moment's notice. Just then, a message came over his radio. "Back up! Back up! Requesting back up at Baker Street, Block Sixteen, Devil's Pair."

A curse spilled out of his lips immediately as he took to a run. The Devil's Pair were a fairly new duo that specialized in house robbery and they picked the pockets of Bludhaven's finest clean in the first week of their arrival. Dick Grayson was hoping that he could meet them when he was off work. Well, the legal one, anyway. Looks like he will not be able to get the chance to beat them up then.

He was about to reach the destination when he came across a shadow clutching on the wall for support. Unable to continue on, he approached it and upon realizing it was a female, asked, "Are you alright, Ma'am?"

The female, a pretty redhead, looked up at him with her brilliant emerald eyes through her lashes and bit softly on her lower lip. Dick resisted a sudden urge to shallow. "I'm fine..." she mumbled, "But I think I hurt my leg." Then she showed him the blood smeared across her left calf.

"Oh!" he exclaimed in surprise and made a move to examine her leg but she shifted it out of his reach.

Instead, she smiled prettily and looked shyly to the ground. "I'm better now that you're here," she breathed. Dick raised his eyebrows inwardly but kept his smile on. He could see the way she trained her eyes on him, not wanting to give anything again. That meant that there was something to give away.

On a hutch, he looked up to the sky and back down to her before saying, "It looks like it's going to rain, Ma'am, shall I get you to a shelter?" It was enough. He saw the pure panic that blossomed in her eyes for a moment before it calmed when he looked back down at her once more.

"It's okay," she whispered coyly, shifting closer to him and pressing a hand to his chest. "I'm sure I'll be safe with you," she finished off as she brought her hands around his neck and leaned in close, purposely tempting him with her body.

He dropped the polite act immediately and allowed an assured, cocky smile to overtake his face."Hitting on me, miss?" he teased and felt her relax as her little ploy was working her way. In that moment she let down her guard, he grabbed her wrists, ducked out from under her arms, shut them into hand cuffs, turned her around and held her firmly -but not harshly- against the wall.

With swift movements, he disarmed her. At least two guns strapped to her thighs and some other handy tools. He spotted a spray that looked familiar- it was a hard substance that Bruce came across a while back, not quite enough to kill you or harm you permanently but enough to intoxicate you and make you forget anything from a day before. Something like alcohol but one with certain effects. So that's why they weren't caught yet.

Her soft curses reached his ears and Dick was sure she was from out of town from the language she was speaking. German, probably, but been living in America for quite a while to not have a noticeable accent. He made sure not to let her go or ease his guard down. This woman was one who had gotten away four or five times from crimes that were pretty remarkable for a beginner.

Finally, the person he had been waiting for dropped just right beside him.

A grin immediately spread across his face. "Boy Wonder!" he cried joyously, "Whatever brings you to Bludhaven?"

"Well, Officer Grayson," Robin crooned, saying it with a mock flourish, "I was here on business. Wiped out a crime organisation doing drug deals- chased them all the way from Gotham. Dropped them in front of the station. The men in the place got a shock." The boy, just more than a teenager, laughed at the memory and smiled. "Had some free time afterwards, figured I'll help out an old pal in his city. How did you know?"

"I saw your shadow when I looked up," Dick Grayson replied with a smile.

"Alright, I should be off. I'm going to meet that old pal of mine, hopefully convince him to take a trip with me back to Gotham for a bit."

"You do that," he said gravely with a nod.

As Robin left and he started to lead the woman to the station, she asked, "Do you two know each other?" He offered a slight smile in response. Not giving up, she tried again, "How did you figure out? I did the same trick on four other people and they did not even notice. Fell for it every single time."

With a grunt, he humored her, "The blood was the first thing that rang the alarms. It was too fake and not dripping at all, which is impossible from a fresh wound enough to have that amount of blood. Besides, I could not see any wound from which it came from.The fact you moved it away from me is highly suspicious. Then it was your expression. It was too carefully controlled and mastered carefully but you practice them like some sort of formula or equation, which makes it just a bit off. Also, I could see the slight outline of the guns under your dress. There are other things to say but I'll leave them."

She was silent as he dragged her along. "Oh," he said suddenly and she turned to him, a reproachful air in her expression, "I forgot the most important thing. I don't slack on the job. Maybe you could have gotten away with it with someone else but that person isn't me. Tough luck, maybe you'll do better next time, if there is one."

Dropping her off at the station, he chanced across Jack as he was about to leave. "Hey!" Dick called and the man turned, a very mere indication of wariness in his eyes. He reached up to speak into the man's ear softly, "I'm not threat to your promotion." Briefly, he admired the look of surprise on in the man's face and how his eyes widened before he continued, "I know you have a family to feed. I'll deny the offer if I am chosen."

Dick gave the man a small, sincere smile before leaving. The look of gratitude on the man's face was heartening. Jack Ryan had a third child on the way and the job he chose did not nearly pay enough to raise his children properly. Dick was many things but he was not one to take what that belongs to another rightfully.

"Ever the good Samaritan, eh?" a voice teased.

"You know me, always the boy scout," Dick joked right back before sobering, "I'm just doing what's right and getting him off my back at the same time."

"Come on, we'll get back in time for supper."

"Supper, huh? Anyway, "old pal"? Getting a little arrogant there for a boy who's not even twenty."

"Shut up, old man. At least I'm not reaching my thirties. "

"I'm still a long way off. What did you take here?"

"...The jet."

"Sweet."

"Don't tell Bruce."

"Sure."

medley of randomness

2011-12-21T00:23:00.000+08:00

You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet.

I have no interest in knowing what the lyrics are talking about but "Pumped Up Kicks" is a pretty good listen. Didn't even watch the video. Just never got about to it after listening to it so many times. Oh, well. I heard Kingsley did a video and I will be watching it shortly.

Out of all the youtubers, I follow Nigahiga devoutly and I think that both Nigahiga and Kingsley do very good rants in which they make accurate, convincing points. The latter's a bit vulgar but it's all a matter of his expression. I don't really like Kevjumba but he's okay, I suppose. I tried watching RayWilliamJohnson but I don't really like his style...

Been actively trying to master the guitar. Ugh. It's hard but it's quite fun too. I start out ignorant and completely clueless but after a while, I get a hang of whatever that's being taught to me through videos and all. The progress is quite notable, so it spurs me on even more. I can't do much at all at the moment though. I know how to play short versions of "Ode to Joy" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"? Haha.

After a few failed attempts of trying to play "Wonderwall", I decided to start out smaller before going on to things like that. Ugh. No point trying to ruin a beloved song with my amateur self. I decided to tackle the theory aspect of music and the guitar and learning notes before going to chords and all that.

Honestly, my ultimate goal is to be able to play like Miyavi. Okay, not exactly like him but to develop a cool style of playing the guitar that's mine, so I really want to know about it from all angles and not just to play chords and be contented to learn songs. Admittedly, I'm not so deluded that I think I would be able to write my own songs next time but I definitely would want to understand more about than just chords and playing.

Well, you know how they say that at this time and age, nothing is ever original anymore but one can dream. Ah! Apparently, Miyavi plays his guitar like how someone would play a bass? And that he does a lot of slapping, whatever that may be. (I am still a baby chick with all its fluff in array.)

I've been thinking a bit about the pieces I tend to write recently and the lack of names.

In my opinion, a name gives a person or a character or anything, really, a more concrete identity and allows you to have a firmer grasp on it. With a name, you can associate the person's qualities, behavior, etc to that name and as a result, you can have something to recognize the person with, apart from the name itself. It works both ways. You can have a name or the person first and use either to make a more impactful and lasting impression in your head.

For instance, if you know the person before his or her name and then when you get to know his or her name, you'll be like, "Ah..." and relate all you know about the person to the name. If you know the name before the person, all you will have is a vague, shadowy idea of the person in your head and afterwards, this will be filled with all the information you start to know about the person and the shadowy figure will get clearer and more defined in your head.

I guess one of my reasons for keeping the name separate from the characters is to give them an air of mystery and not to be just characters. These stories are things that someone, somewhere can relate to, be it only parts and snippets from the entire prose. Perhaps my intentions were to allow them to link themselves with the characters more without thinking themselves of that character himself or herself.

Another reason is that I wanted the readers to concentrate on the events of the story rather than the characters themselves. Take my latest one, for instance. I wanted the readers to focus on the fact that the younger brother cut himself and how it affected the older brother rather than the younger brother himself. I wasn't concerned about how the younger brother is a brat, etc, and how the older brother is actually slightly insecure but instead, I was trying to show you their actions and how it brought on grudges and unsolved problems.

Uh. Hope that made sense?

So! Moving on. Been craving to write fan fiction recently but I'm too lazy to. Well, it's not as if anyone would understand me or know the characters, anyway. Truthfully, I just want a piece that concentrates on the characters instead of the plot and the description. Oddly enough, despite citing characterization, character development, etc as my favorite part of stories and prose, I'm quite bad at doing good characters. Really.

Yup.

I was thinking of a guitar name but I couldn't really come up with the perfect one. For a moment, I was thinking "Cadfael", named after a demon in a story I read. I didn't particularly like the character but the name was nice. Then, I realized it was a name of a monk made popular by some series or something. I don't want to have my guitar to have a name commonly associated with a monk!

Haha. After seeing the names people give their guitars when browsing through Google, I can't help but feel that I'm taking this way too seriously but my guitar is a beauty and my baby, so I want it to have a nice name that I love. (Yeah, I'm definitely one of those annoyingly possessive people that goes, "Mine! Mine! MINE! MINE!" when it comes to their things.)

Originally, I was thinking of "Boston" but that seems too cliche and I don't really want my guitar to have the name of a song. It seems like it's cheating when it plays other songs. Then I thought of calling it a word but eh, I can't find any words I like or I think would suit it...

I'm waiting for the "THIS IS IT!" name. Hahaha.

My guitar really is a beauty, if I may say so myself. I remember I used the word "good-looking" to describe it at first and my sister was completely going, "What's wrong with you? Are you high? Get a grip." through her face expressions and dead-pan tone. The wood smell from it is still fairly strong and I love inhaling it.

I sound like some drug addict. Ah, well...

Alright.

Tired. Been torturing my fingers since morning till now. With the guitar and writing and what not.

Going to go on Tumblr before heading to bed. Going to my friend's house to learn more about the basics of playing the guitar and what not!

That's all.

weave into nothing

2011-12-19T09:42:00.000+08:00

Everything will be fine.

Ugh. I'm irritated because there's this idea for a prose that's floating around in my head but I can't seem to think about it enough to give it a solid form. It has to do with the sea, breathing and losing all of one's memories. Some of it is definitely inspired by Inception, the movie. Specifically, the scene where Dom wakes up on the beach, in limbo.

I can't seem to get a clear idea for it and it's making me slightly irritated. I mean, I could do a descriptive but that's not much fun? Then again, I don't want to do a narrative because the last piece reminded me of how bad I am at telling a story. So, it'll probably be a mix of the two but I don't have either part sorted out yet.

Lately, all my writings do not mention names at all and are often quite vague...? Ah, well. I shouldn't stick only to one style of writing and be adventurous! This style comes easily though. I find that generally, I do enjoy writing from the second perspective, although I don't favor reading it. Hmm. Perhaps it's because those I've read aren't too good...

Crap.

I like the rain and generally, I love gray days but it's been raining so much recently that everything is just wet an dreary. Ugh! To much, too much! I like rain but in moderation. It's definitely been raining too much and it's kind of irritating? I don't like bringing umbrellas out, so it's a bother to me when it starts raining. Haha. Yeah! Everything is about me!

I'm hungry and sleepy, the worst combination. Sigh.

Oh! Surprisingly, I quite like the taste of dark chocolate. I think I used to hate it? Now that I'm a bit older, I realized I'm okay or that I like things I used to hate or dislike. Especially when it comes to food. However, I feel that I haven't really eaten the ones with really high percentages of cocoa. It's all still moderately sweet, so it's okay. I have an extraordinary sweet tooth though. Yup.

Alright. I want to sleep soon. Going to finish my manga and head to bed.

See you.

purposes and reasons

2011-12-19T07:05:00.000+08:00

Hold your own, know your name and go your own way.

I don't really like to put things into words sometimes. For some reason, I feel like it's tainting the thing, like making a cheap imitation of a master piece. However, I wanted to try my hand at describing what music makes me feel and why I feel that music is one way or another, essential in my life. It's too not like me- I would just say go ahead and feel it without thinking about what it does to you. Hell, I'll say don't think at all. (People think too much about reasons, purposes and all that too much sometimes...)

For writing purposes, let me try to get this down. It's good to challenge yourself to things you adamantly convince yourself you cannot do.

As a starter, let me tell you why I read romance stories. I read romance stories as a way of living vicariously through other people and hoping that someday, what they have will be something I have. It's like exploring the endless possibilities of the future and seeing the lives of so many (fictional but still realistic, believable) in a world of words. To me, it's really enjoyable.

Reading is another matter but not quite different. I read books to discover parts of myself I don't know about or did not acknowledge before. There are characters I can associate with and they are the ones in which whom I find pieces of myself when they carry on on their journeys and I learn as they do. Other than that, I discover new worlds and go to places that only imagination and pages of words can bring to me. Fantasy is my favorite genre, that much is obvious, but I do need to read more... Eventually.

I never really contemplated my reason for reading comics but I suppose it's partly for the art. Then there is the characters. I think for comics, I actually care more about the characters, character development and the little nuances and knacks they have. (Okay, wait, I think that's the same for reading too...) The plot doesn't matter that much to me at times, I suppose. I have this habit of analyzing the characters and dissecting them in my head.

Ooh, this post is kind of boring. Haha.

Alright, I'll come clean and get right into it. I'm not really a music person. Back in my younger years, I used to think music is my life and everything but as I grew older, I realized that nothing was. (How sad. Pfft.) I couldn't tell you the attachment and attraction I have to music then because I don't remember. It's true.

I was a silly kid. I think I used to think that my voice is actually good when it's far from that. Funnily, now that when I realize my voice is just average, I think I improved much from those times. Haha. Perhaps the shrink in my ego and the spike in the lack of self confidence actually aspires more improvement. Who knows?

Now that I am a little older, I won't say that music is my everything but it's certain that I can't live without music. In fact, a lot of people can't, no matter what music they favor. People do things for a reason and more often than not, they're not the same from person to person.

I listen to music because I want to find something I can relate to at the moment I am in and something that matches the mood I am in. Or, sometimes, I listen to music to make myself feel just a bit better when I'm down. Right now, "Details in the Fabric" is hitting all the right spots and pulling on my heartstrings hard. The lyrics, the vocals and the guitar- the combination is lethal to me.

Ugh. I feel like I can't put this in a non cheesy way.

Music makes me feel like I'm someone else. When I listen to certain music at a certain moment or when I'm in a certain mood, I can lose myself in it and let it consume me. Then, for a short, blissful moment, I am offered an illusion of the person I can become or the person I pretend myself not to be or the person I wish I could be. Personally, music is a very selfish thing to me and I definitely listen to music for myself. Arguably, I enjoy the music but the songs that really stick to me are those that I can keep by for whatever reason.

Music does give me hope. It lets me forgot things for a while and lose everything I am fretting about, whatever I hate and it just washes away the bad things and leave me there. It's like cleansing, I suppose.

Hmm.

I'm sleepy. Will sleep soon.

That's all.

I didn't do it justice but it'll do, for now.

stolen words

2011-12-19T05:49:00.000+08:00

The man in the mirror seemed like a stranger to him. He barely resisted the urge to smash it and blinked hard to affirm the reflection was his. The rebellious years of his teenage self was indeed, right behind him and he felt as though he could slip into them once more, like putting on a second skin that molded to him perfectly. The hair atop his head eschewed the messy mop he created by swiping his hand carelessly over his raven locks and took on a rigid form instead. It was combed back and the look tacked a few more years behind his normal disheveled appearance, along with arming his reflection with a professionalism that he did not have.

Black was a color he wore almost in an obsessive fashion but the suit he donned that day was dove gray and it was curiously light to him. His slender build seemed made for it and he did cut a fine figure with all the sharp edges and tapered trousers. The tie around his collar was black and pulled up all the way, a first he felt uncomfortable in acknowledging.

"Are you ready?" a deep, gruff voice called from the door and he turned, feeling the stiff leather his feet were encased in struggle with his sudden movement.

With a soft sigh, he shot his older brother a small smile and lifted his shoulders just a fraction. "I feel so odd," he confessed with another sigh. His older brother did not reply but responded with a slight, almost hesitant smile but he could see the pride shining in his brother's eyes. The phantom pain flashed briefly on his thighs and his fists clenched at his sides.

Forcing errant thoughts away, he proceeded to follow his brother.

----

"It seemed like that went well," his brother spoke and he paused before quickly shoving a piece of raw salmon into his mouth before it fell off the wooden appendages he was gripping them with. Across him, his brother was holding them precisely and eating his salmon gracefully. A spike of jealousy rose in him but he shoved it down, silently cursing himself for having a craving for Japanese food at that moment.

Instead of agreeing, he made a non-committal noise and concentrated on eating without making too much a fool of himself.

Both of them turned their attention back to their food at his response and polished off the remaining food on their table. Surprisingly, his quiet brother was the one to break the silence once more and a small feeling of suspicion wriggled its way into his head.

His brother fixed on him with those dark brown eyes of his and said, "I'm glad you didn't become the drunkard."

Immediately, he knew what his brother was talking about but his eyes narrowed and he hissed harshly, "Why are you telling me this now? Why are you speaking? Aren't you the one that shrouded both of us in silence?"

For an instance, his brother was taken aback and his eyes widened just a bit. He could count on a single hand how many times he had seen his brother with his emotions so plain on his face. A split second later, the cool expression was schooled back onto his face and his eyes hardened considerably. "I may not have spoken then," his brother bit out with a growl to his voice,"but you were the one who started it, if you're looking to point fingers at who's to blame more."

The two brothers glared in a silent battle, unwilling to back down to the other and mentally sizing each other up, wondering if the battle was worth the win. Finally, the older sighed and slumped almost imperceptibly. His eyes dropped to the table but he was not looking at the object itself. "I didn't know what to say," he murmured softly and there was no gruffness in his voice, only wistfulness and a dash of regret.

"You could have said anything," he replied stiffly, drowning the hot sake he ordered despite the fact it was only noon. However, he had no other engagements for the day and he wanted to celebrate the first interview he had gone through.

"Whatever I said, it would have made no difference," his brother replied in that infuriatingly soft tone of his. He was so used to his brother's silence that every word the other uttered was like a jagged shard of glass that cut into him, plunging deep into old wounds and letting them bleed once more. The wounds had healed but sometimes, he could still feel the pain even though he was sure it was only a product of his imagination and those bitter memories.

His fingernails dug into the flesh of his palm as he clenched his fists tightly, not wanting to lose his temper and go on a rampage like he used to do. Rage helped him forget for a moment but everything came back to him twice as hard after that and his anger only left destruction in its wake. Taking deep, controlled breaths, he stopped himself from sweeping all the dishes from the table to allow them to crash and shatter on the ground. He fought the instinct to leap over the table to throw a punch at his brother and beat the fellow up.

There were a lot of things his brother bested him but fighting was always his thing.

"You needed to snap out of it yourself, anything I said would have done nothing," his brother reaffirmed.

"You could have tried," he snapped bitterly. He briefly tried to stop his tirade but he decided it was not worth the effort. "You could have tried to save me from the abyss I was falling into. We were going through the same things but you never indicated your feelings about the matter. Okay, on hindsight, I was acting like a brat and playing the victim card but you could have slapped me or done something to him that made me stop. I did things to get your attention, being the kind of person I was. It was my way of coping and it was clearly unhealthy. I didn't want you to clean up after me only, I wanted you to heal me. You could have-" He faltered and brought his head onto his hands, his elbows resting on the table.

There was only silence and he let his hands drop, bringing his head up, ready for another battle. Then he saw his brother's face.

Twin tear tracks were slowly making their way down his cheeks. His eyes were still fixed on the table but they were swimming with tears and filled with so many emotions. The tears dripped off his jaw onto the table, making little splashes as they landed onto the table. "Do you know what it felt like?' his brother croaked slowly, "The first time I found you, it was like my heart was ripped from my chest and shredded before the bits were stomped on and thrown into a fire."

His brother's eyes found his and he simply stared into their depths. The tears were still steadily pushing out of his eyes, as though free from years of containment. "The first time I found you," his brother repeated but choked on his words and muffled a sob before continuing, "there was blood everywhere. I was so scared. I thought you tried to kill yourself. When I found out you were cutting yourself, I felt so much more pain. You were so hurt emotionally, mentally that you needed to distract yourself from that pain. And I didn't know how to help you or what to say. I was so afraid I'll make everything worse, I was so scared I would be another source of pain to you. I was so cowardly but I couldn't stand you hating me too. Even more than that, I was so frightened that you would finally decide to kill yourself or that one day, you'll go too far and die from blood loss. You might live in fear of father but I lived in fear of losing you. You are the only family I have."

"I'm sorry," he mumbled as he felt a tear of his own slid from his eye.

"Took the words right from my mouth," his brother spoke normally in his deep, rough voice and chuckled as he wiped the tears from his eyes roughly. "Look at us," he continued in jest, "anyone looking would think we're a couple who just broke up or something."

Unable to hold back laughter, he commented jokingly, "Sure. Just two guys crying over lunch. It's nothing to stare at, certainly."

The smile on his face was shared by one on his brother's and it felt good. It took an effort to keep the smile on his face when he spoke once more. "The scars will always be there," he sighed slowly, "lines upon lines drawn across my thighs." The gleeful smile he had on took on a sad twinge and slowly faded as he sighed once more.

"Someone once told me that a sigh makes a fairy die," his brother said idly and laughed at the incredulous look the comment elicited. "It's okay," his brother said with a gentleness that warmed him, "you can think them of battle scars. After all, you did get pass that stage, whatever you want to call it. They are a part of what makes you who you are now."

"I am thankful," he cleared his throat in embarrassment, "of all the things you've done for me. The interview, getting me clean, everything. I know I've been selfish before but I'll try to behave now. Thank you for everything."

"No problem," his brother replied and waved the waiter over to pay the bill with a credit card.

The restaurant was quite empty despite the fact it was lunch hour and he knew that it was probably an expensive place. They had spoken in hushed tones and had not disrupted the peace of the restaurant. However, the waiter did cast an odd look at his brother's slightly swollen and red eyes but took the card without a word and went off to do his job.

He missed the cool air-conditioning of the restaurant the moment he settled into the stifling heat outside. Withholding a curse, he asked his brother, "How can you stand to wear this every day?" He tugged his dress shirt to indicate what he was talking about but his brother only smiled.

"You'll get used to it," he replied breezily.

Then he remembered a moment back at the restaurant, before he got to the better of himself. "You were talking about that old story, weren't you?" he questioned.

After a pause, his brother had a look of understanding on his face and said, "You remember that story, don't you? Mama used to tell it to us. Two brothers who had a drunkard for a father. One of them grows up to be successful while the other becomes a drunkard. Their reason is the same, they both said, "It's because my father is a drunkard." Do you know why I said I'm glad you didn't become the drunkard?"

"Why? I don't exactly get what you're trying to imply."

"I always thought that story was silly for having two extremes but I realize now what Mama was trying to tell us. In your life, you make your own decisions and you can choose the person you are to be. You might not be able to change your background, your past, your parents and things like that but you can change your present and your future. I always thought the drunkard brother might one day become successful too, and somehow, I felt like you made that true for me."

"You're too optimistic."

"Am I? I simply like to think the best, I suppose."

"Thank you."

"No problem. What are big brothers for?"

I liked this, been thinking of it for a while and it didn't really go in the direction I wanted but okay. I mean, I personally don't like these type of stories but I'm okay with writing them. Odd, huh? Anyway, for the last part, I wanted to say that I implied it but didn't really say it- the older brother really believed his younger brother will make it through. Yeap.

midnight

2011-12-19T03:25:00.000+08:00

"Wait."

He could feel her pulse beating steadily in her slender wrist, his large fingers dwarfing her small hand even more as they clasped around it. Her hesitation was clearly visible and he could see it from the way she froze and how her fingers that were trapped within his hand tightened briefly. A breath passed and without warning, her back still to him, she yanked her hand out of his grasp.

Instinctively, his hand came up to curl around her hand once more and he held back a jolt of amusement at the soft noise of frustration she made. This time, she simply turned and fixed him with a blank look. Her black eyes were glassy and shone in the moonlight flitting through the windows. The breath he took in was ragged and he found himself searching for words to break the silence that had taken up residence in the room.

Just as he was about to say anything, her hand slowly came up to his cheek. Struggling to take deep, even breaths, he watched her hand from the corner of his eye, noting that his hand is still around her wrist. Her fingertips trailed lightly down the curve of his cheek and it was so slight that it seemed to him as though he imagined it, had he not been watching her movement.

Tenderly, he pressed a kiss into the palm of her open hand and sighed softly, blissfully. His eyes shot to hers and he finally uttered the words he wanted to say since he first met her.

"Don't go."

Not pleased with this but it was drifting in my head. I would say it's a mini sequel of one of my favorite stories but eh, it's not good enough for that lovely work. I realize my work is mostly descriptive, without any real plot. Haha. Oops. Oh, well. I just wanted to blabber about the "Wait" moment. I think it's one of my favorites. Especially the wrist grabbing part. Ahhh. By the way, I think "dispel" is the wrong word to use for silence because you can't exactly dispel silence, if you read the definition of it from the dictionary. Hmm. Too lazy to find the correct word though..

got to have the last word

2011-12-18T02:22:00.000+08:00

Details In The Fabric.

Falling in love with that song again. It's the songs like these that spurred me onto buy a guitar and be determined to go on to master it. The sound is so, so, so beautiful. Ugh. I am so unskilled for my guitar at the moment. I must live up to it!

Alright. That's it.

take a rip

2011-12-17T22:44:00.000+08:00

I heard that your dreams came true.

It's so odd that when I finally quote something from "Someone Like You", it's one of the lines that I didn't think spoke to me. However, it is still a pretty line, I suppose. One of my favorite lines in the song is "Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made". In fact, that line has more relevance to the rest of my post but I figured that the line I quoted fits.

So.

I got my guitar. It cost a bomb but I'm going to make it worth it. The moment I knew that I was going to buy a guitar, I was quite sure I only wanted one to last me through, that's why I was willing to take the risk. I don't really want to keep upgrading and having random guitars in my house. You can call them excuses (hell, I call them that in the privacy of my own head) but fact is I already got my hella expensive guitar. It's right under my table!

Hmm.. I'm not too anal about its gender or anything but I do want to name my guitar. I'm still thinking though and I don't think I'll be done any time soon. It's okay. Not like it's going to run away in the night. Oh my gosh, I just pictured my guitar with legs, running into the streets. Uggghh.

Anyway, this post is more or less to tack down my inspirations and songs I want to learn, etc. I would be sharing about why I bought a guitar as well and why I did it so suddenly. Hopefully, it will make my purchase out to be not as impulsive and reckless than it probably is. Heh. Hmm. Change of plans. I don't really feel like sprouting crap now (although I am perfectly capable of doing so), so I'll just share my loves and my inspirations. (Read as: I am going to post a hell lot of links.)

I realized that despite listening to what I lovingly dubbed as "trash music" a lot, the songs I love are mostly softer ones with lovely music accompanying the vocals. I don't exactly like beats and more electronic sound but when it's "trash music", it doesn't matter. However, I do love the sound of the guitar, especially in a softer or slower song.

Recently, a cover of "Taylor" by Jack Johnson made me melt. It was the final push for me to get my guitar, admittedly. It was so, so beautiful to me. The link over there is for the original, which is charming as well. I'll be posting the cover soon but I just wanted to say I like this song. It's not a genre that really appeals to me much (Wiki says that Jack Johnson is a American Folk Rock singer-songwriter. If that helps-) but I like it for the quirky guitar and the gentle vocals. I think "Taylor (Cover)" is amazing.

Personally, I don't remember when I noticed the guitar. Like I said many times before, I usually listen to a song as a whole with my mind concentrated on the vocals. It takes effort to actually focus on the music, unlike to some others whom it may come naturally. People listen to music differently, yeah.

However, from as far back as I can remember, "Are you ready to rock?" has always been one of the songs where I really appreciate the guitar, along with the vocals. (This song is one I'll love to master one day when I'm good enough.) Miyavi is just awesome. I might not be a devout fan of his but I enjoy his work from time to time. Since I mentioned Miyavi, I wanted to say I love "Kekkonshiki no Uta" as well. The song is so fun and playful even though it's really sad, if you think about what's he singing about, but until the end, he manages to put it in a joking way. I really love that song.

Other than that, the whole reason I got started on this craze is "Wonderwall" by Oasis. I feel saddened that quite a lot of my friends don't know that song, not after listening to the title. I feel like screaming, "HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WONDERWALL!?" Haha. Honestly and sadly, I really only know the more popular songs of the not too known bands and I keep telling myself I have to go check them out but I find myself too lazy. Oops! (Yes, I'm probably just as bad as them...)

Although I prefer it on the piano, it would be nice to be able to play "Boston" on the guitar. This song is and will always be one of my favorites ever. It just has too much significance to me, along with a character that's named Boston for whom the song of his namesake seems perfect for him. I can't let go of the song anymore than I can let go of the character, even if I don't know the city at all.

Oh, watching more videos of Miyavi. That guy's funky, for sure. His guitar playing sounds really cool and I think he's playing an acoustic? I'm not sure though. Wow. His playing is really cool. Haha. Here! Have a short clip that's totally worth 30 seconds- "miyavi playin guitar". Love his insane, gleeful grin at the end when he's done.

Well, the real reason, as you might know, is that I want to be able to play my wedding song. That's it but I want to get the most out of it, so I'm going to learn other stuff and keep myself occupied. I won't tell you the song but it's lovely, at least to me. Hopefully, I still have my beloved guitar then in working condition. It'll be dope to play my wedding song on that guitar.

...At this rate, I'll be buying Miyavi's album. I swear the instrumentals can reduce me into a puddle of goo and I'm not one who's too into music. Ughhh. I sound a bit like a shallow dodo who doesn't like music but I'm currently attempting to learn the guitar. Oh, it's not as bad as I make it out to be. Truthfully, I like vocals the most in a song but the music is important as well.

Imagine if you place Adele's vocals with music that Selena Gomez has in her songs. I don't mean it as an insult to Selena Gomez or anyone else but it's obviously not going to mesh. People should have music that suits their voices. I love how haunting some of the music for a bunch of Florence and The Machine's songs are- completely complimenting the very unique voice that Florence Welch has.

Ah, that band. I love the album that my sister passed over. "Dog Days Are Over" is probably the song that most people would have heard from the band and probably from Glee. However, I think there is a pull to Florence Welch's voice that I really love and I prefer her version. She gives me a very gypsy feel. My favorite song from them is probably "I'm not calling you a liar" though. Something about that song and the lyrics strikes me so hard.

I'm going off topic! Guitars, guitars, guitars.

John Mayer is definitely someone I admire. Now, I don't have much experience with the guitar (read: none at all) and I must confess that I don't really have any idols when it comes to guitar. However, I find myself favoring acoustic works more than anything. For instance, I love "Say (What You Need To Say)" so much and probably because of the movie 'The Bucket List'. Great movie, pretty sure I cried. (What's new?) This is one of those songs I need to learn eventually.

From Mayer, I also liked "Who Says" and "Your Body Is A Wonderland" as well. (Haven't checked out the rest yet...)

For Panic!, I think their stuff is great but they aren't songs I really seem myself playing... Well. The acoustic versions are definitely down below on my to-learn list though. I'm just going to list all the acoustic versions I know of their songs from a certain session they played in- "The Ballad of Mona Lisa", "Nine In The Afternoon", "Lying..." and "I Write Sins Not Tragedies". There.

What else, what else...

Oh! If there's one song I think everyone should know, it's "Collide" by Howie Day. Ugh. I hope this one is not too unknown to my friends. (Honestly, one would think all they listen to it alien stuff I don't know. Haha. They probably feel they same way about me, huh. For me, I definitely have no interest in Chinese music at all.) I watch some dances from 'So You Think You Can Dance' at times and it was then that I first heard the acoustic version of Collide. It's beautiful- "Collide (Acoustic)". The guitar just sounds fantastic.

Hmm. I'm pretty sure there are dozens of other songs I like and other people whom I really like but I'm bad at listing them when I want to. Oh, well. I'll go check out what songs are easy to learn and those are the ones I'll aim to learn first. Yeah, I'm just jumping right into songs. I think it's more natural to learn all the chords when you're learning it from a song.

That's easy to say but hard to do. I don't even know how to strum properly. It's all going to be trial and error but eh, I'm probably going to pick up the basics from one of my friends who plays the guitar. It's a little disheartening to see longtime players who switch chords like lightning but ah, well! I won't let myself give up!

I know very little of Lifehouse but I used to have like, four of their songs in my old mp3? "You And Me" is an all time favorite of mine and will always be, no doubt. "Hanging By A Moment" is another song of theirs I love. Ah! "Spin" is good too. Again, Lifehouse is a band I said I'll check out but was too lazy to. Ahhh.

Sigh. This is getting way too long but since I started, I'm just going to keep listing until I'm done with it all.

One of my favorite bands would definitely be the Goo Goo Dolls. "Iris" is their most commercially popular song and it's this song that mostly everyone knows, I think. Otherwise, it'll be "Before It's Too Late", because of Transformers. I have their best of album in my phone and it's great. One of the few albums I listen straight on without skipping anything. "Feel The Silence" is one of my favorite songs ever and I like "I'm Still Here" by Johnny Rzeznik, who is the lead singer of the band. However, if you ask me what's the one song I'll learn if I will from them? It's going to be "Sympathy" because that one sounds pretty dang good and the lyrics sound kind of fun? Haha.

"The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World is a really good song that never fails to make me feel marginally better and I just found an acoustic version! Here it is, "The Middle (Acoustic)". Ahhh. It's one of the songs I would love to play but it sounds difficult to me. Haha. I can't tell at all- I don't think I can play by ear anytime soon, if I can at all. However, I guess to an amateur, everything sounds hard...?

Nope, I haven't forgotten Jason Mraz and ah, the man is too great for words. Personally, while I like "I'm Yours", it's not one of the songs I urgently want to play. The first song I heard from him is either "The Remedy (I Won't Worry)" or "Wordplay", I think but after watching parts of his live performance, I have to say I enjoyed "Coyotes" the most. It's really cool and it made me see him in a new light, to be sure. I like the duet he did with James Morrison that is called "Details in the Fabric".

Uhhh.

A song I would want to play is definitely "Forget You", for obvious reasons in which I will not discern. Heh.

There are probably lots of other bands/groups and songs that I'm missing right now but it's late and you'll have to excuse me. However, this is going to be my master post for all the songs I will potentially be learning and all my inspirations and what not. I'll update it when I remember something new.

Ugh! I can't believe Five For Fighting slipped my mind! Another group/band whose music I find that I like better done with the piano but I love the songs enough to want to learn them on the guitar. It's definitely going to be "Superman (It's Not Easy)" and "100 Years". The significance of these songs to me are beyond words. I can't tell you how I feel whenever I hear 100 Years. It's really indescribable and I don't want to ruin the feeling by trying to do so.

Anyway, I'm tired and probably sleeping soon, so I'll just finish up for now... And I'll update when I got something new or remembered something. Yeah.

The next bunch of links are the links to the original songs but they're songs that are easily to play, apparently, so I'll start with them, most likely.

...I'm just going to leave these here: http://www.topacousticsongs.com/easy-acoustic-songs-to-play-on-guitar/, http://www.guitarfriendly.net/easy-guitar-songs-for-beginners/, http://www.learn-acoustic-guitar.com/20-easy-acoustic-guitar-tabs-and-songs-you-can-start-learning-now.

Yes, I am a lazy pig. Haha. I'll probably start with Wonderwall, then go on to Time of Your Life. Yeah. Just two first. Can't be too ambitious. Wonderwall is sort of giving me hell. Haha. I can't strum! Oh, well. I'll try my best to master these two first!

That's all.

:)

emerging from the waters

2011-12-16T01:25:00.000+08:00

It's the plane you wanna catch to Vegas.

I have to explain the meaning behind my title. But firstly, yes, this is my first serious post in a while. Originally, I wanted to put it off and stall for another day but I figured that I should just suck it up and get down to it. It's not that I don't feel like doing it but more of that I'm was too lazy to get started at all. Well, since I'm here now, I'm going to go through with the whole post- which I assure you will be of an indecent length.

Now, I am not a swimmer, even though I enjoy swimming to a certain extent. However, I have never been interested in it competitively and it's more of a leisure to me than anything. If I lived near a beautiful sea, I would be interested in water sports. I really would love to try surfing one day. Alright, getting off topic here.

One of my favorite things about swimming is how the water muffles the sound and when you're underneath, it feels like you're in a different place and not in a pool of chlorine treated artificial water that's filled with invisible germs and dirt. There's a certain weightlessness to your body and an inability to stay rooted to the floor of the pool, as though gravity is acting upwards and longing to drag you to the surface of the water. It thrills me, these things.

Yet my favorite moment is bursting from the surface, emerging into air once more and finding the sky above. I have a particular, strange fixation with the sky and coming up from the water to the view of the sky makes me feel, just for a split second, like I am a bird. Then I remember the water encasing my body beyond my torso, I remember myself, the water that slicks back my hair and the droplets that cling onto my skin. Suddenly, I'm brought back to reality where I'm no longer in another place and no longer being another person.

That moment is exactly what I felt like yesterday or the day before that. This also has a lot to do with whatever I will be talking about further along in the post.

Ugh. Distracted by stories! Presumptions is a really good one- I lost it for a while and I've tried so hard to find it. Finally, I found it with the help of Lord Google! Yay! Sigh. I really have to get on with it, huh... Fine. I shall get down to it.

I've commented on my lack of commitment before and a numerous other things like my tendency to favor my own selfish needs above others and the master of procrastination I am. It has come to the point where I have gone through much to bare myself naked figuratively under the spotlight as some means of rectifying my flaws. It's a famous saying that identifying the problem is the first step to solving it. Unfortunately, I mostly only get to the first step.

However, the good news is that I have come to be accepting of these flaws, weakness, faults that constitute the uglier side of me. I don't beat myself over it or I don't exactly think I'm less of a person for having these. Also, I'm trying to love myself more and to discover new sides of myself that I could come to admire. It's a slow and ongoing process in which little to none progress can be seen immediately. In time to come, perhaps, I may not have such a negative view of myself anymore.

I have recently recognized and acknowledged my fatal flaw. The one thing that will kill me in the end if I don't try to alter it, bit by bit.

Before, I used to think my fatal flaw was my penchant for procrastinating. Lately, when I was able to think about it more, my fatal flaw really is the fact I'm so insecure.

You can't tell it from looking from me- this insecurity is a different kind from just thinking I'm not pretty enough. Well, it is related but it is a different version, somewhat. I have come to an impasse about my looks and I'll let it stay there. I won't disturb it. Ah. Just a bit ago, I told my friend I was insecure and instantly, she had a look of disbelief on her face. It's something that is hard to explain, I suppose, and something that people don't expect me to be.

I like to think I'm confident and that's pretty true, to a certain extent. Yet I have this deeply rotted insecurity that I haven't yet tried to remove. It's an fear that has been planted from a long time ago, I expect.

When I leave a place, I always look back because I'm scared I'll leave something behind. I always check things multiple times (for example, packing my bag) although I am sure by the second time that I got everything. There's just this fear that I would forget something or I would leave something behind and that I will never see it again. You could say it's something natural but I don't think it's normal to be that obsessive with it.

I think in a way, I'm afraid of being abandoned and left behind as much as I'm afraid of losing people and never being able to get them back. This is probably linked to my commitment issues in which I think that I try to not get close to people because I have the mentality they would leave me anyway. All these are really bad for a person.

I'm always scared that people will change their words. I confirm things with them multiple times partly because I think that they made a mistake when they said they are going somewhere with me. The bad thoughts plague my mind- they forgot it's me they're talking to, they actually wanted to go with another friend and I'm just the second choice, etc.

Okay, maybe this is all too melodramatic but I suffer from a milder case of all these.

Haha. I got to stop being so afraid of everything, yeah. However, I had some progress from this recently. Nowadays, I go off a bus and all without looking back. This is very normal. I make myself believe that I didn't leave anything behind and even if I did, I will get something else to replace it. I stopped being jealous over my friends- that's really one person, I think.

Jealousy was something that came to me easily when I was around her because despite being in the same boat figuratively, I always thought she was so much better off than me. Oh, well. I was a dumber kid. I'm slowly getting better.

Yeah. I just wanted to mention this insecurity thing because I'm pretty much fed up with it and I"m going to try my best to slowly get rid of it. Or make it so slight that I don't notice it anymore.

Alright, moving on. Haven't been up to anything and I will try my best to get started on something soon. It's just that I'm enjoying these days of freedom and lazing around before I have to slog my ass to get good grades. I need good grades to enter university... Sigh. I'm not going into details about my plans until I achieved them, remember?

What else?

Oh, I'm getting a guitar. It seems slightly weird to me that my interest shifted- I always wanted to learn the piano. However, I was listening to "Wonderwall" the other day and it struck me so hard. What struck me? Ah, it was a sudden and deep longing to be able to play the song myself. Wow, that sounds like utter crap that I made up on the spot. Ah, well.

I have a lot of friends and random acquaintances that play the guitar and I've always envied them. From a very young age, I wanted to be involved in some form of the arts but the lack of funds and drive stopped me from pursuing my interest. Believe it or not, I've always wanted to learn an instrument. At the moment, the guitar's sound appeals to me than that of the piano's.

Sometimes, it's hard to remember I'm doing things for myself. Most of the time, I like to compete with other people and then give up because I pale in comparison to them. However, this time, I don't want to give up on the guitar and I don't want to compete with them. They're probably better than me and may always be better than me but that's not what's important. I really just want to learn the songs I love to play on the guitar myself.

After much research and reading, I pretty much am sure what guitar I want. It's probably going to be a bit pricey, about 500 to 600, I expect. (If it's above 600, I don't think I'll buy it.) It's an amazing guitar though- I have both listened to it in action and read countless reviews. Very worth it's price, apparently. I'm going to go take a look at it, hopefully, tomorrow.

You might think I'm crazy for jumping right into it but I want to keep a guitar around, if I'm buying it. I want a kind of guitar that when five, ten years down the road, it's still where I am. Besides, after reading so much, I really don't want to buy some cheap ass crap that will be harder to learn, etc. I sincerely hope they still have the guitar I want in stock and at a reasonable price...

Anyway, some of you might notice that I quoted from Selena Gomez's "Hit The Lights". That line is my favorite in the whole song because of it's significance to me. (Don't really want to go to Vegas. I mean, if I can, I would want to but it's not near the top of places I would kill to visit. Venice is.) I made a promise with my friend. That's all you're going to get. The song, essentially, to me is about missed chances and partying away to forget about them. Haha. I'm kidding. The first part is probably true though. It's not too bad a song, I guess.

Think I got slightly tired of this cliche "Go chase your dreams!" kinda song. Or anything relating to it. Like, bored of your usual life, go ahead and change yourself, you are a star, you are not nothing kind of song. Truly, I still appreciate them and love them but not too often and in small doses. Heh.

Slowly getting less jaded, I hope.

Yup.

That's all. (I didn't actually cover all I wanted but this is more or less it.)

that moment

2011-12-15T04:40:00.000+08:00

You catch wishes on your eyelashes as they flutter shut. The skin of your eyelids cover the brilliant brown of your eyes for just a moment and I deliberately look away. They snap open with a jolt and I try my best to pretend that I am not doing my best to look at you without letting my eyes stray anywhere in your direction. Your lips twist briefly and you part them slightly, as though readying yourself to penetrate the thick silence that has fallen between us. However, all that comes out is a soft sigh and you replace your receding intentions with a hand in your hair. I watch discreetly as your pale hand ruffles your dark locks, knowing it will come to settle on the nape of your neck. The eyes that were directed at me just a moment ago slides to the door and I know then that I already lost you. "Emily," you call and reluctantly, my eyes settle on yours, "You don't have to stay." Your eyes flicker from the door to mine and held me there. I smile ruefully and sigh before standing with a loud scrape and heading for the door. I could feel your glaze still on me even as the door falls shut behind me.

I, personally, don't like reading from the second person point of view because I feel like it's being forced on me but I don't mind writing it. Strange, is it not?

truthfully

2011-12-12T18:28:00.000+08:00

I got no swag.

That's the truth, yo. Haha. I want to dress like a hipster and have that line sprawled over my tank top. Tank top, skinny jeans, sneakers and a cap. That's my idea of a perfect outfit at the moment. Unfortunately, I am only qualified to wear one thing by my own standards. Yes, I can only wear the cap. Ain't going to ruin clothes for myself. If that makes me a pansy, at least I'm a pansy who's true to herself and her standards.

I'm not really making sense but ah, well.

Embarrassingly, I'm addicted to "trash music" nowadays. I truly believe there is no bad music. I pretty sure if you try hard enough, you can find something good from even something like "Friday" by Rebecca Black. Maybe it has a sick beat. I don't know. I'm never listening to original again. Anyway, my definition of "trash music" is basically music that I just listen to without thinking about any deeper meaning or whatever.

I won't say it doesn't have substance because some of it does, if you frown hard and think hard for a week. Or a month. Even a year. It's mostly just dance music or music you feel like moving to. Plus those extremely catchy tunes that just lodge in your head although you curse it for being there. "Love is MOVE" by Secret was a song like that.

The chorus goes "Sarangun move move" which is "Love is move move". What? That's engerish (englerish, however you want to spell a term for bad English to be) at its best. The song is hella catchy though. It pops into my head when I least expect it. Ugh. "Baby" by Justin Bieber is another example. It's catchy, really, and easy to just listen to if you don't think about how stupid the song is actually. (I'm quite sure I rolled my eyes the first time I heard the rap.)

Ugh. Here comes the killer. I'm actually okay with LMFAO's music if I don't think too hard about the lyrics and if I don't watch the official music video. I sort of accidentally clicked on "Sexy and I Know It" (CLICK IT. WATCH IT, I DARE YOU.) and my eyes were scarred. JUST NO. Of all their stuff I've heard so far, the lyrics to the songs are pretty egoistical and all. The feminist in me wrinkles my nose at them but as a whole, most of me don't give a damn. It sounds alright, so I'm just going to listen to it.

I remember when I watched the horrifying video (as mentioned above)- my first thought was that one of the background dancers was from Quest Crew. I tried watching it again but I just can't. Ugh. The song is a little annoying to me though- I'll only take it in tiny doses. Like once a century or something. Haha.

At the moment, I'm pretty sure I like it better at Tumblr than here because it's fun to reblog stuff and try to hit the daily limit. I'm not too in the mood of posting meaningful posts here and my life is pretty mundane at this point, so it's nicer to just reblog pictures again and again. For some reason, I just love to look at the people who own a tumblr. It's a little ironic because I don't post my photos there myself but I like to look at other people's when I go to their tumblrs.

Well, I like to admire good looking people. Who doesn't, huh?

Most of the time, I actually follow them because I like the contents of their blog. I don't know. Most of them know they're good looking and they're not afraid to flaunt it. I'm okay with that part. Confidence in something that you are sure about is nothing to be hiding or embarrassed about. Besides, I don't know them at all (personally and how they behave in real life, school, etc), so I can't judge at all. I'm a little disgruntled at how they pose with a pout or something like that. Like ugghhh.

I also like to watch random videos, especially if I chance across them. They surprise me sometimes. Anyway, I'm pretty unmoved at how the boy behind thekidjesse.tumblr.com looks but his video made him okay to me because of his voice and how awkwardly cute he is- planned or otherwise. Ugh. His voice.

Have I told you I can like a person based on their voice? Male, female or otherwise, it doesn't matter. A voice can kill or break a person for me. I won't dislike a person based on their voice, silly, but I like listening to people with nice voices. How a person speaks is important as well. I can't stand too much Singlish. A person with an okay voice but using a bad tone or horrible pitch? Gosh.

I sound like some whiny brat but ah, well. It's just my preference and most people can't exactly help the way they speak or sound like, so I don't hold it against them. It's all cool with me. But if you asked me what I can like of a person based on first meeting or impression, it'll be the voice. Always.

Ah. I went off topic. The video he made is 'How to be " Tumblr Famous "' and it's quite cute, actually. The moment I knew I was okay with him and that I like him (the way you can like a random stranger, that is- you appreciate something about them even though you don't know anything about them at all) was when he showed a card with the video title only to realize it's backwards because he's taking the video from his webcam (presumably). Fail. Haha.

I like how he tries to wear the hat multiple times and is so determined to get it done. That and the moment when he's sort of dancing along to one of LMFAO's songs before he realizes it's getting to an odd part and scrambles to turn the music off.

After that, I went watch the lyrics video of the LMFAO song and yeah, it's just brainless and egoistic again. However, I came across a duo doing a dance to this song and it's... Cool? They're not dancers, I think, but they made a dance that's so easy and suitable for the song. I like it quite a lot. Most of the people found them by tumblr but I just selected it from the suggestions youtube was giving because I was curious.

"Yes LMFAO Dance Coleton & Matt" It's cute, I guess. I won't say they're bad looking but they're wearing sunglasses, so you can pretend they're good looking. (Not implying they're not. Just saying.) It's amazing how little things can make you seem like another person. Like wearing a pair of shades. Instant effect, yo!

Haha. The dance is really cute. I like the dance way more than I am fawning over the guys! Oh, I think I was about to make a proper, serious post but I'm too happy and too good in a mood to do anything like that. It's not as if I have anything I haven't said before. It's nothing much, I suppose. Oh!

I want to work to get money to buy my own things and sponsor myself on trips and all that. I get my money from my parents, my first sister or borrow from my third sister. I'm too reliant on others and while it may just seem like I'm taking advantage of them, I actually do feel guilty and sorry. Especially to my first sister and her boyfriend because I keep spoiling the computers and laptops he lends me. I just don't really know how to say it or express it but I feel really wretched when it happens.

Hate it when other people intentionally make me feel guilty as well. When you know a person's weak point, it's easy to harp on it and make the person feel like the lowest, shallowest, worst person on Earth. I've felt that way too many times. It's tiring and draining.

Ah, well. I've said before I want to work in JC but I got to try a semester to see if I can balance the workload. I'm pretty sure my results for Os is going to be shit. I can honestly tell you that. If I want to buck up and do my best at an education before it's all ruined, JC is my second chance. If I get above 20, as unlikely as it may seem, I'm definitely retaking. (I'll feel extremely, extremely, extremely horrible though. Os isn't cheap at all. My parents forked out hundreds of dollars to get that kind of grades from me? Ugh.)

It's too late to regret, so that's not what I'm going to do. Now, one can only move forward and wash away the mistakes of yesterday.

Moving on. The line above is the start of the chorus of a song I'm addicted to at the moment. Yes, as much as I want to say it's a quote from me, it's actually from a song called "No Swag" by Ughmerica. The video is long because it's pretty much a skit. It's not too bad, I was entertained (sort of) but the song nailed it for me. Liked the song quite a lot. Finally! A song that doesn't make guys seem like douches who only care about their faces and bodies. Ugh. Yeah!

I don't mind "Hit The Lights" even though I don't particularly like Selena Gomez. I don't really like Disney stars in general. Just didn't have any reason to, I suppose. Never watched any of their shows or sincerely liked any of their music or music videos. Probably indifferent to them. I defend them when people insult them though, for some reason. I remember saying doubtfully that they're not all fake and all to one of my friends. It's not nice to say shit about things you know nothing about, even if you think that they seem extremely bad and negative to you.

That's a reason I hate the general public view of Kpop. Ugh. I'm not a devoted fan, to be honest, although I like the group SHINee quite a lot. My sister's a much better fan than me- watching their videos and all. I like them because they seem genuine and fun. I like their music as well, even if I'm guilty of not knowing what song it is if you don't play their hits.

I absolutely hate how some people who say they hate Kpop or don't understand it just think the whole Korean industry is made of plastic-faced manufactured beings little more than robots or slaves. Please. I'm pretty sure the idols and stars know the hardships of the path they choose to take. While there are so many, many, many cons, there are pros as well. If you don't open your eyes to them, you won't be able to see it. Not all Kpop fans are freaking crazy and completely mad about their idols or stars. Not everyone is a rabid dog salivating all over the floor.

It's true that some Kpop fans give all Kpop fans a bad name but it's necessary to see beyond that. I'm not going to do an essay about it now because it's pointless and a waste of my effort because I don't feel like it.

Sometimes, it amazes me the sheer amount of the different bands/groups/singers and music I listen to. It's not a staggering amount and I'm sure there are many people who like more but among those I know, I'm one of the few who listen to quite a few different types and like them all. Most people stick to one type of music. My sister is another one who listens to a variety of music but I'm certain she can't beat me in "trash music". She's the queen of indie, as far as I know.

Then again, I'm not too keen in knowing more about the music or the groups/singers. I just listen and like. That's it.

Alright, my mother is hounding me about dinner.

I'll end off by saying I'm more of a Jack than I am of an Ace, a Queen, a King or any numbers. No, I'm not just referring to the fact that I see myself somewhat of a Jack of All Trades, Master of None. (I don't know why I capitalize those. I just felt like it.) For more reasons than that.

Be back with my "serious post" soon.

just a note

2011-12-10T06:36:00.001+08:00

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding.

I've heard enough beautiful songs that include light in them that I can't help but feel happy when I see lights in a photo. That's a pretty good thing because for some reason, people do like taking photos of lights. Thankfully, they come out splendidly and I've reblogged quite a few photos of just lights.

The story in the last post was real. Every single word of it.

I'm determined to learn my wedding song on the guitar. I'm going to play it in my wedding dress. It's already decided. I don't know anything about my future but that's the only thing I'm sure I want to execute. I shared that with my friend recently and she laughed at first and asked jokingly, "Do you have your wedding dress designed already?" I laughed and replied no but she then knew I was serious about the song.

She wanted to know what song it was but I really didn't feel like telling her. Hell, I don't feel like telling anyone at all, although it's quite obvious because I've been singing it often. My other friend probably knows about it but I'm hoping that she didn't notice, if I put it on my tumblr. I will let another one of my friends know the song if I'm going to be borrowing her guitar to learn the song- that seems fair exchange.

The song makes me feel so happy, it's ridiculous. It just gives me so much hope I don't know what to do with it. ALL THESE EMOTIONS, WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM? I wonder if you can grow emotions. Probably could, huh? I mean, you can irritate someone and watch as the seed of annoyance you sow slowly sprouts into a fruit of anger that explodes in your face.

Heh.

Ugh. I don't know whether it's the morning but I'm all weepy and about to cry. Well, I teared but I didn't full out cry, so it's a little weird, this state I'm in. It actually makes me sleepy and I don't exactly want to sleep at the moment. Life. You just can't win.

To top it off, I'm reading stories that keep making tears gather in my eyes but obviously, they're not too strong to push them over the edge. Besides, I don't really feel like having a crying session at the moment but my eyes keep betraying me by filling with tears. WHERE IS ALL THIS WATER IN MY EYES COMING FROM-?

Sorry, it's almost seven in the morning and I'm not asleep. Why, you might ask. Because I want to, duh. Because I don't have a job although it's the holidays. Pfft.

WHY ARE THESE STORIES MAKING ME TEAR, DAMN IT? I'm one of those annoying people who thinks typing in caps is more impactful and it looks like you're shouting, albeit in written words. It's cool. I dislike people who use it too often though. It's taxing on the eyes and feels rude.

Okay, that's all.

I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping...

bitter words sewn onto my lips

2011-12-10T04:59:00.001+08:00

I cannot remember the exact words he spoke, as though the memories are slightly blurred and muffled in my mind, even though they happened moments ago. He had said something about durians but I was a little too preoccupied to answer the first time. Besides, he was addressing my brother then and I only gave a indifferent "No" when he asked the question a second time, this time to me.

He had asked whether I have seen the durian trees near Mayfair Park. Of course I had, I jogged there often and I saw this small tree that had green fruits that looked more like jackfruit than durian. Alas, it was only afterwards that I was pretty sure the tree that I thought to be a durian tree was probably a tree of another fruit. My reply was weak but then again, as mentioned, I was busy using the computer at that moment and my frazzled answer was only to be expected.

He disappeared in the room after hearing my answer and that of my brother's but not before giving us a promise to have a look at those trees he spotted. I would not be lying if I said I thought he forgot all about after a few minutes but an instance later, there he was, rounding my brother and I up like the Pied Piper luring all the children. At least, that was what it felt like to me.

As I stood beside the car waiting for it to be unlocked, I stared up into the sky and noticed the moon. How mocking it looked, so blinding against the dark blue sky it nestled upon. It was perfectly round this night and shining, quite like a pretty dime but without the tinge of silver. I looked up at it and my heart yearned but what for? I knew not the answer.

The car was unlocked and I got in, immediately hugging the pillow I found in the backseat to my chest. My eyes were already watery and this seemed like a conditioned response as my mind clung onto thoughts about or regarding my father. He said something then and perhaps I grunted a reply or made a shaky response- I cannot remember now. I do remember wiping my eyes and remarking that we have such a bridge between us- that of unasked questions and silent answers.

Maybe even unfounded doubts but I am not one too headstrong or strong-willed my first sister is and I chose to believe the tale when it came along. Nowadays, it does seem like a bad story, like a particularly bitter aftertaste left in one's mouth. However, for some reason, I chose to believe there is truth in it and that is all.

The car drove on in the night and I tilted my face to the brilliant moon that seemed to be following us. As I watched it, it dawned on me that perhaps we were the ones following it. Then, the car turned around the corner and the silhouette of houses and trees snatched the moon from my eyes. "Do you remember this road?" my father asked as we ascended the winding route.

'How could I not?' I would have liked to reply, 'I come jogging here frequently.'

I held my tongue because it did not make sense to me to offer any information about myself freely to a stranger who did not return the favor. I think there was idle conversations but I am not too sure. It is as though the details write themselves out of my head and all I can remember is the state of mind I was in. Neither of us replied sometimes and we left our father's questions hanging in the air to be eaten up by the silence.

He had passed me a torch but as we got out of the car, he took it from me. Briefly, vaguely, I wondered what was the point of passing it to me in the first place but he had already walked away and I followed behind him. The torch was aimed in the trees and for a while, nothing really happened. 'Where were the durian trees you talked about?' I asked, just a bit tauntingly in my head, 'Do they not exist?'

"There!" he cried suddenly, pointing the beam high up into the trees.

For a flash, I felt something stir in me but I cannot tell you what it is for I do not know it myself. I definitely felt something as I looked up to the green cluster of spiked fruits high up above in the trees. There was a lot of miscellaneous comments from him and noncommittal responses from me. My brother was being civil once more and behaving much like the younger brother I knew from my memories. The beastly old man he was masquerading as these days was gone and in its place was the boy that was familiar to me. It almost seemed as though my brother's facade and his rudeness melted away in my father's presence.

To be honest, I was much less composed and less spiteful than the person I appear to be in my written words now. No, I was not at all freaking out but at one point, as we walked on in the damp, muddy ground, I had stepped right into one of the areas that was nothing but sticky, icky mud that squelched. Needless to say, the slippers I had on were no protection at all and my toes and heels were splattered with mud. Later on, I realized I had slight streaks of them on my calves as well. I squealed in annoyance, blabbering and complaining to my brother. He, the cruel boy, took no notice and ignored my ramblings.

After we looked at the durians and my father spoke once more, we were walking back to the car. I laughed lightly at one of his comments but that's probably the one of the reasons he found it hard to talk to us. I do not recall being in the presence of my father and my first sister as they conversed, so I have no comments there. However, my second sister is one of the few people in our family who can listen to him with rapt attention and reply with all the appropriate comments. All I could do was laugh a little and reply awkwardly, prompting him to talk more and fill our silence with only his words.

He drove on, now onto the mission to get my brother some food. My brother had a strange diet and McDonald's was one of the few things that agreed with him. He talked to my brother as he drove on and I could not help but snort inwardly because the questions he was asking my brother were all the wrong ones. My brother had no answer to those because he was clueless about them himself.

I watched the scenery passing by and a little wistfully, I wondered what age my father saw me as. Was I still twelve in his eyes, still easy to fool and cajole? I cannot surely be sixteen because I think he does not see how I have grown. How could he have? He was barely here when I was forcing myself to grow up and even now, I am still in the process of growing up. What does he see then?

Again, these pesky questions to which I had no answers to.

Soon after, we were near the McDonald's drive through and he asked me what I wanted to eat. He had asked earlier but I told him then I would think about it. Nothing appealed to me in my mind, so I told him that it was okay, I do not need food. He could not hear the first two times and I repeated myself once more but this time, I said, "I am okay."

The previous two times, I think I said something like I was fine not having any food.

It was only when the sentence escaped my mouth that I found how ironic it was. Was I really okay? Perhaps all these fussing was only a ruse to make the drama last. Maybe, in actual fact, I had already gotten over his emotional abandonment of his duty of a father. Then, I wondered again. If he was not doing his duty as a father, then what was all this business taking us to see durian trees?

Were we the neglected toys in the chest of a child? Toys that were taken out only when the owner desired to see them but locked away in the dark when the owner was bored of us or did not want to play with us. He seemed to play the role of the father as he pleased because he was certainly not a constant presence in our lives.

I changed my mind the moment I saw that McDonald's had their breakfast menu on even though it was about four in the morning then. I said I wanted hot cakes and I wanted a meal but in the end, I decided to just let it be. He asked me whether I was still keen on learning to cook and I replied yes, I was. He then started on the theory of cooking and I listened intently to the knowledge he was imparting.

If there was one thing my father undoubtedly is, it would be that he is a great cook.

It is no surprise I soaked up everything I could from the master himself, although I was silent and simply trying to understand the logic behind cooking. I was so silent and unresponsive that he was prompted to ask me if I was listening. I replied yes and he continued on. He paused briefly as he drove up to the counter, stopping for a while to converse with the person working there at the moment.

My father has a glib tongue and he has this innate ability to make himself liked by others.

He often talks to friends in hawker centers, coffee shops, even in McDonald's, back when he cared just a bit more and bought meals for my brother and I. He would make jokes about the darker skinned workers but all in jest and the workers there lapped it up. He is a good entertainer, I suppose, and he elicited laughs from the crew before he drove away once more.

After the person left to get our order done, he continued on the lesson on food and I listened. It continued all the way home and proudly to say, I interjected with a question that had him talking all the way home. It was an interesting lesson, truthfully and he had the very basic foundation laid in me. Hopefully, he will teach me how to cook properly but I dare not hope for so much.

We went up from the car and suddenly, it was as if we were strangers once more. At this point, I no longer put the blame on my father for us being strangers because I am to blame as much as he is. I cannot find words around him and I know not what to say because of the immovable burden between us. Perhaps he feels the same. I do not know and I probably will continue to not know. I enjoyed that moment of the durian trees and it was a blast from the past that I felt thankful about. Maybe the man I see is not that much of a stranger after all.

Surprisingly, my brother was able to remain civil as we ate and we chatted aimlessly about variety shows he is addicted to- mainly, Running Man and Family Outing. It was pleasant and it really was a refreshing change from the grumpy old man he has morphed into nowadays.

Alas, our meal came to an end and the moment I had, right from when my father asked about the durian tress, came to an end as well.

bang, bang, bang

2011-12-08T22:34:00.001+08:00

She's got you high and you don't even know yet.

I think people grow up and mature too fast nowadays. When you're twelve, it's like you're fifteen. When you're sixteen, it's like you're twenty two. When you're twenty three, it's like you're thirty three. When you're thirty four, it's like you're fifty. It goes on. I guess globalization contributes to that but I think it's more of the kind of environment people grow up in.

Distraught parents with faltering relationships, someone abusing you physically in your life, getting bullied by the kids in school, getting talked down in world. Hurting emotionally, physically, mentally. Sigh. What a world we live in today. Oh, well, it's all part and parcel of life, after all. I went to listen to "Jack and Diane" by John Mellencamp because Sam mentioned it in Glee and I found a line so true- "Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone".

Anyway, I'm passing my days in a blur and every day is a repetition of the last. Aye, it's sad but I'll try to put a spin on it soon. It's too early for me to be behaving like an eighty year old who only has death to await.

Well, I've been making a bit of a possible change. I make sure I sleep at least eight hours a day, although sometimes I'm just too dang lazy to get up when my alarm rings, so I sleep a few more hours. Ugh. Today I slept for 12 hours- I was supposed to rouse at 8 but ended up doing so only at 12. Sigh. That's four hours wasted but it's not as if I have anything to do. I was tempted to sleep the day away but I decided that I wasn't that much of a pig.

The latest of my troubles is that I can't do a proper push up. Been feeling depressed about that. I WILL NAIL IT. I DON'T CARE. Devoting the early part of the morning tomorrow to do exactly that.

Recently, I messaged one of my dearest friends and told her that I was proud of her and that I loved her. It's true, for both. She's got dreams, she's got plans, I'm pretty sure she ain't going to disappoint anyone come January. Me, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. That's why when I received her text saying that she was proud of me too, I just smiled sadly. She might think she's proud of me but I'm definitely not proud of who I am.

I lie too often, mostly to myself. I make promise I don't keep, I disappoint people and I hurt people. You might argue all I see are my flaws and short comings but they have truth in them. I'm not happy now and I want to be happy. There's this thing on tumblr that I always reblog, it's a random photo with the words, "I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet."

That fits me to a tee. I'm sort of looking for something in which I excel at, not something I'm mediocre at. Ugh. If I never try, I'll never know, right? Sigh. Oh, well.

I was never cheerful and bubbly but seeing how I am now makes me think that at some point before, I was properly much happier than I am now. Now I'm just cynical, depressing and ever sad. Ugh. It's not just me but rather, my outlook? Hah. If it's any consolation, I think I'm annoying and I want to kick myself in the arse for always being like that.

If there's something in your life that dampening your mood, then it's probably time to change it!

For me, it's myself. I think I'm actually only sad and moody because I think I am and as a result of my subconsciousness, it reflects on my actual being. Woo~ *makes some random hand gestures* Haha. Yeah! So let's get happy! If it were only that simple... Drawing used to make me feel happier and better, so I'll hit those sketchbooks soon. I'll go find other things to occupy my time instead of using the computer all the time...

It's not that I am a failure in life, it's that I feel that way too acutely, too often.

That's what's bringing me down, so I need to prove to myself I'm not just a waste of space. We'll see how that goes. Firstly, I need to master doing a proper, effective push up before I get on to bigger things. Ugh. I'm probably going to head to bed soon...not. Going to watch some videos and finish my book before I head to bed.

Oh, yes. I just want to say that I have a special place in me for one shots. I won't say I prefer them over long stories but there's something so fulfilling about a short story. It's like a little pick-me-up when you're rushing for time or on the go or when you just don't feel like reading a whole story, among other scenarios. Today, for instance, I keep wanting to read a romance fic but I couldn't find it in me to start a new one. Good thing there were one shots- I read at least ten today, I think. Heh.

At the moment, I'm reading "Reckless" by Cornelia Funke once more because I like Jacob, very much. Jacob Reckless. There's a nice ring to that name. Besides, it's a type of story where he overcomes the odds and the story itself is deeply entwined with traditional fairy tales, which is something I love. Yeah, I'm trying to draw inspiration from him.

Cool kids can't die, you know. I consider myself a cool kid, even though it's easy to find someone who'll disagree and give you a convincing argument about why I'm not a cool kid but it doesn't matter! Only oneself's opinion should matter to oneself! Hmph!

As you can see, I'm in an alright mood for once, so I'm making the best of it. I think it's all the little, positive changes I've made in my life that made me feel this way. Hopefully, I can move on to bigger things...

There are some people who will never change, who will keep breaking their promises and never change despite the numerous times they say they will.

Here's to hoping I don't become of them.

:)

My girlfriend

2011-12-08T14:26:00.001+08:00

"Hey, what's up, guys! ...My girlfriend? Why, what do you want to know? ....Everything? Really. That's odd, why would you want to know about her? ...*laughs* You want to know about her because I've been mentioning her but you have never seen her with your own eyes? That's funny but you have to know she's kinda shy, so it's hard to get her to come and meet my friends. I'll introduce you guys another time. ....Yeah, she exists. No, she's not a figment of my imagination.

....Seriously, why would you want to know everything about her? .....Well, you can't blame me that you're all single. I'm pretty sure you were the one to screw that up, Jeremy. That girl was right to run. Hey! You didn't have to hit me, I was only joking.

....Yeah, I live with her, what of it? ....*laughs* Yeah, I'm pretty whipped, if you want to put it that way. Just the way she smiles at me. God. ....Yeah, I'm smitten. *laughs* Never felt any better. I don't know anything about marriage but we're happy together now. I just want to get through college in one piece. As for the future, we'll deal with it when it comes.

....What I love about her most? Gosh, you guys are really intent about this, huh? Well, I don't know how to put this but I love the little things about her the most. .... Wait. Can you guys stop staring at me so intently, it's kind of freaking me out. Are you guys really that hung up for some love? I mean, it's not as if describing my relationship with my girlfriend will make you feel better about yourselves. ....What? I'm not selfish! Hello, it's just weird to be blabbering about this to my very male friends- I'm totally fine with it if I'm doing it with my girlfriend.

....What!? I don't love her more than I love you guys. Ugh, that just killed me to admit it out loud. I mean, I love you guys- UGHHHH. But she's the one I'm in love with. There's a difference there. ....Stop staring at me with those puppy eyes, David, you're honestly creeping me out. Alright, alright! What do you guys want to know? ....No, I'm not telling you what she's like in bed. ...What! You can't hold it against me to withhold such information! Please, she's not some hook up or some girl I'm having a fling with. I would like to keep our intimate moments private, thank you very much. Oh, shove off, Chester, I know you're a perv but you gotta stop pestering me about such things. ...Yes, I know I rhymed. It wasn't on purpose, I swear.

....Okay, okay! I'll throw you guys a bone as long as you stop staring at me like that- like, like you guys are love sick fools and utter romantics. It just grosses me out! One of the things I find very cute about her is that she cannot wash her face without wetting the whole damn bathroom. When she washes her face, all the water flows down her elbows and drips onto the floor. I keep telling her to put her face closer to the sink and all but she just scrunches up her face and say that she's trying. *laughs* She's obviously doing it the wrong way still. It's terribly funny to watch.

....Okay, can you guys stop staring at me now? I mean, it's just a tidbit about her and how she washes her face! Oh, no, you're not getting anymore from me. I'm done.

...WHAT-? Chester, what do you mean I owe you for all the tips you gave me for the bed- Oh, hold on, that's her calling now. Hey, darling. *cooing noises**rolls eyes* I'm hanging out with the guys now. Yeah, sure, I'm free. You want me to pick you up? Yeah, it's no trouble at all. Okay, okay. See you in fifteen. Love you.

....Geez, stop staring at me like that, fellows! Anyway, I got to jet. See you! Or not, if you keep looking at me like that. Gah. Go get girlfriends! Yeah, Jeremy, I know that's alliteration!"

2011-12-07T22:31:00.001+08:00

She Will Be Loved.

That is one of my favorite stories of all time. If I ever go into writing professionally, this is the kind of prose I would like to write- short and simple but so effective.

gosh, how awful was it-

2011-12-07T20:43:00.001+08:00

I think Glee is a pretty corny drama.

Honestly. I don't care how bad I get bashed for this but seriously, I think Glee is pretty bad in some aspects. Take the latest episode for example. The Trouble Tones just disappeared into thin air after Quinn said some nice words, as though their drive and reasons for splitting up with the Glee club just suddenly got lost. No way, Jose, that's not how it works.

I mean, I get it- I get the cliche-ness of the situation and how they want to patch up and all but it's so predictable that it makes me want to puke. And I thought the show was finally surprising me. Pfft.

Mike Chang's story had a predictable end as well but I think that's okay... I mean, it would defeat the purpose of telling the viewers their dreams are actually possible and they can keep on dreaming. Don't wanna ruin the kids, right? But how in the hell do you explain Sam just suddenly abandoning his family and coming in right when sectionals is coming?

That's just ridiculous and a plot ploy blatantly disguised as a sudden strike of ingenuity of the club. Bah. The guy leaves and suddenly he's all okay, so he comes back? Whut.

Also, why do the New Directions get at least two, I think three, songs when the others just get one? I know what they're trying to do but please, it could have been a fair fight instead of so obviously shoving the winner into the viewer's face. Geez. You'll think they should know how to play a little discretion.

Sigh.

Okay. I don't actually have much beef about it, it's just that it annoys me sometimes when some things are too damn predictable. Makes me why I watch it in the first place.

Haha. Just kidding. I'm okay with its cheesiness but sometimes, it irritates me. However, you can't make everyone happy and I'm generally okay with these plot devices- I mean, there's some reason I'm still watching it. (I mean, other than for Santana and Mike Chang- but Chang only recently, Santana always.) I don't have a favorite, as said before but I have characters I like.

Be back with a proper post soon.

into the sun once more

2011-12-06T20:38:00.001+08:00

When I'm gone, you'll need love to light the shadows on your face.

Well, I haven't been around here because I've been on tumblr. Haha. Yeah, since I'm technically anonymous there, it's easier to blurb out some stuff. Not that I can't do it here but I just find that it's easier to blog there since I happen to be reblogging other stuff at that moment.

Besides, I haven't been doing much that would give you an update on my life at the moment. Every day is the same boring cycle. I need to step it up a bit, for sure. However, I wanted to do a post here today because it's quite relevant to what I've been moaning and bitching about for the past one year and a half? About there.

I keep thinking that I'm sad and that I'm miserable but the truth is, I pretty much forgot how to be truly happy. Sure, I get happy over somethings but on a whole, I feel like there's no purpose in life. Lately, I've been so jaded and tired of things that it's taking a toll on me. Then, today is the day that I finally decided that I'm done with that.

Yes, no more pitying myself, no more being moody for no goddamn reason, no more moping, no more whining about things. Ugh. I piss myself off sometimes. So there. I'm going to find the goals I want to fulfill in the future. I want to find things that make me happy before. I want to rediscover myself.

It's no use feeling this way forever, so I need to shake it off.

Yeah.

That's all.

Sigh. (Easier said than done, I know.)

after all the angels left

2011-12-02T03:49:00.001+08:00

Please don't be in love with someone else.

Yes, "Enchanted" was a guilty ear worm a time ago- I still listen to it on repeat every now and then. I always listen to songs on repeat, although usually I have at least a few that I just keep playing one after the other. With every Taylor Swift song, I feel like her fairytale's going to crash and burn. I'm sorry but it always feel like it's going to go up in fire, somehow.

I mean no offense, really, and I have nothing against Taylor Swift.

Unfortunately, I still have something against Kanye West. It's not just what he did to Taylor Swift although that was completely disrespectful and uncalled for but just generally, I don't exactly have a good impression of him. I'm just waiting for someone to prove me wrong before I accept the fellow. I think it's the opinions you get randomly and not the hate ones that makes you change your impression of a person.

Truly, I believe people deserve second chances. However, I don't think you can really, genuinely win back someone's initial impression of you if you spoiled it. It's exactly like trust. Once you break it, you can build it up once more but you can never build it as strongly or as much as it was before. There's always this lingering doubt that you will break it again or that you will do something devastating that will disappoint another so badly.

As for Chris Brown, I can't forgive him. Hitting a girl? That's just... I don't know. I don't think hitting anyone is good, especially not like that. I mean if a girl insulted your brother, go ahead, girls, unleash your claws on that girl! Or if some guy dishes your sister, you got to stand up for her. I ~~encourage~~ tolerate violence if it is for a noble cause. Really. I think that despite whatever people say, sometimes it's good to get the anger and emotions out physically before settling down to talk.

Of course, not to the extent where someone gets taken to the hospital but some bruises here and there- that's nothing if you can solve a conflict successfully. Those will heal in time but if you fall out with someone, you might never be able to patch up your relationship again.

Hitting your girlfriend or hitting your boyfriend? Beating up your wife or husband? Hurting the ones you supposedly love or the ones who are close to you in terms of relationship or people that are related to you just because? That's unforgivable, even in the heat of anger. Well, unless you have noble reasons, like those mentioned above. I'll slap my brother if he ever insults my girlfriend, if I have a girlfriend. Stupid boy is homophobic, sexist and racist. Gosh.

Watching Victoria's Secret again for kicks, later on.

I went for a walk just now, around 2am in the morning? I'm definitely not someone who's a patriot but there are a lot of things I like about Singapore like how it's free from natural disasters and bordered around by other countries, along with how safe it is. Sure, being the paranoid person I am, I imagined being abducted and all but they're only fears.

I'll not take my chances too often though or the hypothetical scenarios in my head may become reality.

The funny thing was that I was sitting by the road- a secluded one not too far from the park near my house that leads onto the big houses- singing my new 'feel good' song. I like singing, although I'm not very good at it, and I like to listen to my own voice aloud. Yes, I have that vanity side but it's not as if I go around saying my voice is nice- I just like listening to it on my own.

There's something about doing things in your way -getting someone in your colors or singing a song in your own voice- that gets me. When I really like a song or whatever, I want to be able to sing it with my voice even if it won't be a very good rendition.

So there I was singing by the road in the slight drizzle (less romantic than it sounds, I assure you- in fact, it's a little pathetic if you think about it) when a police car drove by. Not surprisingly, the car stopped. I mean, if I saw a young teenager by the road side in the wee hours of the morning, I would stop too. There were two policemen inside and they asked me what I was doing.

Well, I couldn't very well say I was serenading the silence, could I? I'm not good at being smart ass when I should and I'm no witty person. So I said I was doing nothing and they definitely didn't look convinced. In a last ditch attempt, I told them I'm not suicidal or anything, which probably made them think I was but in the end, they asked me to be careful before they drove away.

It was kinda an odd experience. It would have be cooler if I were caught doing drugs but I don't want to deal with the consequences. Besides, if I happen to be doing drugs, I hope I'll be smart enough not to be caught. That said, I don't want to do drugs, ever. Smoking is one thing but I draw the line at doing illegal things. I don't want to get in trouble with the law or have a record or anything. Sure, it'll be a story to tell but eh, it probably won't be worth the trouble and all the judging I will be subjected to.

Don't worry, I still have a head on my shoulders and I plan to keep it there.

Now, on my comic tumblr, I only have one person following me and you might think that's sad but THAT PERSON UNDERSTANDS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. She/he replied to one of my posts! I was so honored and felt like DAMN, FINALLY, SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS. Haha. It was a thrilling moment, to say the least. I was very happy. Like, THANK YOU GOD! Haha.

Really, it was a magical moment.

No one ever gets what the heck I'm going on and on about sometimes that it's really sad. I was really, genuinely happy. Be right back, crying in a corner in happiness. Ah, so thankful.

Ugh. I saw someone dissing Karlie Kloss and my immediate response was, "DIE.". Haha. I really like Karlie because she seems very real and very American girl. She's the epitome of an American girl, for me. She's tall, she's a cheerleader and is really living two lives, like how Hannah Montana lives two lives- just that it's real for her. I don't know how much of what I read about her can be trusted but she really seems like a nice person.

By the way, I do form impressions about people through other people's opinions but I'm happy to revise when I see something positive about them. It's just that for people I don't know and will probably never meet, it's hard to distinguish what are being feed to the public by the media and what's real. But for the record, I have a very good impression of Drake.

I might not like the guy but I've seen really positive stuff about him, so I pretty much approve of him until proven wrong. So yeah.

Freaking hell, I told myself I'm going to not follow models.com for anything anymore if they don't have Adriana Lima on top on the women's sexiest list and well, she's number one. I'm glad- no one could hold that spot. She's stunning. Everything about her screams woman to me and she's really funny. Plus, she boxes. That's the bit that sealed the deal for me. The models I really like -Alessandra, Adriana and Francisco- are Brazilians. I see a trend there.

Well, except for Freja Beha Erichsen. She's Danish.

I like a bunch of other people too but Freja is my favorite female model and Francisco's my favorite male model. Yup.

I'm kinda sleepy.

Bye.

never sell your heart away

2011-12-01T03:11:00.001+08:00

A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather.

That song's pretty good. I was so thankful that I went ahead and listened to it.

Ugh. I made a new tumblr to blabber about comics and reblog comics stuff but this is just random. I'm starting to honestly like Jason. I always like those cocky mother- Yeah. You know. I honestly can't tell you how much I adore Kirk from the Star Trek remake movie. As much as I like Spock, I like Kirk more- I'm glad they gave him that cocky side. (I might tell you why I like Kirk so much one day but for now, that's all.)

Nothing's up lately.

I watched Victoria's Secret recently- this year's. So hot but I wasn't feeling some of the outfits. Ugh. They gave Candice outfits that didn't really look good on her. Karlie was so awesome, she totally smashed it. Especially in "Aquatic Angels". I thought Adam Levine and Anne Vyalitsyna were cute. The surprise on her face when he kissed her was adorable.

For "Aquatic Angels", Miranda totally nailed it. She started off that section and oh, she nailed it so hard. Haha.

http://www.youtube.com/user/VdovinaHD#g/c/8A3713498B5A7918

The link for the full show, albeit in parts. Adriana and Alessandra were wonderful, as always. They are the two who really know how to put up a good show. They know how to make it playful and to have fun while doing the show. I especially liked the end when they held hands as they walked out for the finale. To name some more, I like Erin and Behati too! Pity Selita Ebanks is no longer on it though. I liked her, she was fun.

One of my favorite moments was when Karlie bust a dance move -a small sashay- before she ended the "Aquatic Angels" section. That was golden.

Loved the slow motion at work- those are cool. The ladies were all very pretty. :)

Oh, man. I laughed so hard at a post but I'm not quite sure I can share it here without corrupting minds. It's not really dirty but it hints at something that may make people uncomfortable? Oh, well. I won't say what's it about specifically but I'll tell you what it is. Sometimes, genius people create tumblrs or blogs or whatever where they role play as characters and...

I just read a post about someone asking Jason Todd and Tim Drake a question and laughed so hard at Jason's answer. The fandom made me really like the fellow and from what I see in "Brothers in Blood", I'm going to like him in the comics as well.

Sigh.

Gonna head to bed soon, after I'm done with reading the whole of that tumblr. Heh. Jason kicks ass!

Yeap.

isn't this weird?

2011-11-30T22:15:00.001+08:00

I found my wedding song.

It's a song that makes me so happy when I listen to it. I can't stop smiling when I listen to it. I bet there are tons of people who have this song played at their wedding. It's such a perfect song for a wedding and so beautiful. That's it. I'm going to memorize every word of the song. Haha. No hints about it!

:)

It just makes me happy.

this song makes me feel blue

2011-11-30T02:57:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I feel so happy,
Sometimes I feel so sad.
Sometimes I feel so happy,
But mostly you just make me mad.
Baby, you just make me mad.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

Thought of you as my mountain top,
Thought of you as my peak.
Thought of you as everything,
I've had but couldn't keep.
I've had but couldn't keep.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

If I could make the world as pure and strange as what I see,
I'd put you in the mirror,
I put in front of me.
I put in front of me.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

Skip a life completely.
Stuff it in a cup.
She said, Money is like us in time,
It lies, but can't stand up.
Down for you is up."
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

It was good what we did yesterday.
And I'd do it once again.
The fact that you are married,
Only proves, you're my best friend.
But it's truly, truly a sin.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

OH MY GOD

2011-11-30T02:36:00.001+08:00

OH MY GOD. I FOUND THE ORIGINAL. WOAH. My responses... LOL.

This was dated 31 December 2009.

When he stares at your mouth
*sticks out tongue* *enlarge nostrils* *screw up eyes*

When he pushes you or hits you like a dummie cause he thinks hes stronger than you
Rawr and tackle him~~ KILL THE OFFENDER! :D

When he starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
*raise an eyebrow at him* "I'm not some Barbie doll, you know, I wouldn't break." =.=

When he's quiet
*blink* *tilts head* *PROD* *PROD PROD*

When he ignores you
*makes face* *stick out tongue* *hmph!*

When he pulls away
*blink* ...give him some space...?

When you see him at his worst
(which worse? the BAD worst or the good worst?) Tease him and laugh at him~~ (I ish so nice, right?) :)

When you see him start crying
Wipe away his tears and pat him on the head :3 Play with his hair, wait till he feels better. See if he wants to talk.

When you see him walking
Call him on his phone and ask him to guess where I am. :D (So cliche. ^^;)

When he's scared
Hold his hand~ :)

When he steals your favorite hoodie
Steal his and wear it! :D

When he teases you
*scrunch up face* and start teasing him back or perhaps turning to bodily abuse. 8D

When he doesn't answer for a long time
Watch him... See what's wrong. If it's nothing then... *jump him!* Tickle? XD

When he looks at you with doubt
Grin at him. =D

When he says that he loves you
Go, "Awww" and hug him. ;D

When he grabs at your hands
Give him a scowl, wrestle my hands out and then fight him! :D

When he bumps into you
(...How?) Shoot him a suspicious look before "accidentally" bumping into him. XD

When he is Bored
Do something to surprise him. Either sweet or ...well, dramatic. 8D

when he cries
Hug him till he feels better. Rub him back, calm him down. :3 (Oh gosh, sounds like I'm a mom. Haha.)

When he want to break
Say okay, shrug and yeah. Go home, cry a bit, have some ice cream and that's it. Hopefully.

when he is sick
Force him to the doctor and help nurse him back to health~ YOU ARE CONFINED TO THE BED, MISTER!

When he is sad
try to cheer him up and start doing random things~~ Me shall not define it~~

When he tells you a secret
Smile and say, "Okie. I'll tell it to the whole world now~!" Haha, okay. Depends on what kind of secret luh. If it's a silly, good one, then I'll tease him to no end about it. :D If it's a bad one, then I'll promise to keep it, and give him a kiss on the cheek. :3

When he looks at you in your eyes
Look into his eyes.... *determined not to lose the staring competition*

When he says it's over
Mirror him. "It's over!" Storm off and go home, ICE CREAM~~~ My new best fwen~~

When he reposts this
...There's no he, ya know? :D

And when he says something and he doesnt mean it
*scrunch up face* HIT HIM! 8D

When he runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:
"What's wrong?" *spam comforting and hugs* XD

Definitely wouldn't want to know me at that point.

Gosh.

I AM QUITE CREEPED OUT BY MYSELF AT THIS POINT.

Ugh. I bet my brain was made out of cotton wool.

breathe

2011-11-30T02:23:00.001+08:00

Choking, gasping. Stumbling and crashing, tumbling straight first- Stop. No. I don't get- Collapsing. Rain drops pattering. Hollow bones. Dark. Dark all around. Blind. Eyes wide open. Stealing air and swirling dust. Left alone in the night. Don't believe. You are the- Piss off. Quiet down or everyone d- Mangoes in the sun. Before it fades. Cancer, silk, illness. Xavier with Javier. Zephyr in the zoo. Joking. Kidding. Love. Lies. Wishes. Orange storm with yellow lime. Restart. Forget. Everyone. Everything. Time starts to pa- Adrenaline. Floating through. Hush, hush. Death. Sorry. Apple. Pears. Can you see- Very funny. Not here. Blast it! God is watching. Jousting. Ultimatum. In the end. Yesterday comes again. Oh. Nothing left. We are the ones. Slit your throats. Bare your souls. Better off. Hello, hello. Tearing through veins and digging out arteries. Blood on your hands. Murder on your tab. Listen. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Pretend to live. Die instead. Lie to yourself. Make excuses. Feel bad about it. Resolve to do something more. Nothing happens. Repeat. Repeat. Sleepless nights. Evil chasing you around the bed post. Hands around your neck, fingers gripped tight. Everything's going too fast. Everyone's leaving now, they're already gone. Becoming too honest, being too blatant, where are the lies now? How many times are you going to do this? Will this last forever. You aren't asking. You're already resigning. They were once beautiful. It's time to let go. Still drowning. Forgot how to swim. Going to die. No one to blame. How can you do this to yourself? Holding back. Wishing for a slap. Kill me, just kill me now! Bang, bang. You only have one life. Bang, bang. It's too late for you to die. Knife in the ribs, bullet in the brain. Don't take the easy way out. If you get through this, you can get through it again next time. Hah. Bitter laughter spilling out of hoarse throats. Sharp fingernails biting unsuspecting palms, forming crescent moons. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Forget yourself. You seem to be best at that, aren't yo

drinking to an early awakening

2011-11-30T02:16:00.001+08:00

So yeah, we're going down.

Prompt: Write about a heart that wouldn't quit.

California Jackson resisted the urge to groan aloud and release his pent up anger on some poor clueless soul. In little over an hour, he had been scouting the area in search of a certain student council president. At the beginning, he cursed himself for caring too much but as time went by, he became genuinely worried. Julian Prince was no weakling but Cal knew his neighborhood was not one a teenage boy can wander about alone.

All he wanted to do at the moment was to get the other boy back into his home. Winter was fast approaching and already, there was a chill in the air. Secretly, he was glad that his mother forced him to wear an extra layer when he told her he was going to look for Julian.

Julian Prince. The recent source of all his headaches. He wanted to say that Julian was simple in terms of personality but he would be lying to everyone and especially to himself. Just last week, he realized that the other boy had a controlling mother who wanted only the best from the son. Julian was so firmly pressed under her thumb that Cal was surprised he could breathe at all. In a rare show of rebellion, the boy had left his own home and came to live with Cal. Julian said that he was going to see his mother today but it was already midnight and he was still not back yet.

From the corner of his eye, he spied a small dingy diner and was about to bypass it until he saw a familiar head of dirty blond hair. Slowing from his jog, he plunged both hands into his pockets and tilted his head to the sky, breathing deeply. A little bemusedly, he wondered if he was catching his breath or simply preparing himself for what was to come.

The dirty glass door opened with a slight creak and the soft ring of a bell but no one looked up. The patrons of the place were mostly occupied with the drinks in their hands. The place was rather small and filled with dim, yellow light that only added to the foreboding atmosphere of the place. Yet somehow, Cal could feel some sort of calm from this place, as though it came out from a cowboy film in the 1990s. It was rare to find a gem like this in the city.

The tables and chairs were wooden and old chalk menus spread across the wall above the counter which doubled as a bar. Julian was off by a corner himself, taking swallows from a large glass. The bartender, a bald older man with a graying beard and a flannel shirt on, looked at him with a expressionless look as he wiped a glass. "Need a drink, sonny?" he asked in a gruff voice.

"No, thanks," Cal mumbled back before sliding in next to Julian. "Hey," he said softly, "I've been looking for you."

Julian spared Cal a glance but only turned back to his glass and took another healthy chug. Cal wrinkled his nose and snatched the glass in Julian's hands to take a generous swallow. It was good old beer that burned all the way down to his stomach. "How did you get this?" he asked Julian a little suspiciously.

"He," Julian started with a gesture in the direction of the bartender, "placed it down in front of me the moment I sat down. He said it's his treat so I figured I might as well make best of it."

"Would it be too late for me to say, 'But you don't drink!' or 'You're underage!'?" Cal asked with a hint of playfulness.

That earned him a slight glare and an even smaller shrug. Julian murmured, "At this point, it doesn't matter what I do or don't." Having said that, he took the glass back and finished everything that was left. Cal shifted a little uncomfortably on his seat and opened his mouth only to close it again. He was never good at playing the good listening friend. In fact, he rather let his actions speak for themselves but Julian was another case entirely. It seemed as though a touch, particularly at this point of time, will break him completely.

Then he sighed and decided to wing it. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked sincerely, looking straight into the dark hazel eyes.

Julian placed his crossed arms onto the table and laid his head atop them. His eyes met Cal's light blue ones with a languid expression. Then he sighed and straightened, supporting his head with his chin on his palm instead. For a few moments, he was quiet. Then he said, "Today is my father's death anniversary."

Cal, surprisingly and smartly, opted to remain quiet.

"He died when I was ten. My mother never loved him but they put on a show for me. I could still see the truth, of course, but I was happy then. After he died, my mother seemed to have shut down for a while. In that instance, I wondered if I was wrong. Maybe she had loved him after all. Not in the way a couple loved each other but perhaps a way a sister would love her brother. There was no passion or heat but there was trust and safeness. For a while, she was a little lost and unhappy. Then all of a sudden, she directed her negative emotions on me. She never blamed his death on me or anything- we both knew it was a accident that happened on the roads. But all of a sudden, she wanted me to be the best and become a man he could be proud of. Her intentions were good but her methods needed polishing. I didn't want to disappoint her, so I tried my best. But slowly, it took a toll on me, so I decided I had enough. We met at his grave today and I told her that he would have never wanted this. You know what she did? She slapped me. She slapped me for telling her the truth."

Cal hesitated a moment before placing an arm around Julian's shoulders. The other boy's eyes were shut tight as he took shallow breaths. "You make it seem so easily," Julian whispered hoarsely.

Suddenly, the arm dropped and Cal went cold. "What do you mean?" he asked in a low voice, barely containing the numerous emotions colliding in him.

"Your mother accepts you and loves you no matter who you are or choose to be. You have one heck of a voice and excel in basketball even though you don't really play. You get good grades even though you don't seem like your heart is in it. You have an older brother who loves you so. You're comfortable with yourself and aren't afraid of showing that to others."

"Don't play games with me, Julian," Cal warned in a low voice, "You know that's not true. You're being unfair."

"What? You're going to deny everything that I said?"

"No. But I know what you're trying to do. I'm not going to do this for you. I put in effort too and I'm not where I am now without a whole lot of drama and people going behind my back- talking, gossiping and God knows what. You can't write everything off like that. There's nothing you could say to make all that hurt I felt and the trouble I had gone through to get to where I am now. You can't play the pity game. You worked hard too- I know that. But you have to accept that I did, too. My mother is the same woman who slept with a gay guy twice, allowed him to break her heart twice and let him walk out of the door. You think that's easy? You think it's easy for her to live with us knowing that we're the children of a man whom she can never have because she was born a female? I don't play attention in classes because teachers bore me but when I get back home, I work twice as hard to make sure I get the material. So don't ever put me down just because you want to feel better."

"Sorry, Cal- I didn't mean it that way-"

A bitter laugh. "Sure, you didn't mean it that way. Then what way did you mean it?"

"It's just that I work so damn hard to get everything I had! My mother wanted so much from me and I did everything I can just to please her. I was average but I worked so many hours a day on school work to make sure I'm above average. I run and do high jump and I train long after everyone is gone to make sure I can be the best or at least, somewhere damn close to that. Then all of a sudden, you dropped by the practice the other day to clear a height that I trained months for. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"I'm not apologizing for what I can do. It's true that no matter what anyone says about hard work and talent, there are times when natural talent triumphs all. I don't enjoy sports but I just happened to do pretty good in it. So what? I don't think my passion can ever match up to those who do sports and love it. You're not ranked fourth fastest in our entire school because you just started running for fun, did you? I checked up and it said you were fiftieth in your first year. Two years gone by and you're in top ten. That didn't happen overnight. You might not be number one but it's still good. Don't cheapen my efforts, Jules and don't put down yours. You're great and you shouldn't doubt yourself just because there's someone better than you."

"Do you think someone who just started something can compare to someone who's doing it their whole lives?"

"Sure. Why not? But that person has to be extremely committed and not believe that he or she can triumph someone who's been doing this for a good number of years if he or she just wings it."

"Hmm..."

"Jules?"

"Yeah?"

"You know that thing about shooting for the moon and if you miss, you'll end in the stars?"

"Yeah? What about it?"

"You should decide what you want for yourself and when you do, shoot for the fucking sun. Don't let yourself have anything less. That's nothing short of what you're capable of and you should just go ahead for it. There are so many other hopefuls but people get daunted by competition and forget what they can do. Don't go there. Just believe in yourself and charge through like a bull. Alright?"

"Yeah." Julian looked at Cal for a long moment before he smiled and said, "Thank you."

"No problem," Cal replied with a smile of his own. Then a sly grin overtook his face and said, "So, are you prepared to take care of the other thing?"

"What other thing-" Julian started before realizing what Cal meant and blushed hotly, "No! I'm not ready! I need to deal with my mother and all my other issues first!"

"Alright. You're not being fair to Christie though," Cal said softly.

"I know," Julian replied as he sighed softly.

Cal just grinned and said, "You know I'll be waiting for you anyway."

P.S. One day I'm going to show people just how fucking Asian I am. Or fucking Chinese, at least. (You know, grades and studies wise.)

you might not know it

2011-11-30T02:10:00.001+08:00

I had a heart then.

I look at my old writings and I'm either impressed by what I've written or terribly disturbed because it looks like something a primary school kid cannot write for it is too atrocious. Of course, my recent stuff and the stuff from last year usually gets the first reaction. Anything from long ago gets the second reaction.

Ugh. I'm going to post some of my old stuff again, if only to get that prom post out of my face.

By now, anyone who needs to see it has probably already seen it, so it's time to make sure it gets onto the next page.

Oh, yes. I have a tumblr. I'm not telling anyone the URL though- you can find it yourself. Nope, not even a hint. I am just mentioning this because it would be great if I can reblog certain posts at this moment. I'll just look for some stories that I wrote before to fill up the posts.

Sorry, don't feel like blogging at the moment, so you'll have to make do with old material- stuff that's of prettty good quality, if I may say so myself.

Yeap.

doing this again (I like this one, haha)

2011-11-29T23:46:00.001+08:00

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside.

When he stares at your mouth
Cover it quickly and slap him on the knee. Then give him a cheeky smile.

When he pushes you or hits you like a dummie cause he thinks hes stronger than you
Stick out my tongue and prove him wrong.

When he starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Start cursing back and going on bitchy on him. That stupid $*#&# deserved it. Haha.

When he's quiet
Stare at him and start poking him. Or surprise him.

When he ignores you
I. Will. Not. Be. Ignored. *proceeds to do all I can to make him not ignore me any more*

When he pulls away
Give him some space. He probably needs it then.

When you see him at his worst
Hug him and say that he looks best like that. (Here I'm assuming worst means his true and natural form.)

When you see him start crying
Wipe away his tears and ask if he wants to talk.

When you see him walking
Strut up to him and say, "Hey sexy, you look like you could use some company. So, you free?"

When he's scared
Laugh at him and call him names.

When he steals your favorite hoodie
Oh, well. He has a wardrobe too. (MORE FOR ME TO STEAL. Wahahaha.)

When he teases you
Scrunch up my nose and ignore him.

When he doesn't answer for a long time
"You're not... PREGNANT, ARE YOU?!"

When he looks at you with doubt
Start wriggling my eyebrows and look at him with that perverted look.

When he says that he loves you
Look offended. "I already know. Damned if I don't love you too."

When he grabs at your hands
Pull away teasingly and grab his instead.

When he bumps into you
Look horrified before "accidentally" bumping back into him.

When he is Bored
Lick him on the cheek and say he tastes bad.

when he cries
Lean against his back and wait for him to stop.

When he want to break
Ask for a reason. Ask him to stare into my eyes. If he's serious, then so be it. I won't take him back no matter what. I have my pride.

when he is sick
Force him to seek professional attention and then go bug him about what the doctor said. THEN nurse him back to health.

When he is sad
Try to cheer him up and do all the things he likes together.

When he tells you a secret
Blackmail him into telling me more. (This WILL be recorded for future usage...)

When he looks at you in your eyes
Blink. LOTS of times.

When he says it's over
Shrug. Then leave. And never come back.

When he reposts this
....Who, again?

And when he says something and he doesnt mean it
BITE HIM. Evil bunny.

When he runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:
"Did you stub your toe again? You big baby."

When he stares at your mouth
Open it. Bonus if I happen to be eating at that time. (SCORE ONE!)

When he pushes you or hits you like a dummie cause he thinks hes stronger than you
Frown and wait until his guard is down before tackling him to the ground. Tickle attack! (I hope he's ticklish or that's no fun.)

When he starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Raise an eyebrow at him. 'I can take care of myself perfectly, bitch, you ought to know that by now.'

When he's quiet
Start playing with his hand and start talking about random things.

When he ignores you
Ignore him back. Two can play this childish game. I will not crave, damn it! (I'll probably be the one giving in though, drats.)

When he pulls away
Hide the hurt and give him his space.

When you see him at his worst
Burst out laughing and say, "You never look sexier, baby! Wow! All that mud and greasy hair!" Die laughing.

When you see him start crying
Wipe away his tears and start distracting him- in whatever way that works. If he's in the mood, he'll talk. If not, then it's okay.

When you see him walking
Nudge my friend or whoever and say, "Damn, who's that fine fellow?" in a loud, obnoxious tone.

When he's scared
Laugh at him. "HAHA! You big baby! You're scared of that monster made from computer graphics? What kind of man are you- EEK-" Let's face it. If he's scared, I probably am, too. We'll be cowering behind our pillows like the pair of cowards we are.

When he steals your favorite hoodie
I'll make sure he steals the pink one (not that I have one- I need to buy one, one day...) and say, "Pink's not your color." And smile when I take out one of his hoodies that I've stolen some time ago.

When he teases you
Scrunch up my nose and make sound effects for my displeasure. If he goes too far, I'm going to tackle him.

When he doesn't answer for a long time
"You know how is it for females during that time of the month? The blood just gushes out in a-" Continue with the detailed, grotesque descriptions.

When he looks at you with doubt

Hug him! Then puff my chest out and hit it with a fist, along with a self satisfied smile on my face.

When he says that he loves you

"More than words," I'll reply, along with "You're my wonderwall."

When he grabs at your hands

Grab them back and entwine them together.

When he bumps into you

Pretend to be offended before pushing him over with all my strength.

When he is Bored

Start doing something weird. Like pretend to be a 5 year old boy and saying he's a girl who has cooties.

when he cries

Wipe away his tears and hold him when they don't stop.

When he want to break

Shrug and hide all the emotions deep within. "If that's what you want, then alright."

when he is sick

Force him to see the damn doctor because he needs to be completely well! Then, nurse him back to health and treat him like a big baby while I'm at it.

When he is sad
Tell him something random or start singing.

When he tells you a secret
Smile and bring it up the next time I want something or to surprise him. Score for me if I manage to embarrass him. For the not serious secrets, yeah. For the serious ones, I'll say, "Thank you" and keep them safe with me.

When he looks at you in your eyes

ENGAGE IN STARING CONTEST, NOW.

When he says it's over
"You are absolutely sure?" If he says yes, walk away without looking back. He's obviously done and never going to come back.

When he reposts this
....There is no 'he'.

And when he says something and he doesnt mean it
"You're fat, you're ugly, you're nothing. I don't mean it, but it hurts, right?"

When he runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:

"Woah, man. Calm yo tits. Did you watch another romantic movie again or something?" Hahahaha. (Sorry, I can't take 'runs up to you crying' seriously. It just sounds ridiculous.)

The first one I did a long time ago, the second one I just finished. I liked the first one more though. Haha. It's more fun but the second one is more true, I suppose.

a conversation I would have with my father were he dead and imaginary

2011-11-24T01:47:00.001+08:00

"Are you disappointed in me?" she asked suddenly but clearly and without a stutter.

"Excuse me?" her father replied and flipped the newspaper he was reading in half to give her one of his famous stares. The reading glasses he had on were perched precariously on the bridge of his nose and his head was tilted down so he looked at her critically through his lashes. His eyebrows were raised and along with it, the wrinkles that were hidden on his forehead.

She looked back at him defiantly and replied firmly, "You heard me."

With a wistful smile, he placed the newspaper down on the small table beside him and shifted into a more comfortable position in his leather armchair. "Well," he began but stopped for a moment, trying to find the right words. After a pregnant pause, he simply shrugged and replied, "I don't know, really."

At that, she gave him a frown and an incredulous, "What do you mean you don't know?"

He eyed her warily, as though she was a ticking bomb about to explode. Then, perhaps deciding his young daughter was not too mighty a force to be reckoned with, he shrugged again and told her the truth. "You know what I mean," he sighed meaningfully, "I don't know what you are. You're sure as hell not my prized stallion but you're not the one I'm worried about. As long as you get somewhere, I don't think I'll be disappointed in you."

For a long time, she simply sat there digesting what he said. He was almost about to pick up his newspaper again when he heard her speak once more, scarcely above a whisper, "Does that mean you... don't have any expectations at all for me?" Upon hearing that, he exhaled noisily through his nose and struggled to find the right words once more.

"You know," he started and looked her in the eyes but at last, turned away at the intensity of her gaze, "I felt like I lost the right to be your father ever since I cheated on your mother." He could see her flinch from the corner of his eye and felt the tiniest twinge of guilt but he brushed it away and continued, "I keep telling your mother that you no longer need me but truth is, I no longer know how to be your father. What should I say? What should I do? Everything seems inappropriate when we have the heavy truth weighing down the space between us such that simple conversation is near impossible."

Even when his head turned away, he could see her shrug and she replied feebly, "You could have tried."

"And do what?" he scoffed, "Make everything better? Lyra, you should know better that some actions cannot be taken back. Nothing more I could say or do can erase all the hurt that you felt when you found out and the days you feel so down because of it."

Again, she slipped into silence. It bore down heavily on him and his conscience. With a deep sigh, he brought up his left hand and leaned his forehead against it, his elbow on his armrest. His hand blocked his view of his daughter and he sighed once more. "What?" he murmured, "Don't have any questions for me? About my reasons and all that? That's all your mother ever screams about when she's here."

When she heard that, she probably looked up because he could see her body shift slightly. In a soft voice, she asked, "Mummy comes here?"

His smile was rueful as he replied, "They all come here. All my children and women. They come here to visit and they talk to me. Sometimes, we don't even talk. After all, there's a reason why there's a bed here."

A beat of silence again before she groaned and said, "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."

His response was a slight chuckle and he replied, "I take my amusements where I can but your siblings, they don't talk much. The only one I can have a normal conversation with is Lynette. We talk about other things, about anything other than everything we should be talking about. It's both awkward and superficial but refreshing, nonetheless."

"I..." she paused, then breathed out heavily, "I don't need reasons."

"Oh?" he mumbled but he could feel her hesitation like it was almost tangible. "But?" he prompted.

"I just want to know what you feel about me," she revealed slowly, almost tenderly and immediately after she said it, she fell silent, as though regretting the words that had tumbled out of her mouth. This time, he joined her in her silence and for a long time, neither so much as whispered a word. Then, his left hand fell back into his lap once more and he looked at his daughter properly.

Her back was slightly hunched and she was playing with her fingers in her lap. Her gaze was pointedly directed away from him and her hair was cropped short. In front of him was his daughter but she felt like a stranger to him. Perhaps he never made the effort to know her or perhaps, even if he did, she would still be a stranger to him. He could not understand her, not more than he could understand his wife. The thing is, he knew how to make use of his wife, he knew her buttons and her weaknesses. His daughter? This daughter?

He had not a clue how to go about it.

Rattling his brains, he tried to find something fitting for the statement she threw out. "When you were young..." he began but drifted away for a bit, remembering the past memories. After he cleared his throat, he began once more, "When you were young, I used to take you around in the car when I ran my errands. You sat in my lap while I drove around."

Well, fancy that. He managed to elicit a smile from her but it went as fast as it came and she turned on him with bright, accusing eyes. The question in them was apparent. What did this have to do with what she wanted to know?

"Yes," she replied impatiently, "one of my earliest memories was sitting in between your thighs and staring straight at the steering wheel."

"I don't have a purpose in bringing that up," he stated and avoided her reproachful glance, "but it was from one of my happier times." When she heard that, her harsh expression softened, although it did not exactly fade from her face. As though scrubbing his face of any expressions, he ran a hand over his face. "I want all my children to go through university because I never got that far. That's the minimum I require from all of you."

"Yes," she repeated once more with a furrow at her brow, "But what about me?"

His eyes stared straight at her when he gave her his answer. "Nothing," he said tonelessly, "I don't have anything."

With that just, he effectively killed her spirit and he could see it in her slumped shoulders and dejected facial expression. Inwardly, he groaned once more. This one was as emotional as his wife and these types were a pain to deal with but in her defense, he made her seem worthless. 'That might not be too fair from the truth,' he added silently in his head but he kept his snide remarks contained in his head. After all, anyone whom he could not have benefited from was what he deemed worthless.

"Look, kiddo," he grumbled, "I don't have any expectations of you because I want you to have your own. I might not be a good father but I'll allow you to have freedom when it comes to something like this. You can choose, like I allowed your sisters to. You should always do what you want so that you won't end up miserable."

"Is that why you're miserable?" she shot back.

"Because I'm not doing what I want to?" he asked and she nodded after a beat. He shrugged once more. "I wasn't happy but I wasn't unhappy either. But that state in-between slowly began to wear down on me and I had to do something -anything- to dispel it before it got to the worse of me. I wanted to find happiness but maybe it's not something you find after all."

"Like oneself?"

"Exactly. I never really understood why you got into all those moods and how you preached about 'finding yourself'. I mean, you're already here. All you got is yourself and you've got to make it work, no matter what situation you are in at the time. You need to find out what works for you. Your own person is not what you discover, it's what you make."

"I don't know."

"What don't you know?" he cried suddenly, "You have to stop telling yourself that, Lyra. Just because you think that doesn't give you an excuse for not doing anything. You're just lying to yourself."

Her eyes pierced into him. "Oh," she said in a soft, dangerous tone, "So you think just because you're no longer breathing, you get to nitpick on all my weaknesses? You, who ran away?"

The latter part of her reply made him flinch but he regained his composure and simply looked stonily at her. Her lips lifted in an unfeeling smile, having won a small, useless victory. "How did you'll take it? No one really confronts it head on like you do." He said the latter in an almost resentful tone but she took no notice and answered the question he asked.

"We were all expecting it, so no one really cared. Mummy was weeping though, but you know her. Blind to all your faults until they forced her to admit their existence. She's a dreamer, like I am, a romantic and emotional, to boot."

"You have more sense in your head than hers," he remarked lightly and scored a slight grimace from her.

"So you say," she replied softly and without heat.

Then, again, no words breached the void between them, as though there were no words adequate enough to fill it anymore. They were both content to remain silent this time, no longer searching for the right things to say, but simply lost in their own thoughts. He scrubbed his face again with his fingers, as though trying to erase his face altogether. She sat there in the exact same position as before, back still hunched.

When she looked up at him again, her eyes were dull and her face weary. "I took Lucas to school to get his results today," she sighed.

"How was it?" he asked obligingly.

"Terrible," she laughed- a mirthless, somber laugh. "This is the first time in a while he has been civil to me and it's only a day with such bad news. I'm very sure the boy hates me."

"No, not hate," her father soothed absentmindedly, "I would say he disliked you strongly." He received a pointed look but he only shrugged in response. "He's a boy. There will probably sisters he like, the ones he tolerate and those he preferred not to associate with unless the circumstances are dire. That'll be you."

"Ah, well," she sighed.

"What about you?" he heard himself ask, as though listening to another ask such a question.

"Me?" she asked in surprise with her eyebrows nearly joining her hairline. "What about me?"

"Yes," he said for confirmation, staring at her like he did in the beginning. Exhaling loudly through his nose, he elaborated, "Next January, you're going to get your own results. How do you feel about that?"

Her answer was only a shrug but she hesitated once more and he gestured at her, willing her to carry on. "I know I'm going to do abysmally. It's not only my worst fears. I know it's going to happen. I didn't even study, I didn't even put in any effort. I'm going to disappoint everyone." The last part came out in a small whisper.

"So what?" he replied brusquely and shrugged indifferently as she looked at him indignantly. "You made a mistake. You're still young. Try again. Do something that shocks even you. Make sure you succeed next time. Do whatever you want to do. Just don't let one failure define you forever. In the end, grades aren't the most important thing. Don't cry then because you deserve it and you don't get to shed any tears because of that. Laugh, be jolly. You know what to expect. Embrace it. Treat it like an old friend. Then abandon it and continue on your way, finding newer, stronger friends but keep it at the back of your mind. You might not be very useful but I know for sure you're not worthless."

"Thanks," she said with a sigh.

"You're welcome," he replied, "it's the least I could do. Is that all?"

"I'm pretty sure I left some things out," she mumbled thoughtfully, "but those can wait."

He smiled reluctantly and bitterly as he spoke the words that felt foreign on his tongue, "Alright then. You can tell those another time when you come back. After all, I am all but a shadow now, mere ashes in the urn. No longer any use any more."

"Lily still doesn't believe you cheated on Mummy and she still doesn't believe you're dead. She writes notes, still, to claim money, only to crumple them when she remembered you ran away and that you no longer breathe," she said with a wistful smile.

"Lily, that stubborn cow," he shook his head, "I always thought she was too headstrong for her own good."

She only smiled and this one was mysterious and slightly supercilious but she flickered and within instances, she was gone.

He sighed and picked up his newspaper once more, waiting for another visitor to entertain him.

so dumb so long

2011-11-22T00:08:00.001+08:00

One, two, three, all my boys and girls.

Firstly, I would like to apologize for breaking my... promise? Was it even a promise? Anyway, sorry for using the computer even though I said I wouldn't for a week. Nice to know I'm severely lacking in self discipline and control. Those things are virtually non-existent in me or they have shrunken so small that they cannot be utilized.

Well, I just felt like if I don't get this over and done with, the photos I took will never see the light of the day again. Haha. Yeah, I needed to get this done tonight so it's out of my mind for good. I know I still owe some people a photo post that I was supposed to get done but I was too damn lazy to get about to doing it, so.... I'm sorry!

Now, about prom.

I expected it to be a banal affair. It's true. For some odd reason, I find myself unable to fully enjoy school events. Perhaps it's because I don't exactly love my school- like I said, it's okay in providing the most basic needs but when it comes to the others, it doesn't exactly match up. Or the fact that I have a pitiful amount of friends. Haha. I'm just not someone you would love as a friend, I suppose.

Anyway, it was better than I expected, probably because it was off to such a rocky start. I was so amused, which is pretty great considering the fact that I could have been sulky all night. Also, something good came out of going to prom, which I will elaborate upon soon.

So.. I better start!

I was supposed to go with Yujia and Lijie at first- Lijie would come to my house and then we would head to Yujia's house and then Yujia's parents or whoever would fetch us to the venue. However, at the last minute, Yujia said that she had to go to her aunt's house to get her makeup done. (Her aunt was originally supposed to come over to her house.)

Therefore, I ended up going with Lijie in a taxi but it was alright. I like that woman. Haha. Eek! From the very start, I was already doomed. The sole of my left boot came off. I thought that it would be okay but in the end, when Lijie and I arrived at the hotel, the whole front part of my boot dropped off!

Really! It was something from a movie where a girl fails so hard at a dance and gets all the pity glances and harsh, rude laughter at her.

My boots had a heel at the back and a platform part in the front. Upon walking into the hotel, the other platform part of my boot dropped out! Within minutes of my arrival, my shoes already crashed and burned. There was nothing left to salvage. At first, I was a bit shocked and it was quite embarrassing because there were a bunch of people who witnessed it.

In the end, I was just simply amused. I mean, I was pretty sure I was going to make a fool of myself in some way, I just didn't expect it to be this way. Really, I was so terribly amused that I was quite surprised that I was not more upset and disgruntled about it. At first, I was mock whining about not having shoes and being short but in reality, I was alright with that.

See. I have grown from that whiny brat who only knew how to complain and make a scene.

Then, Tiange arrived soon after and we headed up. At that point, when we were up there, I saw Joanne and then I just went to her without thinking. Just like that, we made up. Both of us had a falling out in February, I think, or somewhere there. From then on, we never talked to each other or anything. Today, when I saw her standing against the wall with Peiwen, I just went to her and it was golden.

Turns out that both of us thought the other was angry with her when that's not the case at all. We both got over it a long time ago, I think, just that we never really made up. It felt really good to be talking to her again and being friends again. I definitely missed her. :) That's one good thing that came out of prom, really.

After that, I was pretty sure that no matter what happens, my night was already one of the best I had in a while because of that. :)

Ahhh! So happy! Haha. Photo time! I'll just comment with a paragraph or so below the photo itself.

WARNING: My boobs look like they're going to fall out of my dress most of the time. HAHA. YEAH. Sorry! I might not look glamorous at times, so forgive me. My arms are too big! Eek! Oh, well. That's not the most important thing. I got photos with a whole lot of people I love and like very much, so I'm thankful. I even took with some random people. Haha. Sorry for the blurry shots! The photos with me in them and most likely not taken by me, so yeah.. Thanks whoever!

Note: My computer is wonky and gave out last night! Sorry!

Lijie and I.

I think this girl is dang awesome. We've been friends for a while now and it's awesome. She's someone I can really talk crap with and I already arranged a date with another friend to steal her cable. She has all the channels including Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, MTV and all. I'm so jealous. Haha. Those are the stuff my childhood is made of, so I really wish I still had them. Lord knows I want to laze in bed watching cartoons all day.

Me and Tiange.

Tiange's quite different from most of us and she's definitely going to be walking some other path. She's too cool for Singapore and us kids! Haha. I like how she's not wearing a dress, yo! (Sorry, I think I'm high or something...) She was commenting on how everyone has clutches while she's holding on to her own wallet! Haha. I was so terribly amused by that. Tiange looks so cool. Haha. My other friend Jerlene was saying that she's very shuai (Chinese for handsome). Yeap, she looks suave, alright!

Me and Tiange

Full body shot! Here, you can see my dress. I wasn't wearing shoes! Haha. Sorry, I am still so amused by that fact. I purposely tip-toed whenever I took a photo with someone. I originally wanted to wear another black dress but this dress looked more flattering on me, so yeah. It made me feel a little guilty because I wasted money to buy the other dress... This dress is my sister's! Her friends bought it for her 21st birthday and I felt a bit bad wearing it but she says she's okay with it because the dress is too big for her.

Tiange and Jiahui.

Tiange looks scary in this photo. Haha. She doesn't have a camera, so I was tasked to take photos of her with other people too! I thought Jiahui looked nice, although she was lugging a Fila backpack around in her arms, which looked a bit odd... Jiahui's one of those girls I really admire because she's very genuine and tries her hardest. She's not exactly normal (that's the condition for being friends with Tiange.. Haha, kidding, kidding!) but she's strange in a cute, endearing way. Love walking to the MRT with her.

Yujia and I.

This fellow! We've been friends for a long time, us. It really helps that we live so close to each other. For once, she looked pretty nice. This one's a crazy person. I still remember when we met in secondary one. I was completely drenched in water and she's glad to be dry. What a contrast, eh. Haha. But we became friends and that's that. She told me that she took photos with lots of random people- some that she doesn't even talk to! Haha.

Tiange.

Full body shot of her!

Jiahui.

Full body shot of her!

Joanne and I.

JOANNE. I AM SO HAPPY WE GOT THINGS SORTED OUT. OH MY GOD, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THANKFUL I AM. Haha, honestly though! We had a stupid falling out and then because of misunderstandings, we didn't clear it up! I wrote her a pretty harsh note, so I was sorry about that. It felt so, so good to be talking to her again. It's like Nwoye finding the "poetry of the new religion". Haha. It was at that moment that I knew, no matter how the night went, it would not daunt me in any way because I made up with one of the people I love. :) Oh, gosh, I sound so cheesy and air-headed. Haha. Joanne's focused and determined, so I'm pretty sure she'll go wherever she wants to and excel!

Yuting and I.

Ah, this girl. I have mixed feelings about her. On one hand, I think she's awesome because she's so childish and yet, so smart and all. She reminds me much of how I used to be in primary school. That is the exact thing I hate about her at the same time. She's way too naive and childish that I fear for her future. HOW IS SHE GOING TO SURVIVE IN THE BIG, BAD WORLD?! Haha. She'll make it somehow, though, I think. Anyway, it's always fun around her, if only to see her being ignored as she prattles on... Sorry! Haha.

Tiange.

Pimp shot, yo!

Tiange.

Close up of pimp shot!

Joan and I.

This girl is gorgeous. I think she's the prettiest girl that night, which is something tough to say because there were so many pretty girls! Her makeup seemed really natural and I just really think she's naturally good looking. Anyway, Joan is a joy. She's made of awesomeness and rainbows and butterflies and all the things that makes a person shine brighter than the stars. I've said a few times that if I were a guy, I'll definitely want her as my girlfriend! Haha. I said before that she doesn't have a filter from her brain to her mouth though! She says the oddest things sometimes. Haha. She's also very into food! :)

Me and Jiehui.

Okay, sorry but I was chuckling at the blurred shot of Fangning at the back. Haha. This girl is lovely. She really feels very motherly at times, in a good way and not that old naggy way! She's probably one of the more sensible people and one to keep her head in conflicts or problems! I thought she looked pretty tonight! Haha. Joan and her are always together and their conversations are quite ridiculous at times. They both really like food~

Me, Tiange and Joanne.

We were originally sitting at the vegetarian table but changed because we didn't want to get vegetarian food. Sorry! However, I think that after spending seventy dollars, we should eat our fill of what we want. Also, this is such an unflattering shot of me! Haha. Oh, well. I'm not good at taking photos like that.

First dish.

I often forgot to take photos of the food! This is a typical starter with spring rolls, octopus, duck, prawn with rock melon cubes and jellyfish. They were all not bad. I thought the jellyfish was not too bad because last time I tried jellyfish, it just tasted like a blob of chewy plastic. Yucks! Personally, I liked the spring roll and the prawn the most. The small rock melon pieces were great too!

First dish.

A closer photo.

Me, Tiange and Joanne.

...I'm tired of commenting... Haha. Reminds me so much of the good old days.

Me and Yvonne.

OH THIS WOMAN. I LOVE HER. Hahahaha! It's true though. Yvonne's one cool chick! She's the girl I would bring home to my parents and marry if I were a guy! It's so hard to talk about how awesome she is because she's indescribable. Haha. Oh, I look so awkward in these photos. Ah, well. Just look at her face and you'll know she's something to be reckoned with! She kept saying she looked drunk in the photos. Haha. High on life, I should think! She looks really glamorous and pretty. I really hope she stays happy forever and continue to be this cool.

Chicken.

I don't remember what dish this is anymore. Is it the second? Short term memory, yes. The chicken was good though. The meat was very tender and soft. The salt that accompanied was a tad too salty and tasted a bit odd but it was good, nonetheless.

Fish.

The fish was okay, I suppose. Somehow, over the years, I developed a very mild dislike of whole fish like that. I don't think it's the taste- it's more of the hassle that goes into eating it. Haha. I just don't know how to eat these types of fish! The sauce was good though. I think it was a sort of thai sauce and the chili in it was good.

Me, Jiayi and Tiange.

Ah, her. THIS WOMAN IS CRAZY, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES. Haha. Okay, okay! I'm joking. (I think.) Alright. I think Jiayi's so cool in so many ways. She has a dang awesome memory and can recite facts and quotations seemingly off the top of her head! But sometimes, she has this very cold, snide side that's not afraid to give her opinion in a very harsh, blunt way. While I think she might be a bit too harsh at times, I like that side of hers. Everyone should cower before her. Haha. She's something else, this girl.

Jiayi and Tiange.

Me and Jiayi.

HAHA. Why are my eyes closed! Why does she look like she want to run away from me!

Keni and I.

I think Keni's awesome! Haha. Yeah, I think the whole world's awesome. (Remember, these are the people I want to take photo with, so I'm bound to have a good opinion of them!) Look at her so pretty and glamorous. She's actually not like that at all... Haha. Alright, alright, I won't spoil her image. I think she's really funny at times and without even meaning to, most of the time. She's great when she's serious but a chore to work with when she's goofing around.

Tiange and Keni.

Will not be commenting on photos without me in them because it's not my place to do so. So there.

Jerlene and I.

I think Jerlene doesn't like me very much. Or at least, I harassed her too many times for her to not like me very much. Haha. But I like Jerlene and I love how serious she is. She's always learning from her mistakes and progressing. She's someone who will be very successful in the future. I think she looks really pretty tonight! I really admire how she's so serious and works really hard. That's the impression she gives me, anyway. I've seen her at work during recess one too many times.

Tiange and Jerlene.

Fanglin and I.

Yay! I like Fanglin! Haha. We're not very close friends but I have always enjoyed her company. We were supposed to be exercise buddies but stopped because I was not too keen on getting tanned because of the sun. If there's something I dislike, it's tan lines! Can't stand them. When I approached her for a photo, she thought I was going to mess up her hair! Haha. That speaks a lot about me and our friendship, doesn't it? I harass people way too much!

Fanglin and I.

Full body shot!

Me and Victoria.

I still remember when we first met. It's the shot put event in one of our school's sport events, I'm quite sure. She told us the other time that she plays the clarinet in the band. Hopefully, I'm not wrong about this! We didn't really have the chance to get to know each other very well but she's a pleasant friend. She really slimmed down a lot this year, I think! It's a good thing to be able to make friends randomly. :)

Wanping, Fanglin and I.

I'm glad to have a photo with Wanping, even though we don't really associate anymore. It's kind of sad because I don't even talk to any of my NCC friends anymore despite spending three years or so toiling together with each other. I don't know Wanping well enough but I like her and I think she's really funny with her slowness and weird comments. Nautical Studies = Naughty Girl Studies. Whut. Haha at the random guy on the right!

Wanying and I.

I like this girl very much! We were classmates for two years and she's part of my morning group. Her friends always say that she reminds them of a cat and I agree. She's a very nice, feminine girl, the kind you can imagine cooking up a storm and being a mother to a bunch of little kids. I think she's wonderful! She's also very smart and hardworking. Her perfectionist edge and the one where she's always worried about her work shouldn't exist at all! She's doing great even without worrying. Haha.

Lien and I.

I think her name makes me laugh, still. It's Li En but when I see it written as Lien, I think of things like alien and lord knows what! Haha. I think she's a very fun girl and I think we met randomly- was it YOG? Anyway, she's a cool fellow and definitely fun to be with. Sorry, I don't really know her very well! I think her voice is cool! Haha.

Lien and I.

Another shot!

Alicia and I.

Another person I met randomly! When I say meet randomly, I meant that we don't really have a reason why we met, like being in the same class or something. Maybe we knew the same people or something. Haha. I think Alicia's cool- I don't know her well enough to really comment! I know she's in the drama club though, does that help anyhow? Haha.

Yiran and I.

Ah, another part of the group I hung with in my lower secondary days. She's a riot, this girl. Haha. She's also smart. I remember those days when she and Noreen were hooting away in laughter while Yujia and I were just shaking our heads and sighing at their antics. Noreen was always the most ridiculous one out of all of us! She's one of the few that can pull off a bob so well.

Me and Yuenling.

Another random friend. Well, if it helps, her sister was in NCC and under my care for a bit. Haha. Eh, I really don't know her well enough to say anything at all but she's pretty cool. At least, I remember being amused when I was walking alongside her or something.

Me and Yujia.

In better lighting, I suppose...

Me and Yujia.

Again...

Sammy and Tiange.

I hope that's how you spell her name...

Sammy and Tiange.

Me, Tiange, Miss Tan and Joanne.

Miss Tan has gotten (that's not correct, is it...? became, then) really skilled at applying her makeup. Sorry, I couldn't help but notice. It was something that I noticed because in the beginning, her foundation looked really caked on and looks quite awkward. Haha. English lessons are something that I really enjoy because you know, I find English interesting and while the technical aspects of it chore me, I love it when Miss Tan gives us short stories or whatever. It makes me so happy! Haha. Miss Tan gave us mini candy canes and wished us 'Merry Christmas'! By the way, I really like that royal blue. Haha. Tiange's pimping!

Joanne, Tiange, Mdm Wang and I.

Mdm Wang was so funny when we came up to her! She immediately said she could see my cleavage, in which I hastened to pull my dress up in the front. She was jolly and very willing to take a photo with us! I didn't really like Mdm Wang in the beginning, to be frank but over the last two years, she has become a teacher whom I really like. She's quite funny at times! I hope she doesn't randomly go into a bad mood too much anymore! Haha. After the photo was done, she looked at it and said it's not bad because she doesn't really look fat in it. Haha. Got to love her!

Joanne, Mrs Lee, me and Tiange.

UGH! MRS LEE! She's definitely one of my favorite teachers! She didn't teach me for most of this year but she's so wonderful. I really like the motherly feel from her and the way she deals with the more troublesome bunch in our class. Some people would probably find her too naggy but I think that's one of the very motherly side of her. I think it's nice that she had her hair curled up. Ahhh. I wish that I could have spend more time with her.

Me and Denise.

I remember when we first met. It was at the UK trip interview. We just somehow started interacting? Maybe Tiange was there and helped or something- Tiange's friends with both of us. I think Denise looks really pretty when she dresses up and pretty when she's not dressed up. Her fringe is a bit odd at times though, haha! She's one of the few whom I think has a really good command of English and definitely going places because she's smart and works hard.

Denise and Tiange.

Luyao and Tiange.

....I hope I got her name right...

Broccoli and Prawns.

Okay, I suppose... Haha. I was quite hungry, so everything tasted good to me. :) Too lazy to comment more!

Yvonne assaulting Tiange.

Tiange and Yvonne.

You can tell why I love the woman so.

Tiange and Yvonne.

Yvonne claimed she look obscene in the last one, so...

Meiru and I.

I didn't know she was doing a shot like this or I would have played along! We look so awkward. Haha. I think Meiru looks very pretty and as Joanne said it, very like a movie star! I didn't get to know Meiru until quite late in the year this year, I think? It's a pity! She's awesome! Her eyes are this really pretty shade of brown and she's the kind of fit, awesome girl that I really admire.

Meiru and I.

A proper shot.

The candidates for prom queen and king.

Yafei and I.

I like this girl! We were never particularly close, admittedly but we got closer because of various reasons, I suppose. She told me about her story and how she came to Singapore and all- she's from China. I really admire her because of the story she told me and I really like her. That afternoon we spent just pouring our souls out was one to be remembered. It was really special to me. Apart from that, I really think she's amazing! Studies hard and gets great grades.

Charlene and I.

Ah, this girl. We take the same bus back after school, although she drops much earlier than me. I think this girl is absolutely nuts! I can remember how hard she laughed at bus number 7 for no reason at all! There was this day, I wanted to ask her if she knew the song "You make my dreams come true" but I just said, "Do you know 'You make my dreams come true'?" which made her misunderstood! Haha. Oh, those good, good times. We always meet in the morning at our table and spent some really good times together. She's a really fun person to be with.

Me and Fangning.

Another friend that I had a joy of meeting randomly. Haha. Her hair looks really good. I think she reminds me of a bunny, somehow and she has this pair of lovely, long legs that I said would look good in a bunny costume. You know, those one with the bunny ears, bodysuit, stockings and heels? She looked scandalized when I told her! Haha. She's part of our breakfast group, too! She's really nice, me thinks.

Tiange, Joanne, Miss Koh and I.

I think I was being a little rude because our principal was talking to Miss Koh and I was asking her for a photo. Oops! Sorry! It wasn't on purpose! Miss Koh looks a bit worse for wear, so I hope she's okay! She was talking about talking "leave" but I was so confused. In my head, I was going "Leaf? Leaf? Why would she want to take a leaf?". Oh, no. Haha! She's doing a lot of things but she's trying to make sure she's there at the results day! I hope I can see her then too.

Tiange, Mr Tan, me and Joanne.

Mr Tan's a mentor of our class, I think. I have no idea about anything about that. He looks happy here! Haha. Throughout the years (specifically this year and last year), I had quite a bit of interaction with him. I think we're a bit awkward sometimes but for the most part, I think he's an interesting man full of random things that he says during class. He says that Joanne and I looked cute tonight and I thanked him. He hesitated before the word cute, so I don't know. Haha!

Tiange, Mr Tan, me and Joanne.

Mr Tan did a performance with Mr Liu later that night, I think. Forgive me if I got it wrong because it was quite chaotic at that point of time. Everyone was going around taking photos and it was a little disrespectful, admittedly. However, I just wanted to say that it was the best performance of the night. It was the only decent singing one, I feel. Haha, sorry folks! They sang "Because you love me" by Celine Dion.

Tiange, Mr Chan, me and Joanne.

I handed the camera to Mr Chan, wanting him to take a photo with us but he thought I meant I wanted him to take a photo! Haha. Eh. He was my form teacher during secondary one and two. I was a weirder kid back then and I think I caused him some mental anguish. Haha, no, I'm joking but we had a debate about something. No matter! I think he's a pretty cool person. Yeap.

Huiru, me and Meiqian.

The two people from 408 that I like very much! (There are more people from 408 that I like but they take the cake, I think!) Oooh, blurry photo. Eeek! Pity. Oh, well. I like Huiru and I think she's all kinds of awesome, especially because she likes TVXQ- the five of them. She's another NCC person whom I still interact with. As for Meiqian, we were classmates for the first two years in secondary school and she's also part of the breakfast group! I think she's cool and although we're not very close, I enjoyed the times we spent together.

Joanne, Tiange, Mrs Chang and I.

Wanling's beloved Dino Chang! Haha. I wasn't taught enough by Mrs Chang to really appreciate her and know how she is but I like her, all the same. I feel a bit bad for her because when she was teaching us, there weren't a lot of people paying attention and some were sleeping! Bah. I always make it an effort to try and listen in her class. In any class for that matter. I feel like I owe the teachers at least that much. Yup.

Joanne, Tiange, Mrs Chang and I.

Tiange, Renjie and I.

One of the few male friends that I have. I still remember our very awkward beginning. Haha. We slowly got to become friends though and I'm thankful for that. He's another odd ball though. His maths and sciences are always at the tops but he's way too modest! He keeps saying that he's not very good when that is all crap! Haha. This guy needs to be more confident, definitely.

Me, Tiange, Joanne and Renjie.

Shucks, why is this picture blur?! I think it's because someone took it when she was holding both cameras....

Mingheng and Tiange.

Haoting and Tiange.

Tiange and Eugene.

Sinyi and I.

I think this person is so awesome. She's the current USM (Unit Sergeant Major) of our NCC unit. There are so many things I can say about her but I just think that I really enjoyed being with her, especially during FSD and the works. She's really pretty with her hair down like that and I think that she's so sexy- a sentiment agreed upon by other people like Wanling. She's the ideal girl in my head- fit and not too skinny.

Tiange and Yingshuang.

...I hope I got the name right...

Peiwen, Joanne, me, Yvonne and Tiange.

Nothing to say much about... Except that I was fully prepared to take a photo standing beside Peiwen because I'm not a mean person who stomps off when she's going to take a photo beside someone she doesn't particularly like. However, Peiwen called Joanne over to in between us and I felt so dang amused. Haha. Sorry! My dislike isn't that obvious, I swear, but it's no secret.

Tiange and Jiayi.

HAHAHAHAHA. UNGLAM JIAYI.

Zhikai and Tiange.

Zhikai and I.

I WILL NOT SAY ANYTHING MEAN. Haha. Okay. I won't comment on what I'm dying to comment on because I'm (supposedly) a nice person. I think Zhikai's an okay fellow, along with Mingheng. I don't really like Mingheng because he was mean to me when he was in a bad mood and didn't have the decency to apologize. I don't hold grudges long but I just don't exactly like him because of that. However, Zhikai and Mingheng are gentlemen at times. I remember during our class performance that was meant for graduation day, my bottle had no water and flew everywhere because it was too light. Then Zhikai gave me a bottle that had water instead and used the empty bottle. I thought that was quite nice of him.

Jane and I.

She's cool, this girl. She looks really pretty tonight too! I really like her laughter because she always goes all out and sounds happy when she laughs. Her friends and her are always finding something to laugh about and they always have fun together. Jane's very athletic and it's always cool to watch her play, even if it's just throwing a ball.

Me and Dean.

THIS WAS HOW THE PHOTO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE.

Me, Dean and Szesong.

Then Dean called Szesong over. I have no idea why. Maybe Dean doesn't want to be caught dead in a photo alone with me. Haha. I think Dean's one of the decent guys in my class and it's alright sitting next to him for about a year plus? Not to say that the rest of the guys are indecent but I just never got a chance to tell whether they're decent or not. So there. Dean's a smart person and probably going far in life. I think he looks pretty cool in the suit. Szesong's okay, I suppose...

Me and Charmaine.

Charmaine's pretty cool and I wanted her to be prom queen! She's a social butterfly, I feel and she has a lot of friends! (Wow, I sound like I'm three, haha.) These years, she has been nice to me and always asked me whether I feel alright when I'm down. I hope she achieves what she wants and goes far with her photography, even it may be a leisure hobby. She's definitely awesome.

Tiange and Joan.

Ah, Joan, how can you be so pretty...

Me and Sipei.

Eek! Blurry photo! I think Sipei's cool. (It sounds like I'm just repeating the same thing over and over and over but it's true! It's what I really think of them!) I don't know her well enough but I do harass her sometimes and she's okay with it, most of the time. Haha.

Yingying and I.

She looks like a Barbie doll all dressed up like that! I thought she looked pretty and very much like her mother. At least, that's who I think the lady that was accompanying her at the parents teacher meeting is. Haha. I think it's awkward her hand's at my tummy! I think Yingying's a cool person although I just remember her sleeping at lot during lessons. Haha. Oops!

"I eat babies for breakfast."

I was laughing at Devin's face in the background as well.

Yujia and Keejeng.

...Heh.

Me and Vera.

Vera's another random friend that I happened to meet and liked for a long time afterwards. Thankfully, I managed to get a photo with her! She's pretty much made of awesome as well and she's a part of a number of many programs in school. It's nothing new to see her in front of the school. Haha. I like our random meetings together and her being awesome.

Yuting and Yujia.

Me and Shaina.

Shaina is already so, so, so, so tall and she wore heels! I had to tip toe and she had to bend down to get this photo! I always thought Shaina is so cool. Haha. She has a loud voice and looked smashing tonight! Shaina seems to be always very serious about her studies and all. I hope that she manages to get all that she wants! Haha. Her dress is awesome, like she is!

Me and Yokekay.

Thank god I managed to get a photo with this girl! I think she's wonderful in so many ways. She's one of the few people I love hanging out with just because. I enjoyed watching a play together with her and I would accompany her to anywhere if she asks me to! Haha. I love how she's so in love with dancing and the fact that she reads scores her heaps in my list! :) I really liked getting to know her and being friends with her.

Yujia and Yokekay.

~~Yujia looks like an idiot.~~

Yinghui and I.

Another friend I made back at the shot put event. I think she's so cool and awesome. I don't really know her well but I like talking to her when I see her and exchanging hellos and all. She gives me a really secure feeling like she can take the world on with her bare hands! Haha. She really seems that strong to me.

Me and Lenise.

NCC friend! We don't really talk nowadays and we were never close but I like her. We fooled around during NCC at times and exchanged coy looks with each other. That was the fun I had during NCC training and all. Haha.

... and Yujia.

I always can't remember his name. Is there a "Ding" in it or something? It always sounds foreign to me...

Yujia and Zifei.

... I think that's her name..

Keejeng and I.

I LOOK RETARDED IN THIS PHOTO. (Never mind, my face matches his.) Forgive me, I was trying to make myself not look too short in this photo. I think Keejeng's an alright guy. At this point, we saw him alone, so I went to take a photo with him because we were classmates for two years. Haha .

Yujia and Waikit.

Waikit and I.

I can't stand the amount of product he uses in his hair but that's really none of my business. He has like, triple eyelids or something. I think's he's an okay person. I don't really have any opinions about this fellow. Just okay, I guess. I know he's pretty rich, from what I remember.

Yeap.

I spent too long on this post already!

Just going to end here.

I enjoyed it.

That's all that I can say.

:)

just wanted to say

2011-11-20T23:13:00.001+08:00

You don't really care for music, do ya?

Just remembered I'm not supposed to use the computer for the whole of next week, which essentially starts in about, say, forty odd minutes?

Anyway, I wanted to say that one of my plans for the holidays is to actually complete a story and since the only thing on my mind is romance nowadays, I shall write a romance story. I already got the chapters summary written up. The whole story is planned. All I got to do is translate those tiny paragraphs into long, lengthy ones. Let's hope I can do that.

Next, I would like to say I think The O.C. cast is pretty good looking, so I'm okay with watching the show. It doesn't seem bad, so far. Shamefully, I'll have to admit that a reason why I don't really feel like watching Gossip Girl now is because everyone seems all over it. I refuse to demote myself to a fangirl like that. I watched one season of it and I'm too lazy to go catch up at the moment.

When the hype for Gossip Girl is not as intense, I'll probably go back to the series. I like Chuck and Blair. I don't know. It just disgusts me to be watching the same show as some people that I don't really seem to like. Okay, disgust is too strong a word. Maybe dislike would suffice. I dislike engaging in activities in which people I do not really tend to like favor. It leaves a sour aftertaste in my mouth.

I think I'm a pretty old school person.

If I had the chance, I would love to do things the old school way. I love old movies like "Pretty Woman" and all those cheesy martial arts drama and the whole works. I liked my youth. It's the reason why growing up is such a chore. Those are the golden things that slipped through my fingers like a sieve. All that's left are the sloppy new age stuff like technology and whatever else.

....I'm trying to find a picture of Julia Robert's legs in the movie "Pretty Woman" because her legs look really good. Haha.

Ugh.

Alright. I need to get some self-discipline and control. Hopefully, they grow. Haha. Whut, I have no idea what I'm talking about, too.

Ah, well. I'll see how it goes.

See you in a bit.

brilliant

2011-11-20T20:45:00.001+08:00

Do you know what it feels like being alone?

I feel like I'm taking a nose dive deep into nostalgia when I watched the first episode of The O.C. Well, it seems like these days, I happen to be revisiting various pieces of my past, little by little. The song "California" by Phantom Planet is always on the list of my favorites. Hearing it in the opening just feels like a piece of my memory.

My two older sisters used to watch it and I would sneak peeks. I was young then and I don't think I was allowed to watch it- the time slot for The O.C. was way past my bed time. Recently, I saw a gif of a pair from The O.C. and it moved me enough to make me want to watch the whole show.

It's a stupid gif but I like it, all the same. Let me just say it's a dream come true. Not for me though- I don't care less about those things but you know, some people appreciate that. Well, if someone did that for me, I'll swoon and fall flat on my face. It must be the right person doing the right thing though. Okay, by now, I seem like I'm making no sense, which is essentially the point. Haha.

Besides that, I feel so... Comforted? Yeah, I can use comforted. I feel so comforted when I hear old songs from that era such as "Swing Swing" by The All-American Rejects playing in the drama. This is another one of my favorite songs and it makes me feel really glad to listen to it all over again.

Now, I won't say the music on the radio now is atrocious but it's a genre I don't really like. I'm not too into music that's more about the beat and music that has a whole bunch of autotune. Honestly, I like listening to pleasant kind of music but too much hip hop and dance tracks are on the radio now. Another kind of people I don't like on Youtube are those who keep saying that the music was better back in the years or that they're young and they're listening to a more mature and not too mainstream kind of music.

Most of the time, I refrain from rolling my eyes at these comments. I'm all, "People, those times are over. Get a move on! If you're weren't too busy whining about it, you can find equally talented people still making music of that kind." And for the people who keep boasting that they listen to a different kind of music from their peers, they're just an attention seeking bunch.

Please. I listen to other kinds of music too but I don't go around telling the whole world about it like it makes me a superior person than other people my age. I can't stand how my other friend can't appreciate "Alleyway" by Life In Film though. Haha. I think that song is very beautiful. But ah, well. Music is another thing that's very subjective.

Watching The O.C. makes me almost certain that I want to live by a beautiful sea one day and do all the water sports that you can in the sea. I'm scared of sharks and all the dangers in the sea though. Jellyfish! Strange sea animals! Eek! Like I said, I'm not exactly a very courageous person. I jump and screech whenever a fly pops by. My sister keeps calling me gay when I do that.

I guess I'm a lion with a heart of a mouse. Most people just see the lion though. If I'm good at something, it's making false stabs at courage and wearing a cover of bravado. I would say I'm good at telling lies but that would not be the truth. I'm okay at that but nothing like a master though- I still get the jitters when I'm lying.

Prom tomorrow.

No idea what to feel. At the moment, I just feel strangely inadequate, as though I know everyone's going to look better than me tomorrow. Yeah, that insecurity of mine is going to be the death of me. Ah, well. I have two dresses though and I'm still wondering which one to wear. The thing is, I like both and it's a little hard for me to decide.

It depends if I want to be boring or odd. Both dresses are great but I look different in them and they give me a different aura, so as to speak. Additionally, the fact I have short hair does make it a little hard for me to pull off a dress. I can, but it does look just a bit off.

My passwords really speak a lot about me. I used to have just one- "hanehana" which means wing flower, translated directly and simply because "hane" means wing and "hana" means flower. It's Japanese. I have no idea why but that phrase stuck to me. I think if you translate wing flower to Japanese, it'll probably hana no hane or something. I have no idea. Haha.

However, after my email account got logged into by someone from China, I decided it's best for me to abandon that password. Yes, so odd, is it not? Someone from China?! Holy cows! Haha. I just had an image of a cow with a halo above it. Sorry, I think I'm being more and more lame because of my sister. She makes so many cringe worthy jokes that just makes me want to sigh.

But yes.

So my passwords are mostly phrases and stuff now and often not the same ones. They speak a lot about me though. It speaks a lot about how I see my life now, since the things I type are the first ones that pop into my head.

Yeap.

I'm going to watch another episode of The O.C. and then head to bed.

at first sight

2011-11-19T21:06:00.001+08:00

I'm sure you heard it all before.

Honestly? I don't get the youtube comments saying that the person will do something if she/he gets this amount of likes or thumbs-up. Really, now? Have people nowadays become so weak and without courage that they have to rely on false confidence to back them up?

I don't know. I just felt a little miffed and slightly disgusted by the whole affair. Okay, I get that some people need some courage and some pushing to do it but it just feels odd. Asking the girl of your dreams to prom shouldn't have to depend on how many people encouraged you to do it on the internet. If you sing a lovely song to your crush, it shouldn't be because a bunch of people on some website spurred you on with a click of a button.

In other words, the decisions you yourself make in real life shouldn't have to depend on something that is determined by strangers on the internet. You should decide to do it because you want to, not because you got a certain amount of likes or thumbs-up.

Suddenly, I'm completely into "Wonderwall" by Oasis again. Most of the time, a very specific song or genre is ringing in my head and I can't help but succumb to my urges to listen to it. Perhaps, this time, I'm desperately wishing I have a lifetime that I can depend on.

These days, I'm not doing anything at all. It's kind of a dull life. Therefore, I'm going to challenge myself to not use the computer for one week- the whole of next week. Besides that, I need to pack my table because it's looking very much like a junkyard at the moment. Plans, I have a few but I dare not reveal them in fear that I do not accomplish them.

You see, this way, even if I didn't manage to complete them, no one can accuse me of otherwise. What a genius! Haha. Sorry, I'm in a weird mood because for one, I'm not sad and for another, I'm not exactly happy. That puts me in an odd in-between where I don't exactly know how to feel. Just a bit indifferent, I guess. Not numb- I doubt I can be sufficiently emotionless to consider myself numb.

Okay, now that I'm thinking about it, I feel very amused.

Wow! I never thought of it that way before. Haha. Alright, here's the deal- I just (reluctantly) admitted that I'm a victim of brain washing from the media and I'm very much influenced by many things that corrupted my young, innocent mind. In fact, I'm starting to think that I'm like one of those cool kids who think whatever they're doing is cool and then grow up to regret ever doing it.

Hmm. Now I feel a little... Disappointed? Nah, that's not the word. More like... Weirdly amused, I suppose. That's the only way to give a fairly accurate gauge of it.

You see, I have four piercings. At the moment, I don't plan to get anymore but I toy with the idea of a lip piercing sometimes. I think those are wicked. Haha. But having an additional hole near my mouth, no matter how small it is, is something that I'll only do after a very long and serious session of thinking. I had two piercings -one on each ear- since I was young.

Then when I was thirteen, I got two other piercings on my left ear on a whim. I just felt like doing it, so I did it. A year or so back, I was with two other swimming friends and they commented that girls with a lot of piercings were sluts. I gave them a raised eyebrow or two and they hastily replied that I wasn't a slut, of course, but the damage was already done.

Kingsley was the one who taught me that a slut is a sexually promiscuous female -or male, I suppose- and people shouldn't be called sluts just because. However, I'm sticking to the fact you can describe someone as slutty, which I define as someone who dresses or behaves like a sexually promiscuous female or male. You shouldn't judge a person based on their dressing and appearance though.

Most people, people in Singapore especially, seem to associate piercings, tattoos and smoking to a lesser person, as though indulging in these acts and having an extra stud on your body or ink etched into your skin determines a person's personality. I don't agree with that at all. It's a very close-minded way of thinking and by clinging on to those stereotypes, it shows how judgmental you are.

Sure, a person can look intimidating with tattoos and yes, I will probably be pretty scared if a heavily tattooed fellow comes up to me but unlike some people, I would not automatically deem him a hooligan. (I might run away in fear though. Saying things and being there in person is not the same. I concede defeat in the sense I would be scared witless if I were in such a scenario but still, I don't think tattoos determines how a person is but it does affect their appearance.)

For me, I truly believe a person's life and health is entirely up to their control. If the person wants to ruin his/her life by smoking cancer sticks, it's up to him/her. You can dissuade them but ultimately, it's up to them. Also, I find that when a person learns by himself or herself, it's much more effective than forcing them to accept your point of view. They, first, must find their own reasons for doing so.

I don't think smoking makes anyone a lesser person. It just makes them a person who smokes.

As for tattoos, I think they're cool. Haha. Obviously, I don't mean the traditional tattoos of animals like dragons or tigers and tattoos of Chinese characters that some people in Singapore sport. I admit that some people in Singapore sport tattoos because they're in a secret society or whatever. (It's hard to think secret societies still exist, by the way, but I'm pretty sure they're out there somewhere.) The purpose of these tattoos are to intimidate people and to prove that they're tough guys. (I think? I have no idea.)

However, I find tattoos to be more of a art thing? It's another way to express yourself and have the things you like or something that struck you particularly hard inked into your skin. I understand not everyone sees its appeal and that's fine with me. For me, I personally don't really like tattoos sleeves or people who are tattooed all over but that's just me.

I think tattoos should be meaningful to you- even if it's lame or something that only you can relate to. Having a Super Mario tattoo because it's your favorite game, for instance. That kind of small thing that people might find ludicrous to have it on you permanently but you like it and want it anyway. Or it could be something that you want yourself never to forget. Whatever works for each individual.

Recently, I've been thinking of a tattoo on my shoulder but I can't seem to think of anything that I really want there- everything seems too lame or cliche. Words, I should think, but what?

Oh, yes. I'm going to get a tattoo. It might be a while before I actually do the deed (many years, I should think) but I'm pretty sure this is a definite thing. I don't want to get one for the sake of getting one though, so I'm probably going to wait until I'm sure that I want whatever on my body in ink. I kind of want a bird because I like animals and I think robins are cute with their fluffy chests.

Somehow, "excuse me while I kiss the sky", which is, apparently, a line from a song, seems to be a pretty popular tattoo. I've seen it around quite a few times now. I don't really want something that everyone else has but I guess, if the right words strike me hard enough, I'll not care at all. I'm not really partial to quotes or song lyrics though... I just don't think I want them on my body.

Tattoos that are in pretty script font looks really good but I don't seem to have the right words yet. Occasionally, I think about it though. Along with other random crap. Places I'm considering getting a tattoo at is my neck, my ankle, on my stomach (lower, near my hip bones), on my thigh, on my upper arm, on my wrist, below my ear. I think that's about it.

No, I'm probably not going to have one in every place I listed but those are the places I am considering. I do want a tattoo in white ink- although it really just looks like a scar.

Haha. People might find me crazy to make getting a tattoo a certain thing in my life but that's what I want. The aesthetic aspect of it appeals to me greatly and I think that tainted skin looks good. It makes people look a bit more... real, sometimes. You know, like they actually have the guts to rebel against society's assumptions and what not. It's probably not the case but that's what I like to think. Haha.

I'm absolutely in love with Cole Mohr's tattoo- he has "AprilMayJune" tattooed on his chest. Looks like it will be lame or a screw up, right? Well, it's not. I think it's very pretty. You can see pictures of it when you just type his name into Google images. I think Cole Mohr looks quite American and the tattoo actually gives his classic looks a bit of character.

Cole Mohr's a quite famous male model. Other male models that look good with tattoos (to me, at least) include Ash Stymest and Josh Beech. Also, I love the fact that Robbie Wadge has a tattoo because he looks totally like the kind who won't have one. It's on his right arm, I think. The forearm. If I'm not wrong.

As for smoking, don't worry, I have no plans to become a chain smoker. At least, I hope I won't. I do want to try smoking though, because I want to know what it's like. My friends -those whom I had told before- think I'm ridiculous and positively mad. Haha. I don't know. I just wanna do it, so I'm going for it.

I'm a firm believer in living a full life and being adventurous. It doesn't matter if your life is long or short if you enjoyed it when you can. Dying by lung cancer isn't really something I'll wish to do, so I'll try not to end up down that path.

Yeah.

Ear gauges creep me out though. I don't understand that one at all. Haha. I'm okay with people who have them though. I mean, they look scary but I personally don't have anything against them. I still remember the first time I ever saw someone with them- I thought the guy had something wrong with his ear. Haha. I was younger back then and I thought it was a medical thing. How silly I was.

Of course, it can be argued that if I have never really met anyone with a tattoo or who smokes or has a weird piercing, who am I to say that I don't judge them?

Well, I have no idea. Haha. Just saying that I ain't one of those people who associate the act of smoking or tattoos or piercings to rebels, punks, hooligans and people who will never go anywhere in life or people who are nothing. Sometimes, people do these things or have these things to make a statement and express themselves. Nothing more.

I think the reason why I'm okay with all these is because through the internet, I've seen pretty nifty people who have tattoos. They make smoking look cool and smoke. I wanna try living like a punk! Haha. I think people need to be a bit wild so that they get a taste of what it's like before knowing why they should stick to their drab, boring lifestyles.

Learn from your mistakes, eh?

Yeah, definitely influenced negatively by the media and the internet. Oh, no! Whatever we should do? Generations of children ruined! Haha. Eh. I honestly don't really care. There are much worse things that I could be into. Like, I don't know. Self mutilation? Drugs? Underage drinking? Underage sex?

Yes, I don't plan to smoke until I'm of age and I'm doing everything when I'm deemed old enough to decide things for myself. At the moment, I might be having delusions of grandeur and seeing all these things in a glorified light due to my young teen mind. I know, I know.

Haha.

You can't save the world and you can't stop people from doing the things they want to. All you can do is hope for the best and wish that everything works out in the end. Yeap.

That's all.

this woman is marvelous

2011-11-19T14:53:00.001+08:00

confidence

2011-11-19T14:30:00.001+08:00

For you, I will.

I'm reading a story that I read a long, long time ago and it's killing me. Ugh! It's so good that I'm melting into a puddle of goo. It's called Quandaries of a Quirk Romantic and I loved it the first time I read it. For a while now, I've been wanting to read it but I couldn't find it. Then I enlisted the help of some people and they helped me find it again.

THIS IS GOLDEN.

The one line that I did love back then was this- ""Hey." I greeted, and then grimaced—hey? Not to sound like my grandmother, but hay is for horses." I honestly can't believe I found this story again. Reading it is filling me up with all sorts of feelings, along with the original ones I would have upon reading romantic stories.

Yeah! I'm really excited now. Haha. I'll finish it today. (I hope.) Rawr! I'm hungry!

Gah. My stomach's all I can think of at the moment.

Bye!